...Should I make a novelesque fanfic of BioShock? It would be in 1st person, from Jack's perspective. It would start at Jack's farm house, and end in a bathysphere on the surface.
I don't know how often I could update it, I'm not sure I could keep up with it, and I'm not a very good writer, so I need some opinions before I start writing.
So, opinions?
Go for it mate, I'm sure many of us will read it. Just don't be going all Socialist on Ryan.
What do you mean by "going Socialist on Ryan"?Originally Posted by Adam James Walker
I'll begin writing after a few more opinions.
...he means dont be a Sofia Lamb....get it...
I think I get it.
I tell 'ya what, I'll write the first chapter as a little sample, and you give your opinions on that chapter. Sound good?
SOMEWHERE IN KENTUCKY
Jack just barely opened his eyes, catching a glimpse out his window. Looking out the window, into the vast, beautiful skies, he thought of the flight to Iceland he would be taking later that day- a gift, for his recent birthday. He would be going on vacation, a fun week up in Iceland, doing whatever he felt like. Why his parents had chosen Iceland above Manhattan or California, he didn't know, but he really didn't care.
Jack rolled out of bed, and walked over to the window. The sky was clear and beautiful. It was a typical day. The paper boy was making his morning route. The neighbor was sitting on his porch in the distance, drinking his coffee. He could see workers on the farms nearby, getting their days started. As he opened his window, he looked over at the clock. 9:00 A.M.
"Morning, son", said his father with his deep voice as he walked in the room. He was a rather old man, about 50 years old. He had greying hair, and a small bald spot on the back of his head. A slight stubble covered his boney face. He was wearing his grey wrobe, sipping his coffee, as he always does after he wakes up.
"Good morning", Jack replied after opening the window. A cool breeze filled the room.
"So, you looking forward to your big trip this afternoon?", Jack's father asked. "Beleive me, I can't wait. It'll beat working on the farm, no doubt about it!" came the reply. "Good to hear. Come downstairs, your mother's got breakfast ready." The old man left the room, and Jack soon followed.
*I'LL WORK ON IT MORE LATER. SO FAR, IT SEEMS MUCH BETTER. SORRY I DIDN'T STICK TO MY PROMISE OF 1ST PERSON PERSPECTIVE. IT'S GOING TO BE 3RD PERSON LIMITED INSTEAD*
Last edited by Invader; 10-19-2010 at 08:52 AM.
is this before or after he goes to rapture?
I feel like a *censored* editor. But it's fun and I like teaching ya'll about writing.
The first thing an editor looks at when they see something like this is the structure of the sentences. Nearly every sentence in this begins with the subject, goes to predicate, and ends with a direct object. Jack went outside. Jack opened his suitcase. Jack changed his clothes. This kind of writing drives editors *censored* crazy. Better ways to write these sentences are: "Opening his suitcase, Jack packed his clothing."
In additon there seems to be a lot of extra informaiton. The whole first paragraph is about him getting his clothes together. When you go on to describe each action it gets repetetive, and annoying. If this is important let the reader know why. If it isn't you might want to consider getting rid of it.
Dialog is an important part of every story, it let's the reader catch a break from normal narration, and tells people what other characters are thinking. (which adds depth) The only thing is you need a new paragraph every time you have someone new talking. If you don't we don't know that someone else is talking.
Lastly, don't tell us that the day was normal. Show us. A good way to do this would be with the altered sentence structures. As Jack watched the sun set on what could have been just another day he wondered... I know this sounds contradictory to that second paragraph, but if Jack is having his last day up on the surface, you need to make it important. His life is about to change violently, and you have a chance to put some forshadowing in. toss out some subtle clues that his mother and father are not who they seem.
I hope this doesn't come out too harsh; I want this to be constructive, not demeaning. On a positive note your grammar is very good, and the story is something all fans love when they pick up a novel about a game they enjoy: it is something that adds depth, and insight.
