250 things Bioshock characters would never say

[Dr J. Steinman]

Atlas.,I think you should put some of the best jokes from this thread on the first page.(Does anyone agree with me?)

Hmm. It's an idea - means less meandering through all of the pages to find them. But you would have to choose which ones.

[esipode]

Good point.Maybe Atlas could choose a few people he trusts to choose which ones are the best of the best.

[Hector Rodriguez]

Jack: "They told me, 'Son, you're special. You were born to do great things.' You know what? They were r-OH MY GOD!!!! WE'RE GONNA CRASH!!!!!!!"

Andrew Ryan: "Atlas! You can kill me, but you will never have my Benny Goodman collection!"

Andrew Ryan: "I am Andrew Ryan, and I'm here to ask you a question... Would you like to make 100, 1,000, even $1,500 in your spare time? It's so easy you can do it from the comfort of your own living room!"

Atlas: "Would'ya kindly go and fetch me a roll of toilet paper? And would'ya kindly HURRY?!?!"

Andrew Ryan: A man chooses, a wife overrules, a slave obeys."

Looks like we have a new comedian out there.:D Loved that Andrew Ryan telemarketer one. Great stuff.

[BioShock Freak]

Jack: "They told me, 'Son, you're special. You were born to do great things.' You know what? They were r-OH MY GOD!!!! WE'RE GONNA CRASH!!!!!!!"

Andrew Ryan: "Atlas! You can kill me, but you will never have my Benny Goodman collection!"

Andrew Ryan: "I am Andrew Ryan, and I'm here to ask you a question... Would you like to make 100, 1,000, even $1,500 in your spare time? It's so easy you can do it from the comfort of your own living room!"

Atlas: "Would'ya kindly go and fetch me a roll of toilet paper? And would'ya kindly HURRY?!?!"

Andrew Ryan: A man chooses, a wife overrules, a slave obeys."

OMG!!!!!!!!!! I LOOOOOOOVE THESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Had me dying!!! :D
They're GREAT!!! :D I also loved the telemarketer one the most!
~Mari.

[Jodalmighty]

Diane McClintock: I had to buy yet another of these &*%$ tape recorders today. Honestly I must have purchased a hundred of these things by now but I always lose them.

[Spliced Big Daddy]

LS: Come on mr.b no time to waste

Rosie:I am a woman you moron!!!

[Atlas-Puppet]

Andrew Ryan: A man chooses the food, a Women cooks it.

Atlas: This would never had happened if you had just left the corn dog alone! :mad:

:D :D :D

[Atlas the Fisherman]

Andrew Ryan: "Atlas! You can kill me, but you will never have my Benny Goodman collection!"

hahahahahahah this one made my night :D

[LeCount]

Cohen: This one time at band camp.....

Suchong: Uhh..I'll never drink that much again. Hey, where's my dog?

[Mr. Noob]

Ryan: Do you think Rapture is in a state Disrepair? Panic? I sent in a request for Nanny 911, but never got a reply.

Atlas: Would you kindly go get me a double cheeseburger.
Jack: What, are you crazy? Im in an underwater city here.
Atlas: Sorry, my mistake. A Double Cheseburger with cheese.
Jack: Oh, ok.

[Poormon79]

Lonely Splicer: Im lonely...im just lonely!
Jack: God get over it f*c*in emo-Splicer (then shotgun blast)

Religious Splicer: Jesus loves me this i know...for the bible it tells me soo..
Jack: This is rapture bi*ch, there is no Jesus!

[Dr. Wallace Breen]

Andrew Ryan: Oh my god Jasmine it's wonderful! I always wanted a copy of the Communist Manifesto. That is so thoughtful.

[FireStaff93]

Clown Vending Machine: No change buddy? You tight son of a b!*@h!


Fontaine: Tell Andrew Ryan that Fontaine Sent you... Would you kindly forget that I’m Fontaine?


Woman Splicer: I’m pretty!
Jack: You can say that as much as you want toots, it don’t mean that it’s true


Fishmonger 1: Hey, look what I caught!
Fishmonger 2: Wow, that’s big; all I can catch in these waters were these old diving suits, any idea what they are?
Fishmonger 1: Some sorta Daddy, like a Big Daddy, take off its helmet
Fishmonger 2: O.K, here goes nothing. (Helmet is taken off, revealing Osama Bin Laden)
Fishmonger 1: Oh, so that’s where he got to!


