I thought it would have been a fine ending!
I thought it would have been a fine ending!
Too true. I'm sorry Demon, but it lost interest when you stopped focusing on Eleanor as a person and started focusing on her as a Dragonball Z type supersolider character.
Originally Posted by The_Noob
"Speak for Yourself, But I Enjoy a Bit of Action in Stories."
Heh heh *Sweatdrop*You left me in the biggest scare ever when I saw the end. I swear, if it was the actual ending then I would've hunted you down and ripped your face off.
Hmm, that was what I was trying to avoid. Does anyone have any specific spots where they got that feeling? If so tell me so I can change itToo true. I'm sorry Demon, but it lost interest when you stopped focusing on Eleanor as a person and started focusing on her as a Dragonball Z type supersolider character.
i liked the story from Eleanor's perspective, that whole fight scene felt like it was completely from Jack's perspective, viewing Eleanor as some super soldier
Actually, that was what I was aiming for. That's the way I see Eleanor as- some insanely powerful Big Sister. After all, when you get the Summon Eleanor plasmid, you pretty much don't need to fight anymore...just throw and watch splicers be ripped to shreds.i liked the story from Eleanor's perspective, that whole fight scene felt like it was completely from Jack's perspective, viewing Eleanor as some super soldier
CHAPTER 15 PLEASEEEEEE!RAWR!
Couldn't agree moreCHAPTER 15 PLEASEEEEEE!
Sooooooooo...Chapter 15 is taking a bit longer to write than normal. I'm hoping to finish it by tonight but no promises.
In the mean time, someone sent me a P.M. asking me how I plan my stories. So I decided to go ahead and post my first draft for the Jack vs Eleanor fight scene, a sort of "behind-the-scenes" look at what I do. So please enjoy this obvious filler while I finish writing Chapter 15
FIGHT SCENE DRAFT
ELEANOR GOES FIND JACK
HOW
+Follows one of Jack's big sisters?
.-Eleanor sees big sister- knows she's a big sister from ADAM connection. Big Sister Daughter knows back?
.-Eleanor follows big sister
.-Party crashes big sister daughter- more teen interactions/lawls Eleanor trying to fit in with surfacers
(Would be fun to write, but best idea?)
OR
+Stumbles on to Jack house
OR
+Meets gov agent who directs her to Jack house
.-Gov agent calls Burningham
.-follows Eleanor with bunch of guys
Agent guys need to die somehow
-Jumps her and gets owned?
OR
- they get caught in crossfire b/w Jack & Eleanor fight
JACK FIGHTS ELEANOR
WHY?
-Jack gets paranoid- detects ADAM in Eleanor and goes SHIKAI on her ass before she can talk
or
-If following Big Sister- Eleanor gets jealous and attacks them? She is pretty screwed up right now. Maybe can insert Little Sister flashback that causes jealousy
or
-Eleanor goes nuts from Little Sister flashback/ADAM memory splicing. Or she goes nuts somehow and goes BANKAI on Jack's ass
(Why Eleanor goes nuts on Jack? Need to figure out reason
THE FIGHT
-Eleanor like ADAM God/Atlas. Can throw lots of big things (trees) at Jack and massive fireballs.
.+Eleanor knew Jack was from Rapture- gene tonics allowing him great speed.
-But Jack smart and tricky- lures her into traps
.+Shoots propane tank under her feet (Where gas tank come from- this isn't Half-life. Dont use unless can explain)
.+Uses proximity mines
-Good way would be to have Jack put like 6 on a rock and throw it at Eleanor. Good reference to Bioshock w/ Anti-Big Daddy bombs game tatic.
.+Use geyser trap (cyclone trap would be better since thats wat Jack had available to him)
-Can also have charged geyser trap (but if I use cyclone trap, can't do that since Jack couldnt do that in Bioshock 1)
THE FINISH
-Smoke gernade dropped (Why Jack have smoke nade? Not Call of Duty...need to think of something else. )
-Have Jack be able to predict Eleanor's movements
.+Reference Jack using Research Camera on Houdini Splicers to allow him to predict where they will teleport easier
.+Eleanor teleports around Jack- but can't see him cause of smoke/w.e
.+Click. Shotgun in Eleanor's face. No time to move. Have climatic moment like in movies.
-Eleanor says only one word: How?
-Jack: Once you fight a hundred Houndini splicers you learn something about them. You've got nothing on me little girl.
