Joke Central
It is about time we get the humor and good moods flowin' with jokes brought in by our viewers! Go ahead, post your favorite, family friendly jokes!
And our ironic motto here is:
If it is lame, we won't laugh
Joke Central
It is about time we get the humor and good moods flowin' with jokes brought in by our viewers! Go ahead, post your favorite, family friendly jokes!
And our ironic motto here is:
If it is lame, we won't laugh
Whats the difference between an Emo and a Zombie?
Nothing! They both bleed lots and moan lots! ROFL.
Good.............................................. ...................one!
How do you keep a retarded person in suspense?
...
(Get it?)
(Posts Post-a-Joke motto here)
THAT WAS A TERRIBLE JOKE!Originally Posted by ZiLLa
(just kidding, i know it wasn't a joke...which is why i'm very angry!!!GGRRRR!)
Religious Joke!
Why couldn't Jesus melt M 'n' Ms in his hands?
Because they just fell through the holes!
^O..M..G..
LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry for laughing people, I couldn't help it.
~Mari.
ROFLMAO. I had to post this!
How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Pour gas over it and light a match. Woof.
^Ok, that one sucked.
Dude, you got me on that one.
Yeah, I get it.
Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
The man asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the man said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
~Mari.
Last edited by BioShock Freak; 05-08-2008 at 09:17 PM.
I have more!
How do you turn a baby into a cat?
Freeze it solid, then run it through a bandsaw. Meeow.
ROFL.^Ok, that one sucked.
Dude, you got me on that one.
Yeah, I get it.
Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
~Mari.
Good one.
okay okay i got a story...you guys will love it..
3 guys, anthony, steven and david
the guys die
and they go to heaven
they meet God,
and he's this cool guy like..
"yeah heavens cool, you guys will love it, you can do whatever you want"
but...he warned them
"i have just one rule, DONT step on my ducks...or else"
the next day..
David and Anthony are walking
and they see Steven with this hella ugly chick
and David and Anthony are like
"Whoa, steven what happened?!"
Steven replies,,
"I stepped on God's Ducks.."
so the next day..
David and Steven and his fat girlfriend are walking
and they see anthony with this realllly ugly girl
and they're like..
"WHOA anthony, what'd you do?"
anthony replies..
"I stepped on God's ducks.."
so the next day..
Anthony, his ugly girlfriend, hue and his fat girlfriend are walking
and they see david with this REALLLY HOT AS* GIRL
and they come up to him and are like
"WHOA DAVID, HOWD YOU GET THAT HOT GIRL"
The hot girl replies
"I stepped on God's Ducks.."
^ROFL! Yeah, I like that one.
Ok, too long to post here so here's the link if you'd like to check it out.
101 Ways to Annoy People.
~Mari.
Crazy Patients
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.
The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
~Mari.
^Funny
It reminds me of the joke from The Killing Joke
How about this one...
A man walks into his doctor's office wearing an eye patch and with one hand slid into his shirt-front.
The doctor asks what the problem is, to which the patient responds "I think I'm Nelson"
The doctor replies "You mean you think you're Napoleon"
To which the patient replies "Doctor...please...I know I'm not Napoleon"
---------------------------------
I like these...
Pilot 'gripe sheet' entries and engineer response.
----------------------------
How about these (some of my favourites)...
A blind man walks into a shop with his guide dog (seeing eye dog). He takes the dog by it's tail and starts swinging it around and around his head. Seeing this the shop assistant runs up to the blind man and says "Sir! sir! What are you doing?!" to which the blind man replies: "Having a look round the shop..."
-----------
An attractive female teacher in a long skirt slit almost all the way up to her waist is sitting taking a class.
During the lesson she crosses her legs, at which point a boy in the first row blurts out "Miss, I just saw your stockings" to which the teacher angrily responds "What kind of thing is that to say to a teacher, leave the room immediately, think about what just happened here and don't come back for at least ten minutes."
A little later she crossed her legs a second time, at which point the boy at the desk behind the student who'd just been sent out of the class blurted out "Miss, I just saw your stocking-tops" to which the teacher angrily responded "What kind of thing is that to say to a teacher, go home right now and think about what just happned here, and don't come back for at least a day".