Splicer: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Jack: Hey, what’s your problem!
Splicer: Sorry dude, I thought you were a Little Sister
Jack: Na, Na, it’s alright, I used to get a bit mad over Adam as well, I was harvesting five sisters a day, until I went to see Tenenbaum, changed my life.


Tim Westwood: Hey my name’s westwood innit, and this show is slick, Welcome to Pimp...My... Under-warta City. We got my homie Andrew Ryan here, so Ands, waht do ya want us to do?
Andrew Ryan: Well, the city has just been built, and I wanted to attract the scientist “Gangstas & H@e’s”, so I need you to Pimp My Underwater City.
Tim Westwood: You heard it from my main man Ry’s mouth, we need to Pimp...His...City. Let’s start turning this Dyztopia, to a Yutopia. Ite. I was finkin of patrolling guards in old divin suits, we is talkin Retro, ya get me? We is talkin Big Daddiz. Neon LightZ shinin out of their helmetz, word? You digg?
Andrew Ryan: Yes...Me..Homie?
Tim Westwood: Me man has Spoken.


Gay Atlas: Would you kindly bend over?


Andrew Ryan: A man chooses, A slave obeys...and a woman cooks


Andrew Ryan: A man chooses, A slave obeys...and a prosi does whatever you want for £50


Al Pacino prepares for the Bioshock film;
Al: Right, I don’t gotta think like Fontaine, I gotta be Fontaine. You talkin to me Jack, Coz I don’t see anyone else around. Don’t F@$% around with me Ryan! Say hello to my little sister (and her big daddy)!


Cohen: You don’t like my work!, No one likes my work!..., actually, neither do I, it’s this modern art thing, scribble on a piece of paper, and you could call it art.
.................................................. ...............A month later............................................. ..............................
Art Fanatic 1: Yes, I can really see where Cohen’s going with this piece, the statue seems like it has a life of its own.
Art Fanatic 2: And the rabbit ears make the set tantalising.
Art Fanatic 1: Hey, I swear that just moved...John? ...John?! ...John?!!


News Announcer: Little Sisters are currently being harvested more than ever, and Adam prices are Sky-high. Raptures government has began considering alternative power sources, but no ideas are currently in development.
Splicer: We’re surrounded by water! Use that you dumb-a$$£$!!!


Dear Jimmy,
Could you fix it for me to create my own underwater city called Rapture in which there are loads of things called splicers who will attempt to mutilate you for no reason what-so-ever, and these things called big daddy’s who protect these little girls called little sisters, who can make adam with these sea slug things, and then i’d get killed with my own golf club, and theres this guy who can control people by saying “Would You Kindly”?
From Andrew Ryan, Aged 43


Clown Vending Machine: Come fill your cravings and pay £40 for the same game that you played last year!

That's all I got

[Iceliege]

Andrew Ryan: A man chooses, A slave obeys...and a woman cooks

Andrew Ryan: A man chooses, A slave obeys...and a prosi does whatever you want for £50

That's so funny, yet so wrong at the same time.

[Atlas.]

Dear Jimmy,
Could you fix it for me to create my own underwater city called Rapture in which there are loads of things called splicers who will attempt to mutilate you for no reason what-so-ever, and these things called big daddy’s who protect these little girls called little sisters, who can make adam with these sea slug things, and then i’d get killed with my own golf club, and theres this guy who can control people by saying “Would You Kindly”?
From Andrew Ryan, Aged 43

I like that one, especially the 'From Andrew Ryan, Aged 43' bit LOL

some good ones here :D

[5 Card Trick]

Fitzpatrick: "It's the circle of life, the wheel of fortu-" *bang*

Cohen: Hello little moth...I need to get some raid, or something, this bug problem is really getting out of hand.

[5 Card Trick]

Steinman: Wanna know how I got these scars?

Steinman: Lets put a smile on that face...

</batmanquote>

[5 Card Trick]

Blood Writing: "Spider Splicer is watching you masturbate."

