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Thread: The official fanfic thread

  1. #81
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    The young part II

    I felt a sharp, stinging, prick in my back. I figured that the vampire imitator behind me had stabbed me. But that couldn't be right, this felt like fire itself was growing inside a small wound on my back. I fell on my knees and screamed, shaking the entire subway system. I held back tears, the bastards wouldn't see me cry. "Where ya' from old man?" The voice behind me inquired softly, as if this was no big deal at all.
    "Oh-Ohio." I muttered, shaking, and truly scared. The four figures in front of me looked at me with deep contempt as the voice behind me laughed mockingly.
    "Ohio, eh? Where's he from Charlie?"
    "Romania." The shrouded kid in the wheel chair replied coldly with no feeling. I gasped, I spoke with no accent and actually looked American with a leather jacket and blue jeans, I had even dyed my hair brown. How could this kid in a wheelchair no that I was from Romania?
    "Romania, nice country, beautiful country side..." I couldn't hear anything else over my own screams, for once again I had been poked with fire. "The next won't hurt." I voice echoed inside my head, where the hell did that come from. After regrowing my leg, and gaining incredible powers that I had barely explored, is where I would die, at the hands of some punks with knifes? I was interrupted by a soft poke to my back. I felt an incredible rush of energy and I jumped up and pulled out a pistol in the blink of an eye. I turned to see the teen with the knife, it was a green blade darkened at the very end by my blood. He stood trembling, but not for long, I kicked his feet from under him and he fell into the barrel of my pistol. Their kiss echoed in the darkness.
    "JOSEPH!" The other's cried. The leader turned to me, eyes growing red and fangs barred, "Kill the mortal!" He yelled. The others took off in a sprint a sprint so fast that it seemed as if they were smoke. I then balled my hands into a fist, and they became alive with a yellow flame. As one of the clouds of smoke passed me I put my right fist into one of them, I felt a cool impact, and bubbling of boiling blood. The smoke disappeared and I saw one of the vampires clutching a basket ball sized burn on his stomach, coughing up blood as he cried for help. But alas, it was no use, he was loosing too much blood, his pupils grew, and he was no more.
    The other was about 10 feet away from me, so I took out another pistol and aimed it into the cloud as I moved backwards with hurricane force. I took a quick look at this, Fontaine had given it too me. On the 17 inch barrel were the words, "Best of luck." inscribed, and it gleamed with a bright gold color. For the first time I pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. But then, the whole room lit up with orange light. And from where a cloud of smoke was, grew a wall of fire. If there was a body, I didn't go looking for it.
    The leader trembled confused to how is buddies where killed by an alien, and wondering if he would be too. He looked at me, and ran. He didn't two steps, but immediately caught on fire, bathing in bright blue flames. He turned towards the shrouded figure and cried, before he fell on the ground as a burning mass. There was one problem though, I didn't do that. As I realized this I was slowly being pushed towards the kid in the wheel chair, when I reached him, someone lifted my pistol to his head.
    "I don't want this!" I screamed.
    To be continued...
    But really we could use for feedback and critiques on this thread.

  2. #82
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    hows this: your stuff is real cool

  3. #83
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    Quote Originally Posted by deathcheckedin View Post
    hows this: your stuff is real cool
    Well that's very kind of you...But I don't mean just for me...Others put a lot into this. It would be nice if more people would critique or give some feedback. I'm sure we all like some feedback on our work...I mean your stuff was great, but I think I'm the only one that commented on it.

  4. #84
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    okay: every1 ur doing a great job. how dat

  5. #85
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    Still no rating on mine?

  6. #86
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    well its good dude no worrys

  7. #87
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    Quote Originally Posted by deathcheckedin View Post
    well its good dude no worrys
    Yay. Letter count FTL...

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    Repent, the Rapture is upon us

    Great. Bullets getting taken out of your chest by a knife that has been in the heart of a dead splicer, isn't that comfortable. Splicers. Filthy scumbags. They harvest these girls, these Little Sisters like animals. Then again they are not really little girls anymore are they. I think I the only regular guy left here thats not a splicer or a thing that thinks a scuba helmet and a drill arm is the fashion statement of the year. Big Daddies. Yeah thats scary soundin' ain't it. Well, let me tell you something. Never get in these sucka's way. Army soldier, thats what I was respected as. The greatest damn soldier in the states. Hawaii, actually. Rough, tough and could careless about the enemy lives. I was getting prepared to fight a guy the biggest son of a ☺☺☺☺☺ ( pardon that) I have ever seen. I mean come on how could you listen to a guy with a mustache like that. Anyway., here I am, stuck in a theater watching a James Stewart flick. The door is slowly opening. I get my shotgun and theres a Little Sister looking for the splicer thats dead right next to me. The Daddy urges me off. Shove me of will ya? Yet I dont think I stand a chance without a plasmid now. So I go to the next row. Yet just as i sit down a knife splits through the screen right through Jimmy's face and I realize whats coming.
    To be continued
    As soon as i get three replies

  9. #89
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    c'mon any1 yet?