I hope you keep writing and i look forward to the next installment.
P.S. If you want more advice I commented on AK Downfall's post about a novel.
Last edited by kdn003; 10-19-2010 at 08:28 AM.
I know, I'm a terrible writer, but this would all be just for fun. I'll try to apply some of your advice if I decide to move on with the series, and I honestly don't think I will; it was just for fun, and it felt a little more like a chore writing it, honestly. If people want more I'll make more- but if they don't, I won't. I think I'll go back and edit the last installment, though.
Before.
I want more
Last edited by kdn003; 10-19-2010 at 09:01 AM.
Ok then. I kinda was thinking if it was after then im wondering how he got his voice backI know, I'm a terrible writer, but this would all be just for fun. I'll try to apply some of your advice if I decide to move on with the series, and I honestly don't think I will; it was just for fun, and it felt a little more like a chore writing it, honestly. If people want more I'll make more- but if they don't, I won't. I think I'll go back and edit the last installment, though.
Before.
You know, I have an idea for how he could get his voice back. I'll maybe implement it later in the story, if I decide to go on.Ok then. I kinda was thinking if it was after then im wondering how he got his voice back
You should check out my novel idea. I need more opinons.
I left my opinion on your thread.You should check out my novel idea. I need more opinons.
Ok time for an honest opion... i think its kinda bland. If this was the opening to the book i would feel no interest to read it. All the bioshock games have an opening that catches your attention and this bored me.
Alot of repetition which is a bad thing and you need to try and cut out some dead words. Use words that are more direct and vibrent.
Im sorry if i sound mean but im trying to help.
SOMEWHERE IN KENTUCKY PT. 2
Downstairs, Jack's mother was busy setting the table for the rest of the family. The smell in the room made Jack's mouth drool. He sat down at the table, still in his pajamas.
"Good morning, Jack!" said Jack's mother as she set a plate before Jack on the table. She wearing her "housewife" dress, apron and all. She, like Jack's father, was in her 50's, with greying hair and a smooth face- unlike the boy's father. She had a very soft, soothing voice.
"Good morning, Mom!" Jack replied. He smiled at her, and looked down at his plate. "Looks delicious, Mom." He took a bite. "Even better than it smells!" She smiled.
"Thank you, Jack." She paused for a moment. "Jack, here's a little gift I want you to have- for your birthday." She handed him a present- a rectangular box, wrapped in blue wrapping paper. On it was a note:
"TO JACK WITH LOVE. FROM MOM + DAD. WOULD YOU KINDLY NOT OPEN UNTIL 63° 2' N, 29° 55' W"
As his eyes panned over the note, Jack felt a sudden rush of wooziness, and blacked out momentarily. His head hit the table, and he dropped the gift on the floor. He wearily raised his head, grimacing. "What the... what the hell just happened?"
"I- I'm sure it was nothing, dear." Jack's mother said, a little too fast. She eyed Jack as he placed the gift back on the table. "No peeking.", she said, in an almost aggressive tone of voice. Jack nodded, almost a little scared. Slowly, he stood up from the table and walked away. "I'm... I'm going back upstairs. Going to get ready to work on the farm." He hardly took a bite of his breakfast.
The rest of the day went on as usual, a little farmwork here, and a little relaxation there. Near 8:00 P.M. Jack placed the gift in his suit case, and got prepared to leave for the airport. He went to his closet, and changed into a tan sweater. He knew he'd want it up in Iceland.
As he said his goodbyes, his mother rushed to the door and blocked him from walking out. "Before you go," she said, "there are a couple of things I want to tell you. For one, son, you're special. You're meant for great things." Jack smiled. "Secondly..." She whispered the rest into his ear.
"You got it?" She asked. "Uh... yea-" Jack stopped short. Again, he felt... woozy. He sighed, and sat on the floor. Once more, he slumped over and blacked out for a moment.