[esipode]

Jack Floating in the water after the plane crash with the music going: "Duna...Duna...dundundundundundundun DUNA!"

[Spliced Big Daddy]

splicer tries to kill lil sister
ls: i will survive!

[Dr. Locke]

Ummmm, a splicer is walking down a dark hall in Fort Frolic, with pipe wrench in his hand, and brain bulging out of his head. He continues his confused hunt. But instead of seeming a old timey song. He starts singing a Michael Jackson song. Thats would be hilarious.

***

[Big Lou]

Sander Cohen: The Wild Bunny, by Sander Cohen. I want to take the ears off, but I can't. I hop, and when I hop, I never get off the ground. It's my curse, my eternal curse. I want to take the ears off, but I can't! It's my curse, it's my ****ing curse! I want to take the ears off! Please! Take them off! Pleeeeeeease..! Wait a minute. What's this? "To remove ears: turn lever counter-clockwise, whilst simultaneously pressing the red button, then in a swift upward motion, gently lift the ear away. Repeat sequence for the left side." ...Oh for the love of... nevermind.

[Asherah]

Ummmm, a splicer is walking down a dark hall in Fort Frolic, with pipe wrench in his hand, and brain bulging out of his head. He continues his confused hunt. But instead of seeming a old timey song. He starts singing a Michael Jackson song. Thats would be hilarious.

***

I can see it now the splicer starts singing Thriller. "Thriller!!! Thriller Night!!!"

[Atlas.]

Sander Cohen: The Wild Bunny, by Sander Cohen. I want to take the ears off, but I can't. I hop, and when I hop, I never get off the ground. It's my curse, my eternal curse. I want to take the ears off, but I can't! It's my curse, it's my ****ing curse! I want to take the ears off! Please! Take them off! Pleeeeeeease..! Wait a minute. What's this? "To remove ears: turn lever counter-clockwise, whilst simultaneously pressing the red button, then in a swift upward motion, gently lift the ear away. Repeat sequence for the left side." ...Oh for the love of... nevermind.
lol thats a good one

I need to try and think up some more..

[BioShock Freak]

Sander Cohen: The Wild Bunny, by Sander Cohen. I want to take the ears off, but I can't. I hop, and when I hop, I never get off the ground. It's my curse, my eternal curse. I want to take the ears off, but I can't! It's my curse, it's my ****ing curse! I want to take the ears off! Please! Take them off! Pleeeeeeease..! Wait a minute. What's this? "To remove ears: turn lever counter-clockwise, whilst simultaneously pressing the red button, then in a swift upward motion, gently lift the ear away. Repeat sequence for the left side." ...Oh for the love of... nevermind.

HAHA! Good one! This is sig-worthy. Lol. :D
~Mari.

[Spliced Big Daddy]

jack tries to lure splicer into water to electrocute
Jack: come dance in the river! ( its a song)

[Atlas the Fisherman]

jack tries to lure splicer into water to electrocute
Jack: come dance in the river! ( its a song)

hahah, that made me think what if...

Jack shocks a splicers in the water with an electrobolt.
Dan Forden appears-"TOASTY!"

[Frank Fountaine]

LS: I can see angels dancing in the sky!
BD: Did you forget to take your meds today?

LS: Big Daddy? Are there Big Mommies?
BD: Well how do you think we had you?

If Little Sisters had a Your daddy is so fat fight:

LS 1: Yo Big Daddy is so fat that he can't even look up to see a proximity mine!

LS Crowd: OWWWWWWWW!!!!.....

LS 2: Well Yo Big Daddy is so fat that when he eats a cream filled puff he goes "GAhHHHHH, gAGGG, GAGGGGGAHHAHAHAGAH....

LS Crowd: Ooooooohhhhhhhh....

LS 1: Well Yo Big Daddy is so fat that when a Splicer goes up to him all he does is push them off!!!!

LS Crowd: BOOOOOOOOooooooooo!!!

LS 2: Yo Big Daddy is so fat that even Dr. Stienmen was left speach-less

LS Crowd: OWWWWWWWWW! Burnnnn! !!!!!

LS 1: Well yo big daddy is so fat that they tried making a figurine out of him, and it broke!