A little while later she crossed her legs a third time at which point a boy in the third row blurted out "Miss, I just saw your garter belt" to which the teacher angrily responded "What kind of thing is that to say to a teacher, go home right now and think about what just happened here, and don't come back for at least a week".
A little later the teacher crossed her legs a fourth time and a boy in the fourth row got up and started putting away his things, at which point the teacher asked him what he was doing, to which he responded "Miss— after what I've just seen, I don't think I'm ever coming back."
-----------
It's a dark rainy night with not a soul around for nerry a mile when a lone man in an old car is driving along a black and unquiet country road, when his engine cuts out. He brings the car to a stop and braving the darkness gets out and pops the hood to take a look at the engine to see if he can see anything wrong. Just then, an eerie, inhuman voice from behind him says "It's the distributor". The guy, shocked by the voice, whips around to find a black horse standing in the field next to the road and looking at him. He's so freaked out by this he gets back in the car as quickly as he possibly can and tries the ignition and thank god the car starts and he's able to pull away and resume his journey shaken and a little spooked but on route once more. That is until the engine cuts out a second time and he's forced to stop again. Again he gets out of the car and pops the hood and looks over the engine to see if he can spot the problem, when again the eerie inhuman voice issuse from behind him: "It's the distributor". Again the guy whips around to look for the source of the voice and finds nothing but the black horse standing in the field next to the road looking at him. Totally freaked out by this the guy runs around to the driver's door, jumps in, turns the key and again thank god the car starts...
...Eventually the guy gets to a pub where he stops and orders a stiff drink and while sitting at the bar collecting his thoughts the barman ambles over to him and says "You look like you've seen a ghost" to which the driver responds by telling him the story of what just happened to him— the engine cutting out, looking under the hood, the eerie inhuman voice saying "it's the distributor" and no one around for miles apart from this black horse. Upon hearing the story the barman noddod and softly said "Oh yes" and leaning in close, looking from right to left as though not wanting to be overheard he said to the driver in the most hushed and serious of tones...
"That, my friend...was the black horse".
"The black horse?" asked the driver his jaw agog.
"Yes" said the barman "...the black horse. And I'll tell you something else" the barman went on.
"What?" asked the driver his eyes wide, the hairs standing up on the back of his neck.
"You're lucky it wasn't the white horse"
"Why?" asked the driver with a look of absolute terror on his face
The barman answered " 'Cos the white horse don't know nothing about motors"
Sesame Street's Burt & Earnie...
Bert to Earnie (exasparated): Earnie, why have you got a bannana in your ear?
Earnie to Bert (as though nothing out of the ordinary): I can't hear you Bert, I've got a bannana in my ear.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xK2DeJBOQD0 (Burt & Earnie, Bannana (not gross))
Last edited by Hatesink; 05-09-2008 at 03:26 AM.
That's the single biggest post I have ever seen. :|
A patient walks into the doctors surgery room.
Patient: Doc, I swallowed a coin, am I going to die?!
Doctor: Well Jim, everyones going to die eventually.
Patient: OH GOOD GOD! WHAT HAVE I DONE!?
I guess you don't click on a lot of my posts
It would have been longer but it exceeded the word limit...
Stephen Wright...
Curiosity killed the cat...
...but for a while I was a suspect.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards...
...I got a full house, and four people died.
I'm living on a one-way, dead-end street...
...I don't know how I ever got there.
I wish my first word was 'quote'...
...so when I died I could say 'un-quote'.
I spilled spot remover on my dog...
...Now he's gone.
It's a small world...
...but I wouldn't want to paint it.
Next week I'm gonna have an MRI...
...to find out whether or not I have claustrophobia.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?"...
...I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar".
My theory of evolution...
...is that Darwin was adopted.
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Cross country skiing is great...
...if you live in a small country.
I bought a dog the other day...
...I named him Stay.
It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He's much smarter now...
...Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing.
I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record had a skip...
...The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed...
...it wasn't the kind that folds.
I can levitate birds. No one cares.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a right." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a left. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one...
...it wasn't doing what I was doing.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day...
...because that means it's going to be up all night.
I have a box of powdered water. I never know what to add.
I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights...
...I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I installed a skylight in my apartment...
...The people who live above me are furious.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I locked my keys in the car the other day...
...but it was alright; I was still inside.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's...
...she was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
I mix my water myself...
...two parts H and one part O.