He just sat there, slumped over. As if nothing had happened, he snapped out of his trance. He struggled to get on his feet. Mother helped him up, and kissed him on his cheek. He wearily looked up at her. He nearly jumped. Her facial expression was... strange. She showed no concern towards what had just happened- just the same as earlier, when she gave him his gift. In fact, her face showed no real emotion at all. He slowly looked over at his father, who had his eyes glued to the television. He seemed oblivious to the world around him.
"Yes, I've got it", Jack managed to say as he stepped out the door into the chilly outdoors.
____________________________
Okay, that's the end of the prologue, I guess. I hope it's still as good as the piece of it I added earlier.Of course, critisism is welcome.
Last edited by Invader; 10-20-2010 at 07:07 AM.
I like both of the new segments. I can see a lot of what you're writing. It's also more intriguing.
The only thing you might want to think on is when describing Jack's emotions. Rather than say Jack felt scared, describe what Jack feels and looks like when he's scared. Does his stomach turn over? Are his knuckles white? Is his mouth dry? This is how to gauge how scared the character is. If he's so terrified that he jumps up from the table (like he's been spooked) rather than just creeped out by the way his mom is looking at him you can clarify that.
Thank you for taking my advice. I look forward to seeing more.
Thanks for the advice.
*FAIR WARNING: THIS IS A ROUGH DRAFT!*
ABOARD APOLLO AIRLINES FLIGHT DF-0301
SOMEWHERE ABOVE THE NORTH ATLANTIC OCEAN
The stench of cigarettes filled the airplane. Jack wasn't the only one smoking in that plane. He sat in his seat, eager to get off the plane and book a room in the hotel of his choice. "What a week it's going to be!", he thought. He could hardly sit still. He simply could not wait!
As one of the flight attendants walked down the isle, Jack stopped her.
"Excuse me, ma'am, but just what are the coordinates we are at right now?" he asked, looking down at his present.
"I'll ask the pilot," she replied. Jack lifted his head, and peered out the window. It was an eerie night. The sky was pitch black, save for the full moon which lit a small portion of the cloudy skies. He couldn't even see the ocean; it was a vast, black nothing below.
Pulling out his wallet, Jack took a drag from his cigarette. He opened his wallet and looked at a picture of him and his family in front of the farm house. He felt a little home sick. He looked at his mother and father, and smiled.
This week, he'd miss them.
There were some footsteps from someone walking down the isle. Jack quickly looked up and saw it was the flight attendant.
"Sir, we are at about... 63° 2' N, 29° 55' W. Why on earth would you want to know that?"
"It's a long story," Jack replied.
He looked down at the gift. The coordinates matched! Flooded with a feeling of joy, reminiscent of when he was a young boy waking up on Christmas morning, he tore the wrapping paper off the gift. Under the wrapping paper was a white box. Grinning, he ripped the cover on the box off.
The world went black.
Last edited by Invader; 10-20-2010 at 11:09 AM.
THE PHANTOM LIGHTHOUSE
It was cold... everything was cold... so unbeleivably frigid. His body just floated- tt felt as if he were in outer space. Jack was suddenly overcome with a strange sense of complete peace and happiness. This isn't right. Jack struggled for a moment, and finally forced his eyes open.
He was underwater.
He tried to scream, but all that came out was a muffled groan and a cloud of bubbles, which blocked his vision momentarily. Frantically, he moved his head side to side, looking for some sort of reference for what was up and what was down.
A shoe moved along a few inches from his face. They were familiar. He didn't know just where from- then it hit him. It was one of the shoes the flight attendant was wearing. His stomach lurched. He stared at it for a second, and shook it off. He looked at the direction the shoe was sinking, and began to swim in the direction opposite of it.
Desperately swimming for the surface, Jack put all of his energy into getting to the surface. He stopped in shock as a spinning blade from one of the plane's engines shot by at an incredibly high speed just inches from the tip of his nose. He stopped in awe as a large section of the plane's fuselage sank about ten feet away from him. "Don't think, move!" He made two strong strokes, and his head popped up from the water.
