250 things Bioshock characters would never say

[The Dukenator]

Fontaine: Would you kindly go get stepped on by a Big Daddy?
Jack clubs an Elite Bouncer over the head with a wrench taking out almost all its health. The Big Daddy hits him and sets off stacked up Static Discharge and is electrocuted to death.
Fontaine: ... you're playing on easy mode aren't you?
Jack: *smirks*
Fontaine: Oh, bullocks.

Alternate version:
Fontaine: Would you kindly go get a Big Daddy to step on me?
*Jack gets a Big Daddy*
Fontaine: I was just kidding. I didn't think you actually do it.
Jack: Oh. However, I must do my job as instructed, so screw you. *knocks Fontaine on floor with golf club, then has Big Daddy step on him*
Fontaine: No, no, noooooooooooooooo!!!

[esipode]

I'm not sure if anyone has noticed, but we hit 500 posts for this thread. (And assuming you know the title of this thread, I would say this is cause for a celebration!)

[Randel]

Musical Events:

This is Halloween- Nightmare Before Christmas

Houdini Splicers:
Tender lovelings everywhere
Lifes no fun without a good scare!

Spider Splicers:
Thats our job, but we're not mean...

Little Sister and Big Daddy:
In our town of Halloween!

Sander Cohen:
In this town, you'll be loving how everybody's waiting for the next surprise! *cue Kirkpatrick's piano exploding*



Everything You Ever- Dr. Horrible's Sing-along Blog
Jack (standing over the body of Ryan):
The world at my feet... my victories complete
Hail to the king

chorus:
Everthing you ever...

Jack (as he obeys Atlas's command to insert the genetic key):
You think justice has a voice? That we all have a choice?
Well now your world is mine...

chorus:
Everything you ever...

(cue Atlas's betrayal and the attacking security bots. Jack calmly follows the Little Sister out of the room.)

Jack:
And I am fine...

(Musical interlude showing Jacks awkwardness around the Little Sister of whom he harvested some. The music turns a little more villianous as he undergoes the transformation into a Big Daddy. Final notes have him putting on the suit, boots and helmet. He gets into the elevator still in full Big Daddy getup)

Jack:
Now the now the nightmare's real.
Dr. Horrible is here to make you make you quake with fear!
And make the whole world kneel!

(Scenes flash of Jack mopping the floor with Fontaines corpse, then grabbing the Little Sisters, then getting all the Adam, all the power and starting his attack on the surface)

Jack (in full Big Daddy getup, power brimming as he prepares to hold the world hostage):
And I won't feel...

Jack (alone in his quarters, out of his suit with the scars from his splicing visible):
... a thing.


Under The Sea- The Little Mermaid (parody)
Ryan:
Under the sea! Under the sea!
There'll be no taxation,
just drugs and relaxation
here under the sea!

Whe don't need those laws I say!
No medicare or FDA!

Don't take no **** here,
down here in Rapture!

Just listen to meeee!

What have they got? Some lawyer fruits?
We got big mutants in diving suits!

You bet you're luckier
here in the muck here

Under the seaaa!

[ZOSO]

Big Daddy:Hey yall,goin to drill yall with my big drill.
Little Sister:And Im going stick my neddle in yall.
BD:Now LS you get back there and let me kill all these nice people.

[F.Futuristics]

Little Sister: cmon mister b lets find angels....
Big Daddy: hold on i gotta figure out how to **** in this suit.

[0ArmoredSoul0]

Jack: Why the f**k am I injecting myself with a syringe full of stuff that I don't know what it is?
---
Big Daddy (Bouncer): *attempts to drill Splicer into wall, misses and gets drill stuck* F**K! Why can't I just have a hand?!
---
Little Sister: *looking offscreen* Do I have to actually drink this stuff?
---
Atlas: GET THE F**K AWAY FROM ME!
---
Splicer: *scrambling across ceiling, drops hook* ****! *falls out of shot*

[Randel]

Jack (while looting a splicer and finding a creme-filled cake): Ooh, corpse candy! *munch* *munch* *munch*

---

Jack uses a flamethrower to torch a room filled with splicers and then starts searching them.

Jack: Ooh, beer! Aww... its warm. *drinks it unhappily*

---

Rich splicer attacking Jack: You! You're in league with Overlord Xenu! ... I mean Atlas.

---

Right after Jack deals with Doctor Stienmen he runs into three Little Sisters

Little Sisters:
Oh its bad luck to be you...
to be the chosen one of many isn't new!
When you think you're full of luck,
in the bullocks you'll be struck.

Oh its bad luck to be you.

Now Steinmen was once a surgeon elite,
who went mad and cut his patients up like meat!
Oh they came in with a frown,
and he turned it upside down.

Which is why now they are angels in the street.

Oh its bad luck to be you...
to be the chosen one of many isn't new!
When you think you're full of luck,
in the bullocks you'll be struck.

Oh its bad luck to be...
really bad luck to be...
nobody would disagee
its a freakin' guarantee

Its bad luck to be you!
Diddily do! *they vanish in a burst of rose pedals*

---

In the Theater between the Kasmir restaurant and Medical Pavilion.

Ryan:
So you've come sneaking into my city hoping to plunder it of its treasure? Well go right ahead! Here, let me show you the first ten seasons of the 'I love Andrew Ryan show!', I swear, they're comedy gold.

The splicers come rushing in and start banging on the glass:
Don't listen to him! Get out while you still can!

---

Right before splicing himself with electrobolt:

Jack: Well, my plane crashed in the middle of nowhere and I appear to have stumbled into some kind of weird underwater city full of killer mutants. My life's ruined forever, lets try this assisted suicide machine!

Jack injects himself

Jack: Argghh... lethal injection and electrocution?! These guys don't mess around!

Atlas: Actually, thats a plasmid, it re-writing your genetic code you you can shoot lightning.

Jack: What? You mean I can get superpowers with drugs down here? Awesome! **** you, anti-drug commercials, I'm gonna party like its the 1960's!

Atlas: Actually, it is the...

Jack: Like its the 1960's! *faints from the shock*

---

Outside Steinmens office where the nitro splicer is tossing bombs at you.

Jack: How do I get past this?

a ghost appears and looks at Jack

Ghost: Use the telekinesis plasmid Jack, use the telekinesis plasmid... *cheerful voice* there's a free sample at Dandy Dental for a limited time only!

Jack: Thank you, creepy hallucination! Where would I be without you.

---

Jack walks away from the Gatherers Garden machine having spent some ADAM but having a little left over. He spots one of the Baby Jane splicers.

Jack: Hey good looking, I've got a little ADAM left over. What say you and me get to know eachother a little and I'll share some with you. Know what I'm saying?

Baby Jane: Stop ogling me! *cracks Jack over the head with a lead pipe*

Jack (wakes up in a Vita-chamber): Ugh... what the... daggit! She swiped my ADAM!

---

Splicer (looking through store shelves): Soup... spam... beans... frag grenade... soup... nitro grenade... cat food... napalm... spam... plasmatic enzyme... spam... spam... acid... spam... empty can... spam... frag grenade... spam... proximity mine... spam... hand soap... spam... hand soup *eww*... spam... ADAM flavored peanut butter... spam... spam... first aid kit... spam... machine gun rounds... spam... EVE hypos... spam... spam... parts for killer security robot... spam... rubber hose... spam... ahh, acne cream *picks up a jar and heads for the cashier*.

---

Splicer walks into a pet store

Splicer: Sir, I wish to register a complaint!

Pet shop owner: Yeah? What is it?

Splicer: This parrot that I purchased not half an hour ago from this very shop is dead.

Pet shop owner looks at the parrot, taps it a bit, ducks under the counter and gets a syringe. He then injects the parrot with the green liquid and the bird shudders and twitches a bit before coming back to life.

Pet shop owner: Not anymore he isn't.


... the next day.

Splicer walks into the pet shop again, covered in gashes and scorch marks. The cage the parrot is in is all bent up and melted and the parrot has several holes in it from repeated shotgun blasts.

Splicer: Sir, I wish to register a complaint!

[SaintofRapture]

Splicer walks into a pet store

Splicer: Sir, I wish to register a complaint!

Pet shop owner: Yeah? What is it?

Splicer: This parrot that I purchased not half an hour ago from this very shop is dead.