OR -Cool one liner like Asta la vista baby.
-BAM Eleanor head blown off insert fake ending for lawls.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOR
-Jack double teams with daughter.
-He distracts while daughter uses CHEMICAL THROWERRRRRR on Eleanor and holds her still with electricity
-Jack comes in and finishes her off. One liner insert?
-Daughter: BOOM HEADSHOT (fps doug reference)
THE HORROR
-Eleanor's head regenerates. Jack and daughter = WTF?
-They dip to somewhere else, bring Eleanor along
MUST HAVE/TO DO
-Somewhere in fight need to add in Heat Wave thing. Then when Burningham and Sapper show up they can be like wtfux same thing happen as last time = SUSPICION
-Chemical thrower reference. Best weapon in game.
-Need to make Eleanor look like ADAM God. Makes Jack look even better since he kills/beats ADAM God.
Holzy Shot!
Thats fantastic!!!!!
I've always loved Directors Cuts in movies and Behind-the-scene cuts
Can we have the one from the chapter where the Appletons bite the dust?
i like the teen option, I like the bits about her adjusting to "normality"
Don't Push him!! He Might Crash and Exploded from the Pressure!!!Holzy Shot!
Thats fantastic!!!!!
I've always loved Directors Cuts in movies and Behind-the-scene cuts
Can we have the one from the chapter where the Appletons bite the dust?
RIGHT SORRY!!!! DXDon't Push him!! He Might Crash and Exploded from the Pressure!!!
Dont die! If you die, then we cant finish the story DX
Not too sure- When I write my chapters, I take my outlines and basically expand them into paragraphs. So what usually happens is my original outlines get lost as I re-write over them. I only bothered to save this one since, as I said before, someone asked me about it. I might have an older draft on my computer but its unlikely- and re-writing an old outline doesn't sit well with me. After all, if I have time to re-write an outline, I could be writing a new chapter, no?Can we have the one from the chapter where the Appletons bite the dust?
Nm then, just deliver us the next chapter and we'll be happy
EDIT (The next day): No new chapter?..... Dont tell me its writers block. Is it writers block? Its writers block. I knew it was writers block. Im just gonna have to kill ya now.
Last edited by domino29; 06-01-2010 at 07:07 PM.
Nah, its not writers block- just didn't have much time to write yesterday. I'll have it posted this afternoon.EDIT (The next day): No new chapter?..... Dont tell me its writers block. Is it writers block? Its writers block. I knew it was writers block. Im just gonna have to kill ya now.
Sheesh-I've spoiled you guys with one update a day
Oh jesus... you dare stop now i'll...!Nah, its not writers block- just didn't have much time to write yesterday. I'll have it posted this afternoon.
Sheesh-I've spoiled you guys with one update a day
Dammit! I already lost Helmeted! I can't lose this!
CHAPTER 15
Agent Burningham grimaced as he stared down at the burnt corpse. The body had only a few scraps of burnt clothing to cover the black, cracked skin. A patch of dirty blonde hair was all that was left on top of a mostly bald head- the scars made it obvious that the rest had been burnt off. A coronner was performing a quick diagnosis to verify who the man was but Burningham knew who it was. The heat and flame may have burnt and warped the man's face to the point of indistinguishably, but Burningham could recognize one of his subordinates no matter what the circumstance.
"Yup, that's Agent Sullivan Roddenberry," said the coroner, confirming Burningham's suspicions. He continued speaking as he put each of what remained of Robert's personal effects inside large, clear plastic bags. "We'll have to take him down to the lab and perform a full autopsy to be one hundred percent sure though. Preliminary analysis is that he was burnt to death."
"Thank you," responded Buringham. "You may go."
As the forensic specialist left, Sapper spoke. His voice no longer held that excited optimistic tone that most youth had. Instead, his tone was morose and his face slighty green as he said, "[Shoot] man. How could of this happened to Sullivan? He was such a great guy, man. He was just doing his job..."
Burningham frowned, his expression crossed. What the hell was the academy teaching these days? One little burnt corpse and all professionalism went out the window. Honestly, cursing at the job? Kids these days...Oh how Burningham wished for the good old days when people actually knew the meaning of respect.
Burningham put those thoughts away- he had a job to do and he couldn't have his subordinates distracted. "Agent Sapper," Burnignham said firmly, pulling the young man's attention away from the crispy sack of meat that was once a man. "Do you have the reports from the lab yet?"