  10. #90
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    Quote Originally Posted by deathcheckedin View Post
    c'mon any1 yet?
    Exactly what I'm talking about.

  11. #91
    beautiful piece of work keep writing i like it and justlookaway i wanna know what happens so hop to it and write more

  12. #92
    Quote Originally Posted by deathcheckedin View Post
    Great. Bullets getting taken out of your chest by a knife that has been in the heart of a dead splicer, isn't that comfortable. Splicers. Filthy scumbags. They harvest these girls, these Little Sisters like animals. Then again they are not really little girls anymore are they. I think I the only regular guy left here thats not a splicer or a thing that thinks a scuba helmet and a drill arm is the fashion statement of the year. Big Daddies. Yeah thats scary soundin' ain't it. Well, let me tell you something. Never get in these sucka's way. Army soldier, thats what I was respected as. The greatest damn soldier in the states. Hawaii, actually. Rough, tough and could careless about the enemy lives. I was getting prepared to fight a guy the biggest son of a ☺☺☺☺☺ ( pardon that) I have ever seen. I mean come on how could you listen to a guy with a mustache like that. Anyway., here I am, stuck in a theater watching a James Stewart flick. The door is slowly opening. I get my shotgun and theres a Little Sister looking for the splicer thats dead right next to me. The Daddy urges me off. Shove me of will ya? Yet I dont think I stand a chance without a plasmid now. So I go to the next row. Yet just as i sit down a knife splits through the screen right through Jimmy's face and I realize whats coming.
    To be continued
    As soon as i get three replies
    good job write more i like it but how about more action

  13. #93
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    Charles, continued from The Young.

    My gun was on, "Charlie's" head? But I didn't want Charlie, there was something about him that made it seems as if he were benign, as if behind the many blankets, was a face that smiled, even at the point of a gun. "I don't want this!" A roared to the invisible force that pushed me to raise my gun to his covered forehead.
    With this command the force stopped pushing me, and Charlie sighed, "So I go on living another day. Well, that's my life." I was confused, did he want to die? "Well, yeah my life has been a rather rough one, and my existence is an obstacle." Charlie responded to my silence.
    I gaped, "Did you..."
    "Yes...your mind was read...and I can do it again." I didn't know what to say, a mind reader, I mean I had seen a lot of weird things in New Rapture, but I have never heard of telepathy being a reality. "Well as you can see, it is, there a whole mess of things about me that are just beyond normal." Charlie's soft, whispering voice said inside my head.
    "Then I'll ask one question, Why were you with these kids?" I asked.
    A laugh sounded in my head, "The Lost Boys, that's what they called themselves, sort of kidnapped me shortly after I arrived in New Rapture. Had me do all sort of horrible crap for them, I still have nightmares of the screams. Moving on, they kept me in their gang, despite my pacifist wishes, and when I wouldn't cooperate," Charlie lifted his hand to the silver tool the 'vampire' had been hitting against the ground.
    "We actually have a lot in common, you and I. I modified through a means by Ryan, and you another Rapture survivor. Jonah Fontaine, he told me you would come."
    "You know Fontaine?" I said out loud.
    "Let's just say...my telepathy skills are quite expansive." Charlie responded out loud. "Speaking of which, I know how to find the man you are looking for, I could take you to him if you like."
    "Please do..." I said.
    The wheels of the chair turned quickly without hands, "Telekineses!" I realized, and I could have sworn I heard Charlie snicker. It was an awkward walk, for I was trying to shield my thoughts, all the questions that I had about this kid in a wheel chair. So as I struggled against my thoughts, I pressed forward.
    He lead me too a door against the dark subway wall, if swung slowly open, revealing many flights of stairs. Charlie's chair levitated in the air, gliding down the steps beside me. The kids grasp of telekineses was absolutely amazing! I saw a white light after a few minutes, coming out of a small window in a door. It opened once again.
    Under a florescent light, sat a man in his 50s, rocking back in forth in a wooden rocker petting a great dane's head. The dog turned around and shot at me like a bullet, it then swatted at me with flaming paws, "Quite Andrew!" The old man yelled, and with that the dog stopped and wagged it's tail, which now had a little blaze at the end. "Fontaine's boy sent you?"
    "Yes sir, and you are..."
    "Just call me Atlas."