Pet shop owner looks at the parrot, taps it a bit, ducks under the counter and gets a syringe. He then injects the parrot with the green liquid and the bird shudders and twitches a bit before coming back to life.

Pet shop owner: Not anymore he isn't.

XD Oh I love Monty Python~

(By the way, is the green liquid being injected into the parrot a reference to the Re-Animator trilogy? If so, you just won a hundred million gold stars in my book.)

[Randel]

XD Oh I love Monty Python~

(By the way, is the green liquid being injected into the parrot a reference to the Re-Animator trilogy? If so, you just won a hundred million gold stars in my book.)

Hmm... if those gold stars can be redeemed for American dollars then yes, yes it is.

If not, then I'll have to admit that I haven't heard of Re-Animator before now though from what I just read from the Wikipedia page then it sounds awesome and I'm totally going to see if my library has it in stock.

[Pteroid]

*Jack walks in a room to see a Big Daddy, Splicer, and Little Sister holding hands and swinging around in a circle*

Splicer: Ring around the rosie-

LS: Pocket full of posies-

BD: WURGH! WURGH!

*Jack blows them all away with a grenade launcher*

Atlas: They all went down.

[ramzca]

Splicer takes a dieing splicer's adam/scringe and injects the adam into his arm.

Dieing Splicer: "Hahaha! Jokes on you!"

Splicer: "Why?"

Dieing Splicer: "I have aids, b*tch!"

[bonedaddy18]

Jack:AGHHHH First splicers, then big daddys. and now i have to take care of some fruit cake.... i bet Master Chief dosent have to deal with s/*-t like this

[Big D]

is a man not entitled, to run his fukin city in peace!!!!

[Ureh]

Little Sister: What are you waiting for?! Stick it in the bad man!

Jack: STFU before I stick it up your a** instead!

---
LS: I'm ready for dream time, Mr.B.

Big Daddy: *noooooo*

LS: Take me home Mr.B.

BD: *noooooooo* - whale noise

LS: What did you say Mr.B?

BD: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO REPEAT MYSELF?! I said NO!

[JohnnyGioli]

Jack: Oh no! Andrew Ryan's my father!?
*Big Daddy (Bouncer) bursts through wall with a pitcher of Kool-Aid*: OH YEAH!

--

Splicer 1: Jesus loves me this I know, because the bible tells me so!
Splicer 2: Hold it. Now, if Jesus really loved you, would you be down here?!

--

Atlas: You know what Jack, forget this stupid quest. I'll meet you at McDonagh's tavern. Let's have a few beers!

--

That's all I can think of.
xD

[Seasick]

Splicer: Jesus loves me, this I know..

Jack: But the shotgun loves you more! *boom*

--------------------------

Little Sister: Mr Bubbles, Can we get out of this weird place? It's scaring me...

Big Daddy: Shut up you little Brat! I work hard 24/7. Doesn't a man deserve a few hours in Eve's Garden?

Little Sister: Nobody ever comes here anymore and..

Big Daddy: CAN'T A MAN HAVE DREAMS?!?


-------------------------------------------

*Rapture PSA*

Man: What's the Matter, Mary?

Mary: John. Everyone says i'm getting fat. What do you think?

John: *mumbles*

Mary: What?

John: *cough*

Mary: Give me your honest opinion, really.

John: Your a little....fat. Maybe you should go on a diet.

Mary: SCREW YOU JOHN!! NOBODY CARES WHAT YOU THINK!!!*runs away crying*

John: She asked for an honest opinion...

-------------------------------


Mom: Jimmy! I found THIS in your closet! *holds up EVE Hypo* What's this all about?

Jimmy: That's an EVE Hypo mom!

Mom: Oh, ok. *gives Jimmy EVE Hypo*

-----------------------------------

Girl: Hey! Get away from me with that slug.

---------------------------------------

Little Sister: Mr B? Why is that guy looking at me funny?

Mr B: Don't ALL splicers have funny faces?

*splicer runs up and harvests Little Sister*

Mr B: AW COME ON!!!

---------------------------

Jack: Oooh... Am I going to regret almost everything I do in this foreign underwater Utopia?

*After beating Fontaine*

Jack: Aw, Hell yeah.

-----------------------

Sander Cohen: My Masterpiece is complete! Now I can stand here until you leave!

Jack: Umm...

Sander: Oh I almost forgot! Here's everything I hold dear to myself. I have no doubt you won't hunt me down later in my apartment!

-------------------------------

*Anna Culpepper concert*

Sander: I can't believe ryan talked me into coming!

*concert finishes*

*One person claps*

Sander: DEATH TO PEOPLE WHO APPLAUDE ANNA CULPEPPER!!

*Sander pulls out a gun and shoots the clapping person*

[big daddy-owner]

*big daddy gets killed* AHHHH MB! HES GONA GET ME! *splicer* now u little bi*** we gonna have some fun tonight!!!! *LS*AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! *splicer*SHUTUP!!! *LS* *slaps* *splicer* slaps back *LS AND SPLICER GET IN SLAP FIGHT* *jack* WTF??>???!!!!!!!

[educatedSplicer]

*Jack 'rounds on a Weakened Bouncer guarding a Little Sister*

Guaarrrr! Big Daddy Charges and Jack dodges behind a Pillar! The Big Daddy SLAMS his drill into the ground, momentarily stunning Jack and then rushes him, but Jack's back on his feet! Angry now, he dispatches a hoard of ferocious Bees to disorientate the Bouncer as he starts bashing him with the wrench! With one final BLAST OF POWER he uses his Level 3 Incinerate right in the bouncer's face to finish him off. *Breathing heavily, Jack Takes Big Daddy's money and rounds on Little Sister, who's standing there, apparantly sweating, looking very shocked and appalled*

*Huff, huff.* Don't worry Little one, I'm not going to hurt you, you've been through enough, I'm here to rescue you*

Little Sister: M-Mr? After What I just saw y-you do to my Mr. Bubbles? I want to be HARVESTED.
*Licks lips and pulls up skirt*
Little Sister: Come and give me Lolly.

[Circus of Values]

*Jack 'rounds on a Weakened Bouncer guarding a Little Sister*

Guaarrrr! Big Daddy Charges and Jack dodges behind a Pillar! The Big Daddy SLAMS his drill into the ground, momentarily stunning Jack and then rushes him, but Jack's back on his feet! Angry now, he dispatches a hoard of ferocious Bees to disorientate the Bouncer as he starts bashing him with the wrench! With one final BLAST OF POWER he uses his Level 3 Incinerate right in the bouncer's face to finish him off. *Breathing heavily, Jack Takes Big Daddy's money and rounds on Little Sister, who's standing there, apparantly sweating, looking very shocked and appalled*

*Huff, huff.* Don't worry Little one, I'm not going to hurt you, you've been through enough, I'm here to rescue you*

Little Sister: M-Mr? After What I just saw y-you do to my Mr. Bubbles? I want to be HARVESTED.
*Licks lips and pulls up skirt*
Little Sister: Come and give me Lolly.

...

Oh dear god.

[educatedSplicer]

...

Oh dear god.

:) I've read worst. lol.

[Circus of Values]

Hehe. Yeah, I just remembered that one of my first posts in this forum is on page 41.

[Bioshocking123]

Ryan: Jack...I hate to tell you, but you were born to me from this funky broad down at the Eve strip club. You been there? Yeah, she was good....nice, firm, strong but not too forceful. You know what I'm saying? The kind of person you just wanna-what am I saying? I'm straying from the subject. So tell me...what is the difference between a man and a slave...

AWW. COV as a baby forum-er. How cuuuute. :p

[MiddleSister]

*in front of lighthouse door*
Jack: On second thought, let's not go to Rapture. 'Tis a silly place.
(Sorry if someone used that already!)

---------------------------

*sees leaking pipes, walls, ceilings, hallways, etc.*
Jack: I knew I should have brought my ShamWow!

---------------------------

Atlas: Boy-o? Could you bring me my chapstick?
Jack *fighting Splicers*: I'm really busy right now...
Atlas: But my lips hurt real bad!!!

---------------------------

*spliced up with Electro Bolt*
Jack: OMG, I'M A WIZARD!!!