All he could see was a hellish inferno. All around him was floating luggage and burning chunks of the plane. "What the ☺☺☺☺ happened!?" he screamed. He looked around in desperation for some sort of shelter.
That's when he saw the lighthouse.
It was eerily shilouetted by the full moon in the background. He could see dark clouds surrounding the moon. Why there was a lighthouse in the middle of the ocean, Jack didn't care.
After about a minute of desperately swimming toward the lighthouse, he reached the shore. After taking several deep breaths, he sat down on the floor.
He jogged his memory. "What happened?" he asked himself. "What happened!?" The last thing he could remember, he was opening the present his parents gave him.
He couldn't even remember what it was.
He stood back up. Gazing at the wreckage of the plane, and blazing inferno around it, the reality of the situation began to set in. He leaned over the edge of some railing on the lighthouse, and threw up. He sat on the floor again, and began to cry.
Last edited by Invader; 10-21-2010 at 10:01 AM.
This is great. I can't wait for him to get down into Rapture.
hey man im planning on making a novel meself thing is mine starts in raptures golden years. and ill be happy to include your name for ideas
my goal is to get it published
@Knd003: Thanks, man! Good to see people are still reading it.
@Wyatt: That's cool! Can't wait to see how it turns out!
THE PHANTOM LIGHTHOUSE- PART 2
Tears were running down his cheeks, making his bitter-cold face even colder. Jack wiped the tears out of his eyes, took a deep breath, and got back on his feet. He looked over at the wreckage, and most of the inferno had died and only the tail of the plane and a few other chunks were still on the surface.
Jack then remembered why he was alive- the lighthouse. He slowly turned his head, and saw the door slightly cracked open, and nothing but pitch blackness inside. Visions of batty old men, driven mad by years of loneliness came to mind- fairly often, the men given the job to man a lighthouse would go completely mad after years alone, and it would be so much worse out here in the middle of the North Atlantic.
"Whoever's in there," Jack told himself, ",it's better than dying alone." He slowly crept into the darkness.
After taking the first few steps, the door slammed behind him. This made him jump. He was completely alone, in the complete darkness- or so he thought.
He made a few more steps forward, and in an instant all the lights in the room flashed on. Jack screamed, and doubled back. He tripped over a tile on the floor that was slightly higher than the rest.
Eyes still adjusting to the light, Jack looked up uneasily, only to see a man staring back at him- only it wasn't really a man, but an enormous golden bust of a man. He had a moustache- a couple of streaks of hair over his lip, and a very boney, masculine face. His hair was brushed over. Slowly, Jack stood up.
There was a small plaque under the bust. Jack read it aloud.
"In what country is there a place for a man like me?"- Andrew Ryan
"What kind of ☺☺☺☺ing lighthouse is this!?", Jack said aloud.
He looked around the room. The walls were plain concrete. The ceiling was low and plain, save for a large light in the center. Over the bust, Jack spotted a red banner- "No Gods or Kings, only Man."
Slowly, Jack pressed onward. He saw a couple of staircases, flooded with darkness, which went downward as opposed to upward, as one would assume that a staircase in a lighthouse would. He picked one, and began to descend. As he did so, even more lights flashed on. Jack gasped, and continued down the steps.
Last edited by Invader; 10-22-2010 at 11:37 AM.
This is great it makes me think of the game right here, plus i started a fanfic on my forum about smugglers in rapture check it out@Knd003: Thanks, man! Good to see people are still reading it.
@Wyatt: That's cool! Can't wait to see how it turns out!
THE PHANTOM LIGHTHOUSE- PART 2
Tears were running down his cheeks, making his bitter-cold face even colder. Jack wiped the tears out of his eyes, took a deep breath, and got back on his feet. He looked over at the wreckage, and most of the inferno had died and only the tail of the plane and a few other chunks were still on the surface.