LS Crowd: BooooooooooOooo!!

Okay, okay. Give props sistas. Okay my crew will meet up and give our decision...

Sander Cohen: LS 1 seemed like a very good moth, but didn't have that consistentcey

Andrew Ryan: I agree...Jack my son, what do you think?

Jack:............................................. .........

Sander Cohen: Well that preatty much sums it up!

Andrew Ryan: LS 1: You had good motion but just didn't have that "consistentcey". LS 2: You mentioned Dr. Stienman and so that's just EPIC fail. So you lose.....

[Spliced Big Daddy]

LS: I can see angels dancing in the sky!
BD: Did you forget to take your meds today?

LS: Big Daddy? Are there Big Mommies?
BD: Well how do you think we had you?

If Little Sisters had a Your daddy is so fat fight:

LS 1: Yo Big Daddy is so fat that he can't even look up to see a proximity mine!

LS Crowd: OWWWWWWWW!!!!.....

LS 2: Well Yo Big Daddy is so fat that when he eats a cream filled puff he goes "GAhHHHHH, gAGGG, GAGGGGGAHHAHAHAGAH....

LS Crowd: Ooooooohhhhhhhh....

LS 1: Well Yo Big Daddy is so fat that when a Splicer goes up to him all he does is push them off!!!!

LS Crowd: BOOOOOOOOooooooooo!!!

LS 2: Yo Big Daddy is so fat that even Dr. Stienmen was left speach-less

LS Crowd: OWWWWWWWWW! Burnnnn! !!!!!

LS 1: Well yo big daddy is so fat that they tried making a figurine out of him, and it broke!

LS Crowd: BooooooooooOooo!!

Okay, okay. Give props sistas. Okay my crew will meet up and give our decision...

Sander Cohen: LS 1 seemed like a very good moth, but didn't have that consistentcey

Andrew Ryan: I agree...Jack my son, what do you think?

Jack:............................................. .........

Sander Cohen: Well that preatty much sums it up!

Andrew Ryan: LS 1: You had good motion but just didn't have that "consistentcey". LS 2: You mentioned Dr. Stienman and so that's just EPIC fail. So you lose.....
lol that made mt laugh the whole way through

[Puddle]

Seemingly Dead Splicers:Suprise!
Jack:OMG!
Splicers:We got you a gift! Open It!

Little Sister (to Dead Splicer):Please Sir, May I have some more?

Little Sister:Mommy, I'm hungry.
Tenenbaum:I just fed you an hour ago you little pig, gosh, can't you see I'm trying to decode this man's brain?
Little Sister 1:Watch out girls, mommy's angry cause Mr. Ryan forgot to call again.
Little Sister 2:True dat!:mad:

[Spliced Big Daddy]

ls1: i see angels dancing in the sky!
ls2:oh sweetness where?
ls1:up there!
ls2: dang where that sista get her moves!

[Puddle]

Did anyne get my refernce on the second one, anyways here are two songs, made by Rapture citizens, for Rapture citizens.

Little Sisters
Somewhere... in a body,
Somewhere, in his arteries,
My ADAM flows through his heart,
and seeps out gradually,
waiting for me.

It's a little young but...
Splicers
Lets gather round the splicers and sing our Splicers Song!
Our S P L I C E R S S O N G Song!
And if you don't think that we can't splice faster then you're wrong, but it'll help if, you just splice, along.

[Asherah]

You were referencing Oliver Twist right?

[Spliced Big Daddy]

You were referencing Oliver Twist right?
the second part was spongebob

[Asherah]

Oh, I thought he was refering to his previous post. :o

[Big Daddy Bouncer]

Bouncer: I was wondering- am i spider because of my 8 eye holes????

Andrew Ryan: A man chooses, a- what was my line again???

Jack: Wow the new incinerate plasmid i cant wait to use it! *select incinerate plasmid* AHAAaHHH my hand its on fire put it out put it out!!!

Jack: Winter Blast I hope this one is better that the incinerate plasmid *selects winter blast* wow i cant feel a thing, freeze sucka! *male splicer freezes and jacks arm breaks off*

Jack: Cool, Insect Swarm *selects insect swarm* AAAAHHHHHH get em off me get em off me!