Burningham was terrible with kids (or at least that's what he viewed these green fools as), but his words seemed to have done the trick. Sapper's expression quickly became focused as his training came in. "Yes sir, I do sir," He said hurridly as he pulled out the reports. "Early analysis confirms that its the same situation as the last time. Witnesses in the town nearby reported a huge plume of flame rising over the treetops, around the field where codename O'Brien lives. Evidence points that the ground was once again burnt by a huge heat wave, vaporizing everything in the path including Agent Roddenbery."
"Another freak heat wave, hmm? Any news on our mysteriously abandoned teenage girl?"
"Nothing new sir. All we have is Agent Roddenberry's last report- that a girl matching those descriptions was on her way to O'Brien's house. We don't have anything more than that."
It was a shame Roddenberry died, mused Burningham. He could have potentially cleared all confusion with whatever he saw. Of course, that would be too easy wouldn't it? "Is that all?"
"There's more sir. One witness, an old man who lives about half a mile away from O'Brien's home reported hearing gunfire and explosives. He claims there were submachine guns, shotguns, revolvers and..." Agent Sapper paused, as if unsure he was reading correctly. "And, I quote, 'some kind of explosive propellent device.'"
Agent Burningham raised an eyebrow. "That's quite a specific description."
"The old man claims he's a veteran of two world wars and a firearms expert. Mind you, sir, he is quite a bit into his years..."
"Just because you're old doesn't mean you're deaf," Scoded Burningham. Once again he cursed the youth of this day and age. He himself had been part of a world war and at his age, he could be considered 'quite a bit into his years' as well. "From his descriptions it sounds like we had our own little war back here. All that firepower would have left something behind."
"That's the problem sir," Said Sapper. "The freak heat destroyed everything. Casings, bulletholes, guns- anything that forensics could have used to verify if there was a gun fight. Even the stone walls that used to be out in this field...the heat vaporized the bonding material and since most of the stone was old and decaying, the drastic temperature shifts shattered all the walls, leaving us with a bunch of rubble and no evidence."
"What about O'Brien's home?"
"Pretty much untouched, though the ground in front of the home was pretty much wrecked from whatever happened here."
Burningham sighed. "And I guess since you haven't mention O'Brien himself, you don't have him in custody?"
Sapper nodded sheepishly. "Neither he or his daughter Marie were at home when we arrived and none of the witnesses reported seeing them. We're pretty sure they're still alive since we haven't found any corpses. Since one of their registered cars is missing and their rooms look like they're missing a good amount of clothes, its possible they may be on vaction or enaging in a similar activity. None of the townspeople could confirm that, but then again, O'Brien doesn't seem to socialize much. By all acounts, O'Brien and his family were no were near this location last night..."
"But...?" Buringham prompted.
A fire seemed to have lit in Sapper's eye and his voice had that excited youth to it again. "Shortly after the flame was witnessed, all power went out in the town. It took about an hour before it was restored. Our analysist were able to determine that it was power overload of the city grid. But get this- I did a little digging and backtracking and I found that the power overload occurred because there was a massive jump in electrical consumption in one single, specific location..."
Seeing that Sapper was waiting for him to finish the sentence, Burningham let out a weary sigh. "At O'Brien's home?"
"Yes sir!" Said Sapper with a wide smile. Burningham mentally rolled his eyes at his juvenile excitement. "Someone had to be in the O'Brien home that night- O'Brien has to know something! The huge amount of electricty could be powering whatever is causing these freak waves. O'Brien could be involved in this- heck, he could be the one who started this whole thing!"
"Get a hold of yourself son!" Burningham's commanded sharply. "First, the electricity and the heat are not necessarily connected- the last freak heat wave had no odd electrical activity. Second, just because something happened in a man's home doesn't mean that man knows anything about what happened. O'Brien could have just been in the wrong place at the wrong time."
Sapper blushed and scratched his spiked hair embarrassed. "Sorry sir. I just thought he might be a lead."
"That he is, Sapper." Burningham turned and began walking to his car. "Come. Perhaps our old friend O'Brien has some answers. If I know him, he won't be far from here."
CLICK HERE FOR CHAPTER 16
Last edited by Crazy Demon; 06-03-2010 at 01:06 AM.
Amazing.... i love your story
Last edited by Dr.BridgetteTenenbaum; 06-02-2010 at 01:10 AM.
nice! agent Burninham, hot on the trail.