Jack then remembered why he was alive- the lighthouse. He slowly turned his head, and saw the door slightly cracked open, and nothing but pitch blackness inside. Visions of batty old men, driven mad by years of loneliness came to mind- fairly often, the men given the job to man a lighthouse would go completely mad after years alone, and it would be so much worse out here in the middle of the North Atlantic.
"Whoever's in there," Jack told himself, ",it's better than dying alone." He slowly crept into the darkness.
After taking the first few steps, the door slammed behind him. This made him jump. He was completely alone, in the complete darkness- or so he thought.
He made a few more steps forward, and in an instant all the lights in the room flashed on. Jack screamed, and doubled back. He tripped over a tile on the floor that was slightly higher than the rest.
Eyes still adjusting to the light, Jack looked up uneasily, only to see a man staring back at him- only it wasn't really a man, but an enormous golden bust of a man. He had a moustache- a couple of streaks of hair over his lip, and a very boney, masculine face. His hair was brushed over. Slowly, Jack stood up.
There was a small plaque under the bust. Jack read it aloud.
"In what country is there a place for a man like me?"- Andrew Ryan
"What kind of ☺☺☺☺ing lighthouse is this!?", Jack said aloud.
He looked around the room. The walls were plain concrete. The ceiling was low and plain, save for a large light in the center. Over the bust, Jack spotted a red banner- "No Gods or Kings, only Man."
Slowly, Jack pressed onward. He saw a couple of staircases, flooded with darkness, which went downward as opposed to upward, as one would assume that a staircase in a lighthouse would. He picked one, and began to descend. As he did so, even more lights flashed on. Jack gasped, and continued down the steps.
THANK YOU
I'll give my opinions in a minute.This is great it makes me think of the game right here, plus i started a fanfic on my forum about smugglers in rapture check it out
THANK YOU
This is good. I like the pace of it, very suspenseful. If you feel like it I've got a fanfic of my own, (I think you went and started a trend) take a look leave a post, it's all good.
Will do.
Invader do you have a twist in plan for the story?
Of course I do! It would be a different character and scenario entirely if I didn't.
I plan on using lots of foreshadowing leading up to the big reveal...
THE PHANTOM LIGHTHOUSE- PART 3
Midway down the steps, the stairs ended in a small junction. To the right were the other stairs. On the wall facing him, there was nothing but a decoration hanging on the wall- a metal design. Between the staircases was another staircase, which lead down even further. He peered down the stairs, and saw nothing but darkness. Uncertain of the wisdom of his actions, he continued down.
More lights yet flashed on. Jack wasn't surprised by them this time.
The room was fairly large, the same diameter as the one above. It was an octogon. The ceiling was low, and in the middle of it was a round gap, surrounded by railing. Through it, he could see the underside of the large bust. On the walls, there were three plaques:
SCIENCE
INDUSTRY
ART
The plaque in the room above came to mind.
In the center of the room was a circular pool of water. It looked like a small docking station. In it was a large, metal sphere. The song, "La Mer" echoed from it. It's door was opened.
Jack thought about what his mother had said just before he left the house. He felt a pang of dizziness.
As if something were dragging him toward it, he walked (a little faster than he had been before) into the sphere. Without any thought, he pulled a lever which was on a small stand attached to the floor inside the object. The door closed behind him.
Last edited by Invader; 10-24-2010 at 10:42 AM.
I like it, are you going to write the game as it plays out, or are you planning on deviating with your own story and mixing in only parts of the walk-through?
I plan on adding a bit more depth to it all. Maybe I'll change some things that work in a video game but not in a book- like finding the components for the vector used to save Arcadia. It will have the same plot and story-line, except that it will have a few new things scattered around- maybe whole new levels.
What I'm enjoying about this is that everytime you describe a scene I remember the moment from the game. All the mysrtery and confusion I felt the first time... it's kind of like a reminder of it. keep writing, I can't wait for the introduction to Rapture.