    Feedback.

  14. #94
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    Quote Originally Posted by lil sister savior View Post
    beautiful piece of work keep writing i like it and justlookaway i wanna know what happens so hop to it and write more
    here ya go

  15. #95
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    yippie now i need 2 more replies to my story to write another fanfic ( cause i wantz the criticizem gangsta XD )

  16. #96
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    Feed the thread fellow members, I can't right now, or else I would. Good night.

  17. #97
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    aaaah wat da heck ill right da second part

  18. #98
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    Repent, the Rapture is upon us ==Part Two==

    I know whats coming. A splicer. A pissed off one at that. Probably killed the the guys brother. That could make you pissed, right. It screams at me as it soars through the air at me with a knife and I get my shotgun ready. Its body slips apart and joins together behind. He stabs me square in my back and twists the blade.
    " You ****sucking M***** F*****" I scream at him. So I blast a good shot at his arm and i blast it to pieces. Meanwhile, the Big Daddy stands on guard of the Little Sister. Watching. The splicer stabs my hand and I drop the shotgun. I punch him in the jaw. Once. Twice. Finally a third time before he picks up the shotgun on the floor. He shoots at me and gets a hit on, not me, but take a guess. The Big Daddy turned red and I knew the splicer just crapped his pants as he dove away from the oncoming Daddy. I have come to the realization though that I am dying. So I need a Plasmid to boost my system and defeat this guy. Luckily, there is a thing that can give it to ya ( can never remember the name). Crap. I didn't know ya needed to inject ya self for it. Well, here goes.
    I scream and I fall to my knees. Light in my hands. Everything is changing. I can feel it. IT HURTS SO DAMN MUCH.
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH HHHH
    I get control of myself and I stand up. Like I was ready for war

    To be continued
    When I get feedback

  19. #99
    Quote Originally Posted by deathcheckedin View Post
    I know whats coming. A splicer. A pissed off one at that. Probably killed the the guys brother. That could make you pissed, right. It screams at me as it soars through the air at me with a knife and I get my shotgun ready. Its body slips apart and joins together behind. He stabs me square in my back and twists the blade.
    " You ****sucking M***** F*****" I scream at him. So I blast a good shot at his arm and i blast it to pieces. Meanwhile, the Big Daddy stands on guard of the Little Sister. Watching. The splicer stabs my hand and I drop the shotgun. I punch him in the jaw. Once. Twice. Finally a third time before he picks up the shotgun on the floor. He shoots at me and gets a hit on, not me, but take a guess. The Big Daddy turned red and I knew the splicer just crapped his pants as he dove away from the oncoming Daddy. I have come to the realization though that I am dying. So I need a Plasmid to boost my system and defeat this guy. Luckily, there is a thing that can give it to ya ( can never remember the name). Crap. I didn't know ya needed to inject ya self for it. Well, here goes.
    I scream and I fall to my knees. Light in my hands. Everything is changing. I can feel it. IT HURTS SO DAMN MUCH.
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH HHHH
    I get control of myself and I stand up. Like I was ready for war

    To be continued
    When I get feedback
    Good work deathcheckedin, I like the way you describe fighting. Also it's always nice to see someone to write from the first person, doesn't happen often (Read the book "I am the cheese" for an awesome example).

    One thing you might want to try is to use paragraphs to make it easier to read. For example...

    I know whats coming. A splicer. A pissed off one at that. Probably killed the the guys brother. That could make you pissed, right. It screams at me as it soars through the air at me with a knife and I get my shotgun ready. Its body slips apart and joins together behind. He stabs me square in my back and twists the blade.

    " You ****sucking M***** F*****" I scream at him.

    So I blast a good shot at his arm and i blast it to pieces. Meanwhile, the Big Daddy stands on guard of the Little Sister. Watching. The splicer stabs my hand and I drop the shotgun. I punch him in the jaw. Once. Twice. Finally a third time before he picks up the shotgun on the floor...

    You have a unique writing style, keep up the good work.

    Donovin

  20. #100
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    Quote Originally Posted by lil sister savior View Post
    good job write more i like it but how about more action
    yeah well that came in the second part and soon in the 3-7th parts

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    Quote Originally Posted by Donovin Orly View Post
    Good work deathcheckedin, I like the way you describe fighting. Also it's always nice to see someone to write from the first person, doesn't happen often (Read the book "I am the cheese" for an awesome example).