I once locked my keys out of my car...
...I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
Last edited by Hatesink; 05-09-2008 at 03:35 AM.
Q. How many sociologists does it take to change a light-bulb?
A. The problem's in the system.
Doctor to patient: Sir, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like first?
Patient: Erm, I guess I'll have the bad news first.
Doctor: Ok, I'm sorry to tell you this, but we are going to have to amputate your right leg.
Patient: Oh my Lord! What could the good news possibly be?!
Doctor: The guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers!
One of mine...
I bought flowers. The instructions said "Plant in the cool part of the day"...
...does that mean I have to keep moving them?
(I wrote that, I'm proud of the fact. Oh yes, yes I am).
I have a joke or two!
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in sh*t up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with sh*t up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with sh*t up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
^Lol. Those are great!
~Mari.
Anyone here read The Killing Joke...?
'See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night... one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! So like they get up on to the roof, and there, just across the narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in moon light... stretching away to freedom.
Now the first guy he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daren't make the leap. Y'see he's afraid of falling... So then the first guy has an idea. He says "Hey! I have my flash light with me. I will shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk across the beam and join me." But the second guy just shakes his head. He says... he says..."What do you think I am, crazy?...You would turn it off when I was half way across."'
Last edited by Hatesink; 06-08-2008 at 03:24 PM.
No offense if you're blonde but I thought these 2 were funny:
1:
A ventriloquist and his dummy were telling jokes at a comedy club. The man tells a blonde joke, and everyone bursts into laughter except for one blonde girl. After the show, she approaches him and says "How can you tell such a mean joke?! Why would you discriminate someone just because of their hair color?"
Stunned, the man tries to stammer out an apology, but the blonde retaliates; "STAY OUT OF THIS! I'm talking to that little jacka** on your knee!"
2:
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"
more blonde jokes! (dont take offense cuz IM a blonde headed person)
1) a dumb blonde, a smart blonde, and the tooth fairy are walking down the street and they see a $100 bill. who picks it up?
the dumb blonde, the other 2 dont exist.
2)what do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
pregnant
3)a blonde, a brunette, & a red head walk into a bar and the barkeeper tells them that theres a magic mirror in the bathroom and if you tell the truth in front of it you get what you most desire but if you lie it sicks you in.
so the red head goes to the bathroom and says to the mirror "i think i am the most beautiful person in this bar" and she drives away in a expensive red car.
then the brunette walks into the bath room and says to the mirror "i think i am the smartest person in this bar" and she gets 1 million dollars.
the blonde walks into the bathroom and says to the mirror "i think..." then FWOOOMP! the blonde is gone, sucked into the mirror.
Oh my, I think I started a trend here!
Love #2 & 3, smartalec!
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA smarty!
#3 is awesomely hilarious!
thank you my cousin told it to me
Two guys went out hunting one day. One of them goes. "Hey man. I can see your house from here. And I can see your wife is cheating on you!" The other goes. "Shoot them both, shoot her in the head, and him in his nuts." To which is replied "I can get them both in one shot"
Loooooooooooooooooooool Man Thats Soooooooo Funny Lmao
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !
THAT'S funny. HAHA!!!!!!!!!!
~Mari.
Heh, Blue Collar Comdey Tour.
Larry The Cable Guy, right?
Meh turn again:
Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in."
"But we're privates," protests Jasper.
"We're sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink."
"But we're privates," says Jasper.
"You blind?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We're sergeants now."
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "Your cute," she says, "and I'd like to screw you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "Why'd you give me the okay?"
"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we're sergeants now."
LOL! That's a good one.
~Mari.
That was indeed a good one!
http://i306.photobucket.com/albums/n.../docsiglnk.png
A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.
When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"
The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".
Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"
----------------------------------------------------------------
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
~Mari.
Uwe Boll purchased the movie rights for Bioshock so he will be directing the movie.
here is his cast:
Jack-Eminem
Andrew Ryan-Kanye West
Atlas-Michael Cain
Tennenbaum-John Travolta in a wig
Big Daddy-CGI
Little Sister-Fat Joe
Sander Cohen-Steven Seagal
Last edited by jokerthesplicer; 06-10-2008 at 09:52 PM.
ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!
THAT is the BEST joke EVER! That one gets joke of the day. HAHA!
~Mari.
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