WELCOME TO RAPTURE!
"NOOOO!" Jack screamed, pounding on the glass door. Slowly, the bathysphere submerged. "Oh God... oh God no..." he muttered as the sub descended into the dark abyss. He was breathing deeply. A light flashed on outside. It could barely stay on. It was dull and flickering. It revealed a tall, art deco-themed wall in the ocean outside. On it were signs, telling the depth at which the submarine was.
10 Fathoms, the first one read.
Jack watched as the next marker passed just a moment later.
18 Fathoms
"How deep will this thing go!?" Jack thought. He kept peering out the window when a screen the size of the window dropped down from the ceiling. It caught Jack off-guard.
He stepped back, and looked at the screen. It looked like the screen they used in movie theaters.
The lights flashed off, and a movie projector behind him flashed on. Some music began playing- it was rather positive in nature. Images of successful businessmen, offices and overall business came to mind.
An ad flashed on the screen- "Incinerate! 'Fire at your Fingertips!'", it read. It had the image of a man lighting a cigarette for a woman with a flame on the tip of his finger.
Once more, Jack was dumbfounded by what he was seeing.
The image changed to a man sitting at a desk. He was smoking a cigarette. It was the same man as the bust in the lighthouse.
The man began to speak. "Hello. I... am Andrew Ryan..." he said at length. He had a rare sense of complete confidence in his voice. "...and I am here to ask you a question: Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow?"
"'NO!' says the man in Washington- it belongs to the poor!"
"'NO!' says the man in the Vatican- it belongs to God!"
"'NO!' says the Moscow- IT BELONGS TO EVERYONE!"
"I... rejected those answers."
"Instead, I chose something different." The music cut off.
"I chose the impossible."
"I chose... Rapture!"
The screen snapped to the ceiling. Jack's jaw dropped. He gasped in pure awe...
Outside was what was probably the most beautiful city the world had ever known.
Enormous sky scrapers stood tall, like enormous pillars supporting the world itself.
Spotlights shined on the roofs of the towers, revealing beautiful art deco architecture.
Signs advertising businesses jutted off of buildings, also in a beautiful art deco style.
Schools of beautiful fish swam by, oblivious to the world around them.
Andrew Ryan continued. "A city where the artist shall not fear the censor."
"Where the scientist shall not fear petty morality.
"Where the great shall not be constrained by the small!"
The sub continued forward, revealing even more of the beautiful city.
"...And with the sweat of your brow, Rapture can become your city, as well..."
Last edited by Invader; 10-26-2010 at 11:07 AM.
I'm having a nerd moment... "All good things flow into the city"
I can't wait.
Really? It felt like the weakest chapter to me. Either way, I may have the next chapter up within a couple of hours. If not then, a day from now.
The next chapter is why I'm nerding out. That's one of my favorite moments in Bioshock.
Same here.Oh,man,oh man,I can't wait for Sander.
Well then I better not ☺☺☺☺ up!
Yeah, I'm looking forward to Sander myself.
WELCOME TO RAPTURE!- PART 2
The submarine continued onward, through an alley between two clusters of buildings, each plastered with advertisements of different sorts. A voice crackled over the service radio.
"Sweet mother of... the lighthouse is lit up like hellfire! Looks like some sort of... plane crash." He spoke with a thick Irish accent. He seemed to be in his thirties.
"What? A plane crash? How could it-" This other voice was from a young man- he sounded like he was in his 20's.
"Don't know, but you best get to Welcome Center. We've got company."
The sub moved forward, through the alley and toward a building. There were four rings with words on them leading up to the building- just the right size for the "sphere".
ALL GOOD THINGS
ON THIS EARTH
FLOW
INTO THE CITY
A light on the last one flickered and gave off a spark. Jack's stomach lurched.
The sphere moved into a small opening in the building, and slowly surfaced...
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