    One thing you might want to try is to use paragraphs to make it easier to read. For example...

    I know whats coming. A splicer. A pissed off one at that. Probably killed the the guys brother. That could make you pissed, right. It screams at me as it soars through the air at me with a knife and I get my shotgun ready. Its body slips apart and joins together behind. He stabs me square in my back and twists the blade.

    " You ****sucking M***** F*****" I scream at him.

    So I blast a good shot at his arm and i blast it to pieces. Meanwhile, the Big Daddy stands on guard of the Little Sister. Watching. The splicer stabs my hand and I drop the shotgun. I punch him in the jaw. Once. Twice. Finally a third time before he picks up the shotgun on the floor...

    You have a unique writing style, keep up the good work.

    Donovin
    thanks look for parts 3-7 up until bioshock's release

  22. #102
    i like that work deathchicken

  23. #103
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    thank you sistersavior

  24. #104
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    oo and its death checked in not chicken

  25. #105
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    man. i don't check out this thread as much as i should. u guys are all great writers. keep up the good work.

  26. #106
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    here is my shot at this whole thing

    "They don't pay me well enough for this s#%^." I thought to myself as I dispatched the writhing half-on-fire Big Daddy with a well aimed shot to the head.

    "Now...where did that little one go?"

    Unfortunatly for me, my pondering was answered by a set of footsteps coming from behind me. A splicer was holding the little sister up with one deformed arm.

    Fortunatly for me, he was so intent on the sister that I was able to slip behind a storage container and wait for the right moment to strike. He was walking at a leisurely pace, he didn't seem to be in any hurry. He was getting nearer and nearer to my hiding place, hopefully he wouldn't think to look to his right as he passed.

    Perhaps it was my thinking it that jinxed it. For he did think to look to his right. He flung the sister against the wall opposite me, took out a blood-stained drill, and began to charge at me all in the space of a second. He was faster than the rest.

    But not fast enough. Three rounds to the chest staggered him. Four knocked him flat on his back. Remembering my combat training, I looked around for other opponents, found none (except the sister, who was now cowering in the corner.) and aimed my gun at the splicer's head. He looked at me with a face that seemed...oddly familiar.

    "Oh, God. Could this be...?"

    I shot before I could finish the thought. If my guess was correct, it was better that I did. I looked around his discolored clothes and lab jacket, and found an old, faded picture.

    A picture I had drawn 20 years ago.


    Your comments would be highly appreciated

  27. #107
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    man, that's good. You should be here more often Black_Dog.

  28. #108
    Great Job Black Dog

  29. #109
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    Hey I'm posting the third diary of a mad big daddy. A.K.A. The comical adventures of Ted the Big Daddy, later today. Until then, look forward too it.

  30. #110
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    thanks for the comments

    and we will be waiting in dire anticipation justlookaway :P

  31. #111
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    woot woot mad dog

  32. #112
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    The Diary of A Mad Big Daddy III: Jolly trail.