And agent Roddenbury is just hot
Great new chapter!
Question.... since we only got one today and none yesterday.... can we get two today please?
I don't think the work porcess works like that...And agent Roddenbury is just hot
Great new chapter!
Question.... since we only got one today and none yesterday.... can we get two today please?
I shouldn't have laughed at that (what a cheesy pun), but I still did. Lol.And agent Roddenbury is just hot
I'll do my best, but I'll doubt I'll be able to finish it by tonightQuestion.... since we only got one today and none yesterday.... can we get two today please?
See what i mean? It'll take too long, you should just wait til tomorrow, go cold turkey.I'll do my best, but I'll doubt I'll be able to finish it by tonight
I cant help it....
IM ADDICTED!!!!!
Well dont I sound like a Splicer on ADAM
like i said COLD...TURKEYI cant help it....
IM ADDICTED!!!!!
Well dont I sound like a Splicer on ADAM
We simply adore the story Crazy Demon... don't leave us hungry! D: *dies*
Don't worry. I don't want to jinx it, but I have a real good feeling about this story. I think it might be the first story I ever finishWe simply adore the story Crazy Demon... don't leave us hungry! D: *dies*
Good....if you wish to live beyond the hour i suggest gettin to work on that chaptah boyo
*Sharpens pitchfork and prepares torches*
"Hide Crazy Demon!!! The Crowds are growing Unruly!!!" *Shoots Rubber Shotgun Pellets Into the Crowd*
Hey, where'd Agent Esquire go?
To find out whether the townspeople know if the "mystery girl" was abandoned by her family...or if thats what they THINK happenedHey, where'd Agent Esquire go
He may show up at the end, but none of the cameos get much screen time.
are there any other cameos like Mahsa Lutz or Anya Andersdotter's daughter, they were both little sisters in Bioshock 1, maybe Jack saved them?To find out whether the townspeople know if the "mystery girl" was abandoned by her family...or if thats what they THINK happened
He may show up at the end, but none of the cameos get much screen time.
Probably not since I don't know who they are D:are there any other cameos like Mahsa Lutz or Anya Andersdotter's daughter, they were both little sisters in Bioshock 1, maybe Jack saved them?
What!?! look them up.http://bioshock.wikia.com/wiki/BioShock_Characters. this should help unlsee anyone else has any other suggestions?
I'd like to take a moment to break my beloved forum silence to describe what you've made here. Simply put I would describe your fan fic as literary orgasm (A good thing, I assure you). When I read your work I visualize things more vividly than any other of my favorite works of fiction.
To show my appreciation I present you with this kudos certificate that I just googled:
http://www.kimrichter.com/Blog/uploa...dos-748379.jpg
Also, I would like to see your fan fic turned in to a comic by bleedman, maybe if you can draw his attention he'll think it over. I don't know the guy myself so I can't help with contacts, but i'm sure you could find a way by searching snafu comics.
Again many thanks and keep up the good work.
Crazy, you have placed yourself evidently in these forums, and for that, I give you my thanks.... and this:
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vyAoR1jlf3...miley+%3DD.png
You deserve it
Dude bleedman equals lagitness. Love Grim Tales
I'd like to take a moment to break my beloved forum silence to describe what you've made here. Simply put I would describe your fan fic as literary orgasm (A good thing, I assure you). When I read your work I visualize things more vividly than any other of my favorite works of fiction.
To show my appreciation I present you with this kudos certificate that I just googled:
http://www.kimrichter.com/Blog/uploa...dos-748379.jpg
Also, I would like to see your fan fic turned in to a comic by bleedman, maybe if you can draw his attention he'll think it over. I don't know the guy myself so I can't help with contacts, but i'm sure you could find a way by searching snafu comics.
Again many thanks and keep up the good work.Wow, thanks! Although I write for my own pleasure, it always feels good when people appreciate your workCrazy, you have placed yourself evidently in these forums, and for that, I give you my thanks.... and this:
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vyAoR1jlf3...miley+%3DD.png
You deserve it
I'm not aware of bleedman though. I'm guessing he's a artist who draws comics on these forums?
Bleedmans an artist for Snafu Comics he is note for this series
http://a.images.blip.tv/SpamViral-LV...illyYMa836.jpg
Grim Tales from down below is a DInoushi (sp?) of Grim adventures
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