---------------------------

Andrew Ryan: Mo' Plasmids, mo' problems.

[PoeticMadnesss]

Sander:I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts,
Andrew:Deedly dee dee dee
Sander:There they are all standing in a row
Andrew:Bum bum bum bum
Sander:Big ones, small ones,
Andrew:Some as big as my nuts!
Sander:Just give it a twist, a flick of your wrist, that's what the showman said!

Thank you for experiencing the Andrew Ryan and Sander Cohen sing-along, and the deep look into what the two did with their spare time. XD

I'll think of more when I have time.

[Zvriel Chkies]

Fear meets Bioshock.

Point Man from Fear and Jack accidentally get swapped in positon.

Jack fights with FEAR team well. Commander accidentally triggers command and he does everythign told to.
Jack after being terrorised by Replica Soldiers and Alma.
Well, that was terrifying. Hope there are no scary little girls where I was meant to go. Well cannot be so scary as this anyway.

Pointman.

Lands in Rapture.
Fontaine tries to control him with Would You Kindly and fails.
Comes down and sees it is not Jack too late to stop from saying Would you kindly get a move on and kill Ryan.......
Excuse me?
Get a move on you genetically modified freak......
Angry P
What did you just call me! I may be modified but I am no freak!
Fontiane runs away form the hail of bullets that comes his way.

Goes through blasting splicers in a slightly panicky rampage.
Comes upon a BD Bouncer.
Bullet pings off wall and hits it by accident.
P carefully starts shooting.
Ls comes into view form behind and say 'Get him My Bub......
P Aghhh!!!!!!! Little girl Dieeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!
Carves up BD and LS in a hail of bullets.
After raining bullets on the corpses to be sure goes up to site.
Ooh, whats this interesting stuff, picks up ADAM.
Tastes interesting, mmm, powers.
Goes through Rapture blasting BDs and LS at the same time whenever he sees them.
Comes upon Tennenbaum and many LS.
No I cannot take any more, too many evil little girls, sob.......
Please, bitte, don't kill the little ones.
Getting Alma flashbacks looking at LS doing some of the gruesome thigns they do.
They're only innocent little girls, don't hurt the little ones....
LS drains corpse and drinks blood.......
Urghhhhh.......
LS tries to stab P in the leg.......
Aghhhh!!!!!!! Get away!!!!!!!
You are a sick sentimental female Tennenbaum and storms off fast.
Meets Ryan in office.
You are a good son.....
Err, I am not your son.....
Ok. Don't tell Jack about the room.......
Errr, whatever, sure.......
Runs away from BD and LS fast.
After meeting the entire population of Rapture gets out in a panick.

Meets FEAR team and greets them with relief.
Where have you been?
You would not know, it was insane.

[NinjaJesus]

Andrew Ryan: I am Andrew Ryan, and I am here to ask you a question. Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow?
'No,' says the man in Washington, 'it belongs to the poor.'
'No,' says the man in the Vatican, 'it belongs to God.'
'No,' says the man in Moscow, 'it belongs to everyone.'
I rejected those answers. Instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose...
Rapture.
A city where the artist would not fear the censor,
where the scientist would not be bound by petty morality,
where the great will not be constrained by the small.
And with the sweat of your brow, Rapture can become your city, as well.
Jack: Cool story, bro!

________

Jack: (Anything)

[Telekinetic Puppeteer]

Andrew Ryan: I am Andrew Ryan, and I am here to ask you a question. Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow?
'No,' says the man in Washington, 'it belongs to the poor.'
'No,' says the man in the Vatican, 'it belongs to God.'
'No,' says the man in Moscow, 'it belongs to everyone.'
I rejected those answers. Instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose...
Rapture.
A city where the artist would not fear the censor,
where the scientist would not be bound by petty morality,
where the great will not be constrained by the small.
And with the sweat of your brow, Rapture can become your city, as well.
Jack: Cool story, bro!

::keels over:: >XD;;;

[ATLAS IS WATCHING]

*in front of lighthouse door*
Jack: On second thought, let's not go to Rapture. 'Tis a silly place.
(Sorry if someone used that already!)

---------------------------

*sees leaking pipes, walls, ceilings, hallways, etc.*
Jack: I knew I should have brought my ShamWow!

---------------------------

Atlas: Boy-o? Could you bring me my chapstick?
Jack *fighting Splicers*: I'm really busy right now...
Atlas: But my lips hurt real bad!!!

---------------------------

*spliced up with Electro Bolt*
Jack: OMG, I'M A WIZARD!!!

---------------------------

Andrew Ryan: Mo' Plasmids, mo' problems.

ha ha Biggie refrence :D

[Crimson_92]

Steinmen: why do we have two? two eyes, two ears, two legs, two breasts...hhhmmm....I just got an idea...ooohhh-riiiighhht gigity-gigity.
Ryan: I AM RYAN!!! YOUR KING!!!
Circus of Value vending machine: (in an Australian accent) Whaddya Buyin'?

lol Those ones are great. Especially the RE4 Merchant and Quagmire references. :D

[Dr.BridgetteTenenbaum]

BD1- OMG did u just eat her....

Jack-Omg what do u expect i save her life and she gives me what a tiny teddy bear full of Rubbish
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack- Yummy pep bar...

LS- Hey thats mine god sake every single time i should get a penny for everytime some1 does that -.-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
LS- *screams*

BD- What is it u scream like every single second god hmm maybe if i take my suit of it will cool me down

LS- o.o *faints*

BD- what a really look that bad

[Dr.BridgetteTenenbaum]

LS- *Scream*

BD - For god sake try not to look in the mirror :l

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ls- too many 3 too many 3 too many

BD- Are u on drugs or something

LS- Im ready for dream time mr bubbles

BD- god get help

[Dr.BridgetteTenenbaum]

sahdhjetjdndg

[Sister Savior]

LS: (singing) Come and bring me tacos, come and bring me candy, tedy bears, tedy bears.
BD: Did you take your medication today?
LS: Did you take your shut the hell up today?
BD: Ah, touche

[ATLAS IS WATCHING]

(if you never heard of the song straight outta compton from N.W.A then
your not gonna get this parody)

N.W.A - straight outta compton, Bioshock parody

andrew ryan: "straight outta rapture! a crazy brother named andrew.
from the gang called Splicers With Attidude. i got a plasmid, you can have
it, im going savage. you too boy if you mess with me, the big daddies are going to have to come and get me. but i will never be captured, yo im straight outta rapture!"

[Sister Savior]

LS'S: (stabing fontaine to death) THIS IS OUR HOUSE B****!!!!!

[MFreak]

BD - GRRRRRRRRRRWWWWWWWWWWw
Jack - Wow, those things sound horrible
BD - Sorry, I had something in my throat

Andrew Ryan - I am Andrew Ryan and I am here to ask you a question:
Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow?
Jack - Yeah . . . sweat . . . no thanks

Andrew Ryan - I rejected those answers. Instead, I chose something
different. I chose the impossible. I chose to play golf while my city was destroyed by crackheads

[Sister Savior]

LS: If I drink this will I get aids?
BD: You know what screw this This little b**** has been a pain in ass for to long forget it im done (walks away)
LS: What a f***ing A** H***

[Sister Savior]

Jack: (sees spider splicer on ceiling) Could you stop doing that, it creeps me right the f*** out, and how are you doing it anyway
Spider Splicer: you know I have no idea myself
.................................................. .................................................. .................................Jack: why the F*** did I come down here anyway. I didnt have to pull the bathysphere lever, I could have used the radio to call for help. God I am retarded
.................................................. .................................................. .................................Cohen: go ahead touch my masterpie... not with your F***ING WRENCH!!! you dick:mad:

[NinjaJesus]

Andrew Ryan - I rejected those answers. Instead, I chose something
different. I chose the impossible. I chose to play golf while my city was destroyed by crackheads

I coughed and lol'd and coughed again

[A.Ryan29]

Sander Cohen:I want to be like Vincent Van Gogh!(Does anyone get the reference?)
Tenenbaum:Young Lady!Quit sucking that man's blood out right now!
Andrew Ryan:I rejected these answers.Instead I chose something different,I chose the impossible.I chose to build...Legos.