    Dear Diary,

    I came home today quite angry. Nothing new, just the usual Susan calling me "Mr. Bubbles." And not listening to a damn thing I said. You know, these security bots started attacking her and she was like, "Help Mr. Bubbles." I laughed and said, "Whack 'em on the head!" Why should I have to do all the work? Well, she starts whacking them with her Adam Removalatron 5000, but she gets knocked out after a few seconds. God, I hate her! She couldn't even take like 50 bullets!
    Well, I went in and tried to destroy the bots by throwing chairs at them but I kept snapping the chairs. RAH! So I ended up having to use my drill, as always. So after piling her into her hole in the wall apartment, I went back to mine.
    As usual, my outrageous partner had made me very angry, and I was craving me some Jolly Ranchers. Well, I go to my freezer and look under the remains of super chicken, and theres nothing there. I panicked, I flip over my couch, clear my refrigerator, and lift up the toilet tank. But I couldn't find my Jolly Rangers.
    So, I started drilling holes through my apartment wall, don't we all when we're mad. I drilled a bit to hard and went into my neighbor, Bill's apartment. He looks up from his steel reinforced couch and says, "What's up Ted, your eye's are kinda red, is something wrong?"
    "My Jolly Ranchers are gone!"
    Bill jumps up from his couch and cries, "Oh my God, we gotta find them!" He starts punching holes in the wall, and turning over his furniture, but we didn't find anything. So Bills all like, "We gotta go get the other Big Daddies! I'll grab the Daddy Signal!"
    So he grabs his flash light and points it at the door of the room across from his, and it's just a picture of a cup of coffee. "What the hell, could a cup of coffee do for us?" I ask Bill.
    "Man your a noob!" Bill says.
    My eyes got red and I smacked Bill with my Drill so hard that he flew back. And I yell, "Don't call me a noob, you freakin one eye!"
    I heard Bill sniffel and he said, "Th-That was uncalled for."
    But then, I here a rumble, and all the walls crash around us. Now, I'm surrounded by every Big Daddy in Rapture. It was quite for a while but then one guy went, "Where is the damn coffee!" And all the others start chanting, "Coffee...Coffee!" until the room is shaking with their stupid loudness.
    Now, I'm all like, "SHUT UP!" and then everyone went quite. Some nerd went, "Harsh language never solves anything." Every Big Daddy reached into their emergency kits and threw a bucket at him.
    Bill called, "The real reason we called you here is that Ted's Bag of Jolly Ranchers has been stolen." Some cried, some gasped, some asked, "WHYYY?"
    "What kind of monster steals a bag of Jolly Ranchers?"
    "The prime suspects would be splicers or security bots, so go, whoever finds it can have a green apple one!"
    Everyone went, "Woo hoo!" and took off in different directions.
    I wanted to go with, but Bill said we should go search old man Ryan's place so we wouldn't have to later. So we came crashing through his door and he looks up from his desk all shocked and surprised but I ran up to him and pointed my drill to his neck. "Where are my Jolly Ranchers?"
    He said, "Security!"
    "We are your security!" Bill said. But then the door opened and Tenenbaum walked in! We didn't get to scared until we saw what was in her hand, a rolled up news paper. "RUN!" Bill screamed, and we ran circles around the room, but it was no good, Tenenbaum eventually caught up with us and swatted us each on the nose. I must have cried for two hours. But eventually we were okay and Ryan asked me, "Ted what's wrong with you. I've known you your whole life, ever since you hatched!"
    "Wait I came from an egg?"
    "Yeah, sure..." Ryan assured me. I haven't been able to sleep for a day, I've been thinking about going to Tibet to find the meaning of life after hearing that. But awww...maybe later. Anywho...I was like, "Sorry Mr. Ryan, it's just that my Jolly Ranchers were stolen..."
    Ryan was like, "WHAT!" and jumped up to the intercom system, "Hey guys, whoever stole Ted's jolly Ranchers give them back, that is beyond not cool!"
    "Why do you care?" Bill asked.
    "When Adam had run out, I was going to use grape jolly ranchers as currency!"
    "But there so gross!" I said.
    "Exactly!" Bill and I said that was a bad idea, and he said, "Yeah it is..."
    My cell phone rings and I answer it. My brother said he found the jolly ranchers and to find him right away. So I run over there, and I recognize Susan's tube.
    She's standing there crying, and on the ground next to her is a bag of Jolly Ranchers. It took three people and a rolled up newspaper to hold me back. I guess I never got my Jolly Ranchers, but Susan has been sent on detention to work on a farm in Kansas, hahaha. And I get a new partner, maybe this one will actually recognize my name.

    Still hating my life,

    Ted.

    I dedicate this entry to my green apple jolly ranchers. God rest their souls.

  33. #113
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    That's it, if the reception for this one is good enough, I'll do a fourth. But for some reason I don't think it was as good as chicken extravanganza. I don't know, maybe it's just me. Anyway your thoughts would be great. If someone actually finishes that long thing.

  34. #114
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    that was pretty funny, but chicken extravaganza was better.

  35. #115
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    its hilarious

  36. #116
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    Dear diary,

    I'm going to Tibet for a while to try to figure out where I am. I mean the idea of a mechanical monstrosity being born from an egg, it has just turned my whole life upside down. I wonder if they have Jolly Ranchers in Tibet, or Super Chicken? Anyway by Diary, maybe I'll see you again.

    Having a positive outlook,

    Ted.


    As you can see, Ted the big daddy is going to take a break. He may be back after he figures out the meaning of life, or he may become a monk or something, can u imagine, a meditating big daddy? That's just silly. Anyway it all depends on how much the cult of rapture likes angry Ted, or if I feel like bringing him back.
    But for now, Goodbye Ted.

  37. #117
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    But don't fret too much...I'll be posting some new fic about charlie, the wheel chair guy from my other series. It should be good. But Ted might be gone for a while. In the mean time, I'm bored, post some new stuff.

  38. #118
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    Not that anything that already has been posted is boring.

  39. #119
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    ill right a fanfic in an hour

  40. #120
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    i meant to put right in there

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