Jack: Man **** these plasmids every time i use one they turn out going horribly wrong *runs away crying like baby girl*

Sander Cohen: O-M-G so i was like on the phone with M.J. and u will never guess what he said about me!!!!

[Big Daddy Bouncer]

LS: I can see angels dancing in the sky!
BD: Did you forget to take your meds today?

LS: Big Daddy? Are there Big Mommies?
BD: Well how do you think we had you?

If Little Sisters had a Your daddy is so fat fight:

LS 1: Yo Big Daddy is so fat that he can't even look up to see a proximity mine!

LS Crowd: OWWWWWWWW!!!!.....

LS 2: Well Yo Big Daddy is so fat that when he eats a cream filled puff he goes "GAhHHHHH, gAGGG, GAGGGGGAHHAHAHAGAH....

LS Crowd: Ooooooohhhhhhhh....

LS 1: Well Yo Big Daddy is so fat that when a Splicer goes up to him all he does is push them off!!!!

LS Crowd: BOOOOOOOOooooooooo!!!

LS 2: Yo Big Daddy is so fat that even Dr. Stienmen was left speach-less

LS Crowd: OWWWWWWWWW! Burnnnn! !!!!!

LS 1: Well yo big daddy is so fat that they tried making a figurine out of him, and it broke!

LS Crowd: BooooooooooOooo!!

Okay, okay. Give props sistas. Okay my crew will meet up and give our decision...

Sander Cohen: LS 1 seemed like a very good moth, but didn't have that consistentcey

Andrew Ryan: I agree...Jack my son, what do you think?

Jack:............................................. .........

Sander Cohen: Well that preatty much sums it up!

Andrew Ryan: LS 1: You had good motion but just didn't have that "consistentcey". LS 2: You mentioned Dr. Stienman and so that's just EPIC fail. So you lose.....

LMAO nice ones bro!!

[Puddle]

Oh, I thought he was refering to his previous post. :o
Yeah, I was referencing Oliver Twist in my previous (I put the note at the top of the post to clarify.)

[Spliced Big Daddy]

oh, i thought the splicer song was making fun of the campfire song from spongebob

[Puddle]

oh, i thought the splicer song was making fun of the campfire song from spongebob
That one was, maybe I made some confusion, when I asked if anyone had caught the reference on my last one, I was speaking of the Oliver Twist reference.
Actually I had thought of an extended version for that, so it would continue:
S P L I C E R S S O N G SONG!
Big Daddy:S! P L I C! E R S S! O! N! G! Soong!
Jack:...
Splicer:Good!
But It'll help, It'll help,
If you just splice alooooooong!:confused:

[coffee009]

...Da the do da day!

[Spliced Big Daddy]

ls is harvesting
bg:go sista go sista!

[Big Daddy Bouncer]

Heres another i made fun of :D

Male Splicer: M.J. loves me this i no, cuase he played with my butt-hole XD

[Spliced Big Daddy]

who mj? and ewwwwww

[Puddle]

who mj? and ewwwwww
I think he meant Michael Jackson , and yeah, it's creepy.

[Spliced Big Daddy]

oh deedeedee :) i should have known

[Spliced Big Daddy]

i just realized how spammish my posts are >_<

[Endiku]

Andrew Ryan: What? Yes, ofc, I did all this to boost my ego, enslave the population and conquer the world.

[Hector_Spector]

1)

Frank Fontaine: What do I think of Ryan? To be honest, I think he's a nice guy and between you and me I might just shove him off that rusty perch of his and run Rapture myself one day!

Reporter:...Wow, is that a confession?

Frank Fontaine: No, it's a concession, Ryan has already agreed to hand me over the Genetic Key

Reporter:...Ha, yeah right, what makes you think he'll hand it over to you, he'll become a monk before that happens (laughs)

Frank Fontaine: Too late

Reporter:..............................

DUN DUN DA!!!

2)

Reporter: I am here with renowned cosmetic surgeon Dr Steinman, who has performed many successful facial reconstructions, and I'm considering have one done myself, so doc convince me!