Vincent Van Gogh, I definately got it lolz

[Seasick]

*Bouncer auditions for American Idol*

Bouncer: AAAAAAUUUUUUUGHUUUUU!!!! AUGHU AUGHU! AUGHU AGHUUUU AOOOO!!!!
Judges: -.- No


--------------------

Atlas: Would you rather get 80 adam and a teddy bear? Or 180 adam and get like 10 things from a Gatherer's Garden?

Jack: What was the second one?

------------------------------------


Ryan: These people all earned spots on my wall and....

Jack: Whoah Whoah Whoah.... Why are these guys here?

Ryan: Fontaine's men...So....

Jack: Wait! There's cousin Elmer and Aunt Louise!

Ryan: Uh...no it's not.

Jack: Which means....YOUR MY DAD! AAAHHHH!!!!!

Ryan: Quick hit the Reset button on this guy's PS3!

[Alaanya]

I laughed pretty hard all the way through, awesome stuff.

Splicer 1: It's my ADAM, I earned it!

Splicer 2: Fine, never mind the fact that Rapture is a community property city, but that's ok. I've come to expect this from you, you are selfish especially in bed! Fine, I'm done, I don't care what the therapist says, I'm done trying! :turns and walks away:

Splicer 1: Charlie! Where are you going Charlie!

Splicer 2: To your sister's, at least SHE knows what a man likes!

[Randel]

Fontaine: Alright, I just beat Ryan and his little brainwashed science experiment kid is going to die for the last time. Lets see what the old man had on his computer...

Computer: User name changed, now replaying messages

Congratulations Overseer Ryan!
Congratulations Vault-Tech employee! You are now embarking on the most ambitious project that Vault-Tech has made in providing protection against a possible global nuclear war! In association with Ryan Industries and the American Government, Vault-Tech has created its first underwater city-sized fallout shelter to protect the human race from possible extinction.

It is vitally important that the occupants of Vault 53 (codenamed Rapture) be kept unaware of vaults association with the US government and the all too real possibility that a nuclear war has devastated and destroyed all life on the surface. Doing so may compromise the Vaults stated mission and accompanying social experiment.

Please note that Vault 53 (codenamed Rapture) will be heavily monitored with surveillance cameras and other means and the data will be collected and used by Vault-Tech scientists to determine the success of the experiment.



Fontaine: What the.... hell?

[Cohen's prodigy]

Fonataine: "would you kindly come scratch this itch on my back I can't reach it....yeah that's the spot"

[Jub8Jub]

I might be stretching the things they will never say because Bioshock is already made.
But I would like Ryan to say this.

Ryan(Talking to someone) Frank Fountaine...Frank Fountaine...you see there are no gods or kings in rapture, There is a Man...AND ME.

[Seasick]

Atlas: Listen, Boyo. You know i'm some bald guy from the Bronx that looks like the inside of a human body that bought you from a stripper, right? I also am secretley watching your every move and You were going to find out sooner or later. So stop with this "Ooo! Save my family and ye get me pot o' gold!" Junk so You don't have to have me gas you after me telling you to save Rapture and all...... So let's put all this behind us and go get drinks on me.

Jack: o.o

-------------------------

Steve Barker: *looking at hole in bathroom wall* AW COME ON!!!

-------------------------

Atlas: YOU'LL NEVER GET ME POT O' GOLD! NEVER!!!

-------------------------

*Jack Stumbles into a room after killing several splicers*

Jack: *breathing heavily* I just need a bandage....A bandage....

*Jack picks splicer's pocket*

*JACK LOOTED SOME CHEESE!*

Jack: Terrific.

-------------------------

AUDIO DIARY: MASHA COME HOME:

Hey, Masha....Uhh......Some guy just took you away from me and i'm talking in a *gasp* obviously fake accent and *sob* You better come home before your dad grabs his gun and comes looking for you and.....

Dad in background: Hey honey, I need another beer.


Mom: Oh, sure...*giggles while moving around. You hear a clank of metal. Then she comes back to the microphone.*

Dad: Thanks Hon.

Mom: but the WORST PART IS......

Dad: Honey, The TV got all crackily and screwy again....

Mom: Whoops! *gets up and fixes TV*

Dad: Thanks.

Mom: Look...Just come home.


*Audio Diary Ends*

Jack: Aah.....Wow.....

-----------------------

Jack: does EVERYTHING have to be PAINFUL in this game?!?


-----------------------


Tenenbaum: You took what you wanted...ALL the ADAM ALL the power.....

Jack: Listen, Tenenbaum, Could you maybe...oh, I dunno.....STOP FOLLOWING ME?!? *mumbles while goose stepping away* Yeesh.....All I did was harvest 20 young girls......


---------------------------


HOW THE RAPTURE CIVIL WAR REALLY STARTED!!!

Ryan: Listen, Fontaine...Whoever win this game of the card game war gets Rapture. Whoever looses......Has to watch one of Sander Cohen's god awful plays.

Fontaine: Deal.

*Ryan Wins*

Fontaine: RAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! I WAGE WAR ON THE!!!!!

----------------------------

Jack: Hey, Atlas...

Atlas: Yeah, boyo?

Jack: If you could open that door to the sub to the Medical Pavillion... Why can't you do it to the Securis doors in both Fort Frolic or Arcadia? And speaking of Fort Frolic...You practically control Rapture! When Sander trapped me there, The could've opened the gates and sent a new Bathysphere up BEFORE that turtle-neck- wearing clown jammed the transmissions. And WHY are there a bunch of photos of me on this desk here? I don't even remember STANDING there and.....

Atlas: Uh....Boyo.....

Jack: Yes? *bats eyelashes*

Atlas: I grow Impatient. Put the dang card in the dang slot so I can betray you- I mean get you outta here!

----------------

*For those of you that used to read the infamous comic strip Calvin & Hobbes, This is for you*


Atlas: Hey Jack! Could you make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? And Just put peanut butter on it! I don't like Jelly! Oh, and be sure to cut it anything but Horizantal. And use regular bread. I hate those weird grain breads!

Jack: *hands Atlas sandwich* Your MAJESTEY'S sandwich..

Atlas: Hey! The is a Horizantally cut, Weid breaded sandwich with Jelly! Weren't you LISTENING?





*Calvin and Hobbes is owned by Bill Waterson. Who I am not.

[Adam And Eve]

Kevin: My fans would never act like pompous idiots who read too much into this game simply because I incorporated elements of objectivism and different Ayn Rand philosophies!

Oh wait, is this only for game characters?

[Alaanya]

Fontaine: Alright, I just beat Ryan and his little brainwashed science experiment kid is going to die for the last time. Lets see what the old man had on his computer...

Computer: User name changed, now replaying messages

Congratulations Overseer Ryan!
Congratulations Vault-Tech employee! You are now embarking on the most ambitious project that Vault-Tech has made in providing protection against a possible global nuclear war! In association with Ryan Industries and the American Government, Vault-Tech has created its first underwater city-sized fallout shelter to protect the human race from possible extinction.

It is vitally important that the occupants of Vault 53 (codenamed Rapture) be kept unaware of vaults association with the US government and the all too real possibility that a nuclear war has devastated and destroyed all life on the surface. Doing so may compromise the Vaults stated mission and accompanying social experiment.

Please note that Vault 53 (codenamed Rapture) will be heavily monitored with surveillance cameras and other means and the data will be collected and used by Vault-Tech scientists to determine the success of the experiment.



Fontaine: What the.... hell?

Randel, I love the Fallout reference. Lol....now I want to play Fallout 3.....

[Sister Savior]

Jack: I need to get outa here I killed my dad some guy who created my life and its finally over
?????: my friend you just got punked we K.Od you built a giant water tower with high tech stuff never imaginable and this is the greatest punk EVER!!! It cost us 100 billion dollars!!!!!!!!:D
Jack::eek:

[Sister Savior]

LS: its alright I know heel be an angel soon.

BD : WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!!!! NOT ONLY DOES HE ESCAPE BUT HE TAKES DOWN F*CKING (spoiler) ANDREW RYAN!!!!!!

LS : I said HELL BE AN ANGEL SOON NOW LETS GO!!!

BD : dip sh*t

[Seasick]

Fontaine: *deep russian accent* I must break you.


--------

Big Daddy: Where's my GOD DANG PAYCHECK?!?

[Whitey_347]

Steinman: This one, too fat! This one, too tall. This one... LOOKS LIKE BRITTANY SPEARS!!!
lol i know bad humor but some of em do when the chicks are bald

[Whitey_347]

Jack: LEAVE BRITTNEY ALONE!!!
Steinman: Whats this Goddess, Chris Crocker, hes Ugly! UGLY!!! UGLY!!!!!!!!
sorry for the double post but didnt think of this until later lol

[Plasmids_are_the_Paint]

Someone is bound to have used this before....

Andrew : jack i am your father!

starwars?

[Amandatini]

*Bouncer auditions for American Idol*

Bouncer: AAAAAAUUUUUUUGHUUUUU!!!! AUGHU AUGHU! AUGHU AGHUUUU AOOOO!!!!
Judges: -.- No


I love this one :D

[Timaa]

Ok, i got 1:

*Sander Cohen comes down the staires an looks at his Masterpice*
Sander: Oh you really killed them. You sick bastard. It was just a joke. Oh my God. Do you do everything some stranger tells you.

[pie-demon]

Jack: Why do you wear that bunny mask?
Cohen: Why do you wear that man mask? (Donny Darko reference)


Steinman: This one, too fat! This one, too tall. This one. Well actually... this one looks just fine as is.


Sullivan:When it was done, with Cullpepper. I left her as she was in the bath. I saw this bag of preztels lying on the chair nearby. I took them so they could be of use to someone.

Atlas: Crikey! Whatch ya'self ther'r splicers round these parts. Plenty dangerous....

Hold on kid I'm gonna try ta' remember, the accent I was usin' before. Ma brain and my mouth don't seem'ta want to keep together. I'll be done before you can say "Phony over-da-top irishmen"


Donnie Darko FTW


Atlas: *sub explodes* Oh Moira! Oh Patrick *sob* PSYCH, Ha can't belive you fell for that!"

[Traxex187]

(After Jack gets his pistol upgraded.)

"I know what your thinking punk...Did he fire 24 shots OR only 23 ...."

[Seasick]

*Splicer singing to the 'baby'*:When daddy is a Wasted guy, I am there to say good bye, I grab your cradle, run out the door, Go to Eve's Garden and your whole life is turned upside down!"

Jack: Never heard that one before o.o

[Egg02]

Splicer: Why can't we all just...get along?
(the way butters says it on south park:p)

[soundwave145]

atlas:why do they were those masks?

splicer:because they match my purse :k hahaha

[Plasmid78]

BD: Oh, you thought that was a plasmid?

Jack: Wait, what did you just say?

BD: It's not a plasmid. It's a laxative.

Jack: Ahhh f*ck! Timeout!!!!

BD: *kills Jack with drill* Works every respawn. :D

[Seasick]

Little Sister: Aren't you a little short to be a Big Daddy?

Jack: Ummm.....No.


---------------------------------------


Janitor: *looking at Rapture inside* AH COME ON!


----------------------------------------

Andrew Ryan: Government and Religion is AWESOME!!!

----------------------------------------

Little Sister: Mr B, Chris Hansen says you can't play with me!

---------------------------------------

*Jack shoots splicer in crotch*

Cartman: Dude, Seriously!

----------------------------------------

Cohen: What kind of an Excuse for a Masterpiece is this? *Burns all pictures* DO IT AGAIN!

Jack: But I...

Cohen: NOW!

-----------------------------------------

Sullivan: No! MY BADGE! MINE! HAHAHA!!!

----------------------------------------

*little sisters kill fontaine*

Jack: OWNED!

---------------------------------------

Little Sister: Mr B! Let's go harvest ADAM!

Mr. B: No. Whaddya gonna do now?

Little Sister: FONTAINE! MR. B WON'T HARVEST ADAM WITH ME!

*Fontaine glares at Big Daddy*

Mr B. And after we do this, I'll give you a nice Pill that stops your hear- I MEAN CHOCOLTE MINI CANDY!

Little Sister:....

-------------------------------------

BOB DYLAN + ANDREW RYAN = FAIL

----------------------------

[thrall23]

Atlas would you kindly get me a soda

[B1gSister01]

I want to be like Vincent Van Gogh!(Does anyone get the reference?)

I WANT TO TAKE THE EARS OFF...

But seriously...

Jack: Hey Atlas, why do I never see you?

Atlas: Uh...well...because um, I'M A GHOOOOST! WHOOOOOOOOO....

Jack: I can see you in the back room there. You're drinking Guiness.

Atlas: Uh...no i'm not.

*EDIT*

Got another one:

Little Sister: Aren't you a bit short for a Big Daddy?

Jack: Aren't you a bit evil for a little girl?

[FloodWorks]

Big Daddy: Mwaaaaaaaah!

Jack: Mweeeeeeeeeh?

Big Daddy: No, no, from the diaphram! MWAAAAAAAAH!

[ShepherdGrey]

Peachy: "It puts the ADAM on it's skin and puts it in the Pneumo..."

Cohen: "Note to self: needs thinner mixture on Quick-Dry Cement."

Ryan: "How would you like to make a dollar, Billy?"
(If you watched early seasons of South Park, this is really damn funny.)

and, the best for last, which is a SPOILER:

Atlas: "Come, son of Ryan, and kneel before Fontaine!"

-or-

Jack (just before the killing blow to Fontaine): "In the end, there can be only one."

i haven't read many other posts, so i'm sorry if i copied someone.

[Jedi Knight Big Daddy]

Jack after watching the BD maul the splicer that attacks the first LS: So Atlas, are there uhhh any more of those bathyspheres that took me down here that can take he back up to the surface layin' around?...

Atlas: Uhh not that I know of boyo, why?

Jack: Oh, no reason, (brings gun to head):p

[TheParasite]

~Ducky splicer to Spider splicer~

"Don't you think we're a little too rough on that Jack guy? I mean we should get to know him, see if he likes smooth jazz."

[Dmaster305]

Langford: Mr. Ryan! Please Don't!
Ryan: Im sorry Ms. Langford but its right here in the contract 'violation of this contract will result in termination'
Langford: Mr. Ryan give me another chance!!
GLaDoS: NOW DISPENSING DEADLY NEUROTOXINS...HAVE A NICE DAY!
--or---
Langford: Mr. Ryan give me another chance!!
*the gas comes out of the vents*
Langford: *wheeze* *cough* *cough* Woooahhh.... Wicked sick brah! Im totally trippin balls man....
Ryan: Oops wrong gas tank
Langford: Pretty colors...

----
LS: I! DRINK! YOUR! ADAM!!!!! I DRINK IT UP!!

[Ai14]

Jack: "*sees silent plastered splicers* IT LOOKS SO REAL, IT'S LIKE IT'S MOVING!!!".

Ryan: "Jack... I, am your father."
Jack: "No that's not true, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!".

BD: "Come with me little girl"

Can't think of anymore right now.

[Sister Savior]

Jack:*sees ls's killing fontaine* OH!!! YOU GOT PWNED!!!! :p

Fontaine: :mad: *flips jack off*

[DOOMdestroyer360]

little sister Don't be a slowpoke Mr. B! Angels dont wait for slow pokes.
big daddy Your calling me a slowpoke?!??!

[Ai14]

sullivan: HEY, I AM A COP, AND YOU WILL RESPECT MAH AUTHORITEHH!

anna culpepper: Dammit I'm so itchy... DOWN THERE!
(when you go to anna culpeppers suite in the bathtub where her body is, you'll see some crabs in the tub with her.)

Peach Wilkins talking to Fontaine: oh well you seem like a nice enough sort.

[Sister Savior]

Atlas!! You Can Kill Me But You Will Never Have My Taco Bell Tacoooooo!!!!!! *TAKES BITE* MMMMMMYYYY TACOOOOOO!!!!!

[BigDaddy_2.0]

Atlas: Does anybody else think i sound like Bob Geldof?

[Whitey_347]

little sister Don't be a slowpoke Mr. B! Angels dont wait for slow pokes.
big daddy Your calling me a slowpoke?!??!

how bout this

little sister Don't be a slowpoke Mr. B! Angels dont wait for slow pokes.
big daddy THOSE ANGELS ARE DEAD ROTTING CORPSES!!!:eek:

[Dmaster305]

how bout this

little sister Don't be a slowpoke Mr. B! Angels dont wait for slow pokes.
big daddy THOSE ANGELS ARE DEAD ROTTING CORPSES!!!:eek:

LS: Don't be a slowpoke Mr.B! Angels don't wait for slowpokes
BD: Kid, those 'angels' aren't gonna go anywhere any time soon

[Whitey_347]

LS: Don't be a slowpoke Mr.B! Angels don't wait for slowpokes
BD: Kid, those 'angels' aren't gonna go anywhere any time soon... awww SPLICER!, they turned into lockboxes:D

[Zvriel Chkies]

Fear meets Bioshock

Pointman is brought to the bosses office after recovering from the events of Fear.

Boss
So you are recovered enough to go back to duty.
Yes Sir
Well agent 01, ( that code name makes sense now), we have done thourough scans and you are clear of all controls and contaminants.
You are a perfect warrior.
Thank you.
And Armacham have no hold over you, but be careful all the same.
Sir!
They were heard berating themselves for not 'doing a Atlas' though.
Sir?
Never mind we will get to that later.
So all the triggers fixed, no flashbacks?
Not badly.
Good.
You have a mission.
Snaps chair arms off in fear. Room shakes.
Not Alma. She is Michael Beckets problem now.
Ok. Relaxes.
You are going to investigate a place called Rapture, with your team.
Sir.
There won't be any scary girls there will there? Because I am not quite over that yet, shudders and room ignites.
Well that we don't know, information is sketchy.
Sir, I will do my best.
You will be fine, it is a very dangerous place.
You are the perfect soldier for this.
Sir!

[DOOMdestroyer360]

LS: Don't be a slowpoke Mr.B! Angels don't wait for slowpokes
BD: Kid, those 'angels' aren't gonna go anywhere any time soon... awww SPLICER!, they turned into lockboxes:D

thats the one. :rolleyes:

[douko]

Ryan Andrew: I'm Ryan Andrew, and I'm here to ask you a question: Did you bring any chicks with you? I've killed the one I was with. Oh, and beer.

[I Would Kindly]

Andrew Ryan: I am Andrew Ryan, and I'm here to ask you a question. Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow?

Jack: No.

Andrew Ryan: ...

[god_smaka]

Rosie: WTF IM NOT A CHICK!

[Dmaster305]

Ryan Andrew: I'm Ryan Andrew, and I'm here to ask you a question: Did you bring any chicks with you? I've killed the one I was with. Oh, and beer.

I believe its Andrew Ryan

anyway..


LS: C'mon Mr.B Ang..
BD: FOR THE LAST &@*#^# TIME MY NAME IS JOE!!! JOOEE!! J...O...E!! JOE!!!
LS:.......C'mon Mr.B angels don..Mr.B what are you doing?
*BD throws little sister into Pnemo tube*
BD: Go annoy someone else!

[venom11]

rosie: who the hell give me a stupid name like this!? bouncer is cooler name! why my name is not like that?! why i didn't get a name like...uh..uh...SOME OTHER COOL NAME!!! I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A CHICK NAME!!!

[SynCoSyn]

Random Turret: F*ck off, quit hacking my tubes. This isn't a visectamy.

*flashback ghosts*
Ghost A: Im getting outta here. F*ck Fontaine!!
Ghost B: You don't f*ck Fontaine, Fontaine f*cks you!!!
Ghost C(in a gay tone): oh yea and he's great at it.

[Whitey_347]

Random Turret: F*ck off, quit hacking my tubes. This isn't a visectamy.

*flashback ghosts*
Ghost A: Im getting outta here. F*ck Fontaine!!
Ghost B: You don't f*ck Fontaine, Fontaine f*cks you!!!
Ghost C(in a gay tone): oh yea and he's great at it.

XD Funny as Hell!!! so thats where Fontaine been gettin tail in Rapture

[The Dukenator]

Fontaine: In tribute of Michael Jackson, this song is for you. *plays Thriller*
*Splicers doing the Thriller dance*
*Later after song ends*
Fontaine: *sinister laugh* Now, die. Splicers, ATTACK!

[SynCoSyn]

*radio message*
Cohen: *hysterical* The ears won't come off...no matter hard I try...
IT WON'T COME OFF!>!>!>...No matter how hard I hop I can't get off.
The ears won't come off....take it off.

*snickering in the background*
Cohen: Alrightm who f*cking super glued the ears to my head.??

[The Dukenator]

Fontaine: *sings while taking shower* La la la la la la la...
Splicer: *sneaks in* Heh heh heh *flushes toilet* *leaves*
Fontaine: *screams*

I wonder who actually done this in reality.

[first big daddy]

bouncer: oh my god oh my god oh my god i killed her!
rosie:what happened!
bouncer:well i was just walking a long and i tripped and... well you know the rest.

[Throttle521]

BD: (Singing) I love little girls they make me feel so good
I love little girls they make me feel so bad
When they're around they make me feel Like I'm the only guy in
town


Jack: This place just gets more and more distrubing...

[Sister Savior]

JACK: *WALKS INTO BATHROOM* HOLD ON ATLAS i GOTTA DROP A DUCE. opens first stall an sees a giant hole
JACK: DAMNIT!
opens second stall sees a completley destroyed toilet
JACK: AH COME ON!
opens third stall and sees a corpse with its head in the toilet
JACK: :eek: *slowly closes door*
opens forth and final stall sees a toilet made of marble with marble tiles and a chandelier hanging above.
JACK: :D AWSOME! *sits down does his buisnes*
when hes done reaches for toilet paper and see that there is none
JACK: :eek: NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! THHHHHHHHEEEEE HORRROR!!!!! THE HORROR!!


hope this is one of my first actually funny ones:D

[O'Murrchoe]

^ LOL :D


Little Sister: Look Mr B, its an angel!

BD: For the last time it aint a freaking angel :mad:



Andrew Ryan: I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose...Rapture. A city where the artist would not fear the censor. Where the scientist would not be bound by petty morality. Where the great would not be constrained by the small. A city where there are so many leaks its surprising that it is even still standing

I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose...Rapture. A city where the artist would not fear the censor. Where the scientist would not be bound by petty morality. Where the great would not be constrained by the small. A Sh*tty.... Hahahaha *camera crew laugh*

Andrew Ryan Ok people haha, places please. Take Two.

[Sister Savior]

TOTALL RIP OFF FAM GUY:p

Fontaine: I met a new woman and were dating
paparazi: when do we get to meet her
Fontaine: sorry but I dont want you bothering her :p
paparazi: oh, well let me ask you this, does she have a alibi?
F: why, no of course not
P: so your saying she doesnt have an alibi
F: well no
P: so youve established she aint got NO ALIBI! SHE UGLY! SHE UGLY! U! G! L! Y! SHE AINT GOT NO ALIBI SHE UGLY
F: SCREW OFF!
p: M SHES MAJOR UGLY O! SHES FAT AND PUGLY OMG NOW THE COW SAYS MO*SEES A GUN WOUND THROUG HIS HEAD*
F: WHOS LAFIN NOW *****!

[Luigisf]

Sorry if someone already posted this, but I didn't read all the posts.

Splicer:"You know what?, I'm making a new year's resolution...I'm gonna kick the ADAM"
Splicer 2:"....can I keep the ADAM you have then?"

[GuardianofLight]

Atlas: Now grab that Little Sister and tear the slug out of her stomach!
Jack: Wait, what?!
Atlas: You need the ADAM that they carry!
Jack: You expect me to tear open a little girl for FETUS JUICE?!
Atlas: Erm, well, they're also full of delicious cake.
Jack: OOH DELICIOUS CAKE! -riiiiip-


Bouncer 1: So, why'd you get Big Daddied?
Bouncer 2: Ah, you know. Free thinker. A 'parasite'.
Bouncer 1: Oh.
Bouncer 2: How 'bout you?
Bouncer 1: It was the only way they'd let me be around little girls.
Bouncer 2: -backs away slowly-

[Dmaster305]

Jack: My parents said 'son your special' then I killed them....


Splicer: QUIT OOGLEING ME!!
Jack: HAH! I wouldn't oogle you even if I was blind!

[Zvriel Chkies]

A Bioshock joke.

Jack goes to the mainland with the control broken.
He helps a friend fix their car.
Male friend says 'Would you kindly pass the.......hits head.......ow, hit me.......wrench.......
Jack picks up wrench.......
Female friend comes to garage
She says Tennenbaum, rang for the second time. She says the control is not completely broken.......sees blood pool.......
Too late.......I knew we should have the maid answer the phone.......

[BoxedLunch]

Tenenbaum:Here! Take this, it will help the little ones.
Jack:Okay!
*crash*
Jack:Uh...It, fell.
Tenenbaum:Oh that's fine, just harvest em' I really don't give a s***.

[SynCoSyn]

Suchong: Break the puppies neck.

Young Jack: No...

Suchong: Then what the hell are we gonna eat for dinner, huh?

Little Sister: Papa Suchong!! Papa Suchong!!

Suchong: Christ!! it's like running a special ed nursery school.

[god_smaka]

A man buys from The circus of values! A slave eats off the floor!

[Hector_Spector]

Jim: Gee Mary you look a little blue.
Mary: Well, I've been thinking Jim, and frankly I'm scared at the thought that we are here at the bottom of the ocean and all we got is some glass and a bit of steel to stop us from being crushed by the power of the sea.
Jim: Whoa, whoa slow down there Mary...hang on. OH MY GOD! YOUR ABSOLUTELY RIGHT WERE ALL GOING TO DIE!
Mary: Damn it feels good to be right for once, propaganda be damned, it's time to open our eyes for once.

[R∅D KILLIAN QUAIN]

[Chorus]
We got 'em goin down for the count, lookin at the ground
That's why we got splicers, that's why we got splicers
Splicers everywhere we go, splicers everywhere we go... :cool:

Someone finish this... I'm not good at this junk haha :D

[Zvriel Chkies]

[Chorus]
We got 'em goin down for the count, lookin at the ground
That's why we got splicers, that's why we got splicers
Splicers everywhere we go, splicers everywhere we go... :cool:

Someone finish this... I'm not good at this junk haha :D

Where they all come from nobody knows.

[BoxedLunch]

BD: How do I go poop in this thing?

[BioBubbles]

Jack: ugh i stepped in dog poo! :P

[Zvriel Chkies]

Female Spider Splicer in Neptunes Bounty who is hard to kill.

Wailing about males and please come back etc.

Female Leatherhead. Oh shut up. Do you want to know why he left? Your face looks like mutant pizza and you wail a lot about many males.
Your face looks like that too.
But I do not wail about it!
Female Thuggish Splicer. Yeah, shut up, your're getting on my nerves.
LS Seriously girl, why do you want a guy anyway. They're no good.
TS Yeah, whiny b*****ds, better off without.
SS Maybe you are right.......Lets go to Macdonaughs.......
On way there.
SS puts arms over others shoulders.
Did I ever tell you about the time I was belle of the pier......
LS oh yes we have.......
TS brandishes light rod and knocks her out when she starts talking about usual stuff.
LS puts arm round TS and says.
Lets go before she wakes up.......
TS Yeah, not worth looting. But I feel sorrish for that guy Jack.
LS Ye poor mans got her eye.......
TS She will be giving him flowers next.......

[R∅D KILLIAN QUAIN]

*Jack rescues little sister*

Adam? Again? This stuff tastes like urine!

*Kills her with wrench*

[Zvriel Chkies]

Jack escapes Rapture after the end of B1.

After working as a mercenary under many names he gets a call from FEAR First Extraction Assault Recon ( from FEAR series).

After passing the tests he is interviewed.

Interviewer,
So all seems right, some more things.
Ok.
Full name in register.
I suppose it would come up. Use Dimitri Rianev. Neither party would look for that.
Yes not been used for years. It will work.
Call sign. You choose. Choices are R 18 or 13.
Shudders. R13. Never want to hear 18 again.
Understood.
Place of origin and accessibility of enemies or tracing.
Rapture. Not a problem so long as you do not call me Jack.......ever.
Understood, Dimitri.
Some fun things.
Do you want to sign up for the whale song relaxation time.
No, never, not at all.
Ok.
The misison.
Do you have any fear of young girls.
Nothing I cannot get over.
Good because this one you won't be saving or killing, gutting and eating the slug with this one.
ok.
Welcome to the FEAR team R13. You and the Pointman code P1, will get on fine. Both got much in commen.
Sounds interesting.
Ryan and Fontaines crew will never find me now.

Alma goes to Rapture.

Floating along taking in the sights, she comes across a LS and follows her to Tennenbaum.
As little girl Alma comes up the Tennebaum.
Meine liebling, I do not remember you.......
Turns into true form.
Ah!
Get on fine till she asks about the LS.
Fake sentimentality drops and she clinically and excitedly explains the process.
O_O'
Camera whirrs by with sounds of recording.
Goes on about the proposed comatose state that failed.
Alma goes nuclear in rage and corridor shakes.
Ja, und the little ones are mine now. All the adam and the power.
Alma. Someone has to have it.
Exactly little one.
Plus, I have a nice image, that helps.
Mmmmm.
Goes on to explain a greater and more harsh plan and ends with
They are only test subjects, I can get more. Plenty more fish in the clone pool
Alma stares for a long moment.
You sick *****. You are seriously ****ed up. And a hypocrite too.
Tennebaum backs off in the face of a nuclear blood volcanoe.
Alma blasts tunnel and destroys a airlock which seals quickly before leaving to explore Rapture.
LS Mama Tennenbaum, grabs skirts and pulls.
What, meine leibling......
Why did she leave you alive, she could destroy half of Rapture in one go.......
I don't know.......feel worried
LS in sing song voice I know something you don't know, he knows something you don't know.......
Who! :eek:
Fontaine over the tannoy.
Plays back recording of conversation.
Muhahaha, this is rich.......Mother goose's true colours.......
:confused: :eek:
LS Mama Tennebaum, Mama Tennebaum, I know why she left you alive......ooh look, a lily puppy.......
You don't say.......





















.

[SlitherX]

Jack: Where the heck are my feet?

[SlitherX]

Ryan: A man chooses, a slave obeys!
Jack hits him with the golf club.
Ryan: A man chooses... A slave obeys!
Jack hits him again.
Ryan: I thought it wouldn't be necessary to say for you to stop hitting me!!

[PurplePlasmid]

(When Fontaine betrays you and traps you in Ryan's apartment)
Jack: OMG NOOB!!

Big Daddy: I hate having flatulence problems in a diving suit...

Big Daddy: I wonder if I'll go to heaven...
Little Sister: I'll ask the angels.

Bouncer: I have all of this money in my suit, but I don't know what to do with it...
Little Sister: Maybe you could by me a new harvesting needle, a new model just came out.
Bouncer: Hmm... Oh, I know! I'm gonna buy a rivet gun!

Big Daddy: Look! A kitty! It's so CUUUUUUUUUTE! ♥

Big Daddy: Ow, I bumped my head.

Big Daddy: I'm hungry.

Big Daddy: I've been wanting to join a marching band.
Little Sister: What instrument do you want to play?
Big Daddy: The saxophone.

[Zvriel Chkies]

Plaster Splicer leaves Fort Frolic and goes to merchant sector.
Holds out plaster covered dress and asks
Is there a laundrette about here?
Leatherhead.
Get the door Sidney, we have visitors!
O_O'
Call out the hounds, ahhhhhhhh, die!!!!!!
The PS wins and puts dress back on before pulverising and looting corpse.
Looks at gibbot and other things.
No class.
Our killing equipment is way better than this.

Thuggish splicer.
Ooh look, a statue.
Hook rips out throat.
Plaster splicer wipes blood off shoulder and says.
Honestly , a girl cannot window shop these days without trouble.

Someone triggers Fitzpatricks trap and the bomb goes off.
They get to top again and he yells,
Meet mah kitties.......
They prepare for fight.
7 spliced up and altered kittens run in.
They crush the cats and he yells.
You killed mah kittens, and runs in.
Well it was not hard.
Drops fighting stance and says.
No I suppose not.......
.......uncomfortabley gets ready to flee.
That Jack man killled mah kittens and I just cannot get the replacments.
The Plaster Splicers won't work for me anymore.
Edging closer to the door.......
And they prefer other masks.......
Eek.......gets near door.......
Would you like to be mah kitty?
Aghhhhhhhh....... runs back to hide.
To friend.
You were right, he has really lost it since that Jack guy killed him and his force.
Rapture has got scary.......
I know. Sander Cohen wants a new apprentice........
:eek:

[venom11]

Ryan: A man chooses, a slave obeys!
Jack hits him with the golf club.
Ryan: A man chooses... A slave obeys!
Jack hits him again.
Jack: Shut up already!

[Cohen's prodigy]

"It was possible to build Rapture under the sea but it was Impossible to build it anywhere else...because how are you supposed to build an underwater city on land"-Andrew Ryan

[Fidena]

BD: UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHOOOOOOOOOO *clears throat* Ahem, hell good sirs!

[I Broke The Sun!]

Ryan: Jack, I love you.

[venom11]

Atlas: now can you find a crowbar or somethin'?
Jack finds a wrench.
Atlas: i said crowbar,not wrench! you never heard of Gordon Freeman?

[Zvriel Chkies]

The Ryan Scene.

Hits him with golf club.
A man chooses, a slave, obeys.......
Hits again.
Jack. Are you sure you don't want to die some otherway. A golf club is a bad way for the leader of Rapture to go.

Yes I suppose, hey, you broke the conditioning.......
No I just think you should die better, and turn the vitachamber on. I have some inventive ways for you to die.......
Shows options.
Errr, backs away.......
No, golf club it is.
Hits again.
Why.......
You told me to. For goodness sake you know the code why don't you stop me.
Starts ranting.
Jack hits for last time.

Fontaine looks on surprised.
Well he could have stoppd me.:cool:
And he never shut up!

Jack, Pointman (Fear) and Snake Solid (Metal Gear Solid) meet.
They get to histories.
Pointman.
Well I am a male clone of Alma and one of the few people she will not kill.
Jack.
Interesting.
Snake Solid. Hmmmmmm
Pointman -_-'
Jack -_-'
Jack. I am a genetically modified supersoldier. I was created and controlled then sent back to kill my father when needed.
Pointman. Interesting. Painful, but interesting.
Snake Hmmmmmmm
Jack and Pointman exchange glances and sigh.
Jack. What about you?
Pointman. Yeah, you have got to have a interesting story.
Snake. Well I am a clone of a super soldier named Snake. I have a clone brother named Liquid, and many enemies.
Pointman. I have a clone brother too.......
Jack. I might have clones, who knows?
Snake goes into great detail about his history and life.
After some time.
Pointman. -_-'
Jack. -_-'
Jack. So, what else is going on with your life.
Pointman. Oh I am doing well in the FEAR team. Got promoted.
Jack. Cool.
But Alma still follows me around, so long as I do not offend her I will be ok, if a little paranoid.
Jack. Heavy.
Pointman. So what guns do you prefer?
Jack. Big ones, crossbows, shotguns. Plasmids rule.
Pointman. Yeah they are cool. The bigger the better for guns I say.
Jack. Totally.
Pointman. I can freeze a room and slaughter the enemies in minutes. Slowmos great.
Jack. Awesome.
Snake still talking. Getting sentimental now.
Pointman to Snake.What guns do you like?
Snake Oh many. I like my knife though.
Pointman. Cool.
Jack. Right.
Snake goes on to describe his relationships.
Pointman. To Jack mentally. Still going on even when he has all those guns to talk about.
Jack. -_- He is like his cut scenes.
Snake continues talking.
Jack. Lets go to the winery, Theres lots of stock.
Pointman. Cool. I never get to eat in my missions.

[Invader]

Bouncer: Why the hell isn't there at least a flap for my a*s? I'm so friggin' slow because my pants are full of sh*t!

[Lamb_meat]

Atlas: Hold on, your genetic code is being rearranged.
Jack:ughhh argh... *bump*
Jack wakes up.
Atlas: Congrats, you're an asian female now.

[Invader]

*Phone Ringing* Jack: Hello? How did you reach this payphone? Can you get to the coast guard? Prankster: *Farts* Jack: ... :mad:

[Giratina/Big_Sister_]

A new band is in rapture!

Splice girls
with there new hit. Splice up your life:p

[The Dukenator]

A new band is in rapture!

Splice girls
with there new hit. Splice up your life:p
hahaha

band names:
Old Splicers On The Block
The Electrobolts
Guns N' Plasmids
The Splicers
Big Fat Daddies
B*tchy Little Sisters
Splicers In Chains

song titles:
Welcome to Rapture
Roll Over Big Daddy
Hotel Rapture
Livin' In Rapture
Rapture Democracy
One Vodka, One Merlot, One Beer

I can't think of any more, but you can come up with some.

[Giratina/Big_Sister_]

hahaha

band names:
Old Splicers On The Block
The Electrobolts
Guns N' Plasmids
The Splicers
Big Fat Daddies
B*tchy Little Sisters
Splicers In Chains

song titles:
Welcome to Rapture
Roll Over Big Daddy
Hotel Rapture
Livin' In Rapture
Rapture Democracy
One Vodka, One Merlot, One Beer

I can't think of any more, but you can come up with some.

i got some songs:

Rapture paridise.
This is rapture
Let the splicers hit the floor
Rapture made you
The splicers cry
Crack the plasmids.

Bands.

Notourious B.I.G.D.A.D.D.Y
Fall out splicers
Little sister gang

Not my best but okay.

[Invader]

Atlas: Hey, Jack, just out of curiousity... where have you been going? Jack: Going? Atlas: Y'know... #2? Jack: Uhhh.... *fart* I've been holding it in, actually!

[god_smaka]

Atlas:"Would you kindly head over to Ryan's office and kill the sonofab!tch..."
Jack: "No"
:p

I know its not funny but I havent seen anyone post this yet!

[The Dukenator]

Andrew Ryan: blah, blah, blah...
Jack: *coughs* Bullsh*t

[Cohen's prodigy]

new rapper in Rapture

Splicecube

[Justin Case]

Sander Cohen: I want to take the ears off!

Mike Tyson: Here, let me get 'em for ya

[Seasick]

Atlas *Arcadia*: Come on Rapture Snakes! This Botanist B*tch Ain't Worth our Time!


*Fallout 3 Fans will get that one*

-----------
TO CATCH A PREDATOR: UNDERWATER EDITION!!!!!

Suchong: Excuse me, LittleSister?

Chris: Hi, I am Chris Hansen. We at Dateline NBC are doing a show About Older men interracting with young children.


*2 Large Spliced guys break down the walls*

Suchong: Turn him into a big daddy!

*Chris while being dragged away*: NoOoOoOoO!!!!!

----------
BIOSHOCK MEETS FALLOUT 3:

Splicer: Hey Jack! I will shoot you with my machine gun now!

Jack: Would you Say that to my.......FAT MAN?!?

Splicer: ...........

*Jack reaches into his pants*

Jack: Where'd I put that darn Thing?

*Splicer bursts out laughing*

Jack: Here it is!

Splicer: Wuh-Oh......

*Rapture all blows up*


----------

Little Sister: I NEED AN ADULT THAT ISN'T SPLICED, OLD, OR THAT HAS FREAKING LIGHTING SHOOTING FROM HIS HANDS!!!!


----------
WHY BIG DADDYS & SPLICERS AREN'T FRIENDS

Splicer: I had a Stressful day, Mr. Rosie.

Rosie: let me give you a hug!

*Rosie realizes there is a live proximity mine in his hand*

Rosie: WAIT! NO!!!!!

*BOOM*

[Spliced_squirrel]

Bd:Mmm look at that foxy Big mommy, I wouldn't mind havin a lil sister with her:eek:

lil sis: :( Mr. Bubbles are you saying you dont love me?

Bd: :mad: Its all about you, you, you. Protect me, get me a blanket, i wanna sandwitch! Why dont you fetch me a beer once in a while you little runt!

lil sis::confused: Huh what, I wasn't paying attention. I'm hungary, i'm thirsty, I have to go to the bathroom again.

(escuse the refrence to RvB):D

[The Dukenator]

Atlas: Nice shooting Jack, but there aren't that many splicers around.
If you wanted to kill a sh*tload of splicers, go play Left 4 Dead.