Dr J.S Steinman: Hold on...(closes eyes)...The Goddess speaks to me, "Steinman, This prat of a reporter is underestimating your talent my dear. If he wishes to be convinced then make sure you make a pig's ear of his face!" Hmm...tell me, have you ever considered having mammal body parts attached to your face?

Reporter:....Ummm, excuse me?

Dr J.S Steinman: It's just The Goddess demands me to make pig's ear of your face, so would you mind if I cut your ears off and replace them with pig's ears, I may even have to bring in the snout to replace your morbid nose and then maybe I can begin attaching fur in hope that I can create the first pig-faced human!

Reporter:........................

Dr J.S Steinman: No need to attach a mouth though, you eat from a trough already

Reporter: No, that's my wife.

3)

Reporter: So Atlas, since your the new voice round here what do you make of the current situation, what with Rapture's civil war on the horizon.

Atlas: Hey, you can call me Frank by the way, I like that name you know why I like that name?

Reporter: Because your Frank Fontaine?

Atlas: Yes, now would you kindly tell everyone else, even Ryan so that he can come and kill me! Don't disobey because YOU CAN'T!

(Reporter runs off)

[Amandatini]

1)

Frank Fontaine: What do I think of Ryan? To be honest, I think he's a nice guy and between you and me I might just shove him off that rusty perch of his and run Rapture myself one day!

Reporter:...Wow, is that a confession?

Frank Fontaine: No, it's a concession, Ryan has already agreed to hand me over the Genetic Key

Reporter:...Ha, yeah right, what makes you think he'll hand it over to you, he'll become a monk before that happens (laughs)

Frank Fontaine: Too late

Reporter:..............................

DUN DUN DA!!!

2)

Reporter: I am here with renowned cosmetic surgeon Dr Steinman, who has performed many successful facial reconstructions, and I'm considering have one done myself, so doc convince me!

Dr J.S Steinman: Hold on...(closes eyes)...The Goddess speaks to me, "Steinman, This prat of a reporter is underestimating your talent my dear. If he wishes to be convinced then make sure you make a pig's ear of his face!" Hmm...tell me, have you ever considered having mammal body parts attached to your face?

Reporter:....Ummm, excuse me?

Dr J.S Steinman: It's just The Goddess demands me to make pig's ear of your face, so would you mind if I cut your ears off and replace them with pig's ears, I may even have to bring in the snout to replace your morbid nose and then maybe I can begin attaching fur in hope that I can create the first pig-faced human!

Reporter:........................

Dr J.S Steinman: No need to attach a mouth though, you eat from a trough already

Reporter: No, that's my wife.

3)

Reporter: So Atlas, since your the new voice round here what do you make of the current situation, what with Rapture's civil war on the horizon.

Atlas: Hey, you can call me Frank by the way, I like that name you know why I like that name?

Reporter: Because your Frank Fontaine?

Atlas: Yes, now would you kindly tell everyone else, even Ryan so that he can come and kill me! Don't disobey because YOU CAN'T!

(Reporter runs off)

You... win...
at life.

[Moth]

I'm actually quite surprised no one's said this one yet, but...

Ryan: No, Jack. I... am your father.
Jack: *dramatic camera shot from above as Jack throws his fists to the sky* Nnnooooooooooo!!!


It's actually pretty amazing (or a testament to my geekdom) how many parallels I can find between Bioshock and Star Wars. In fact...

Fontaine: Any attack would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data the terra dwellers have obtained. This city is now the ultimate power in the world. I suggest we use it.
Ryan: Don't be too proud of this sub-aquatic utopia I've constructed. The ability to hold sway over a populace is insignificant, next to the power of ADAM.
Fontaine: Don't try to frighten us with your alchemical ways, Ryan. Your sad devotion to that genetic research hasn't helped us stop this place from leaking, or given you clairvoyence enough to find the- *gurk!*
Ryan: *using telekinesis plasmid to choke Fontaine* ...I find your lack of objectivism disturbing...


Okay, so it isn't perfect, but... yeah...

[BioShokk]

"Fancy going fishing?"



:confused:

[Amandatini]

I'm actually quite surprised no one's said this one yet, but...

Ryan: No, Jack. I... am your father.
Jack: *dramatic camera shot from above as Jack throws his fists to the sky* Nnnooooooooooo!!!


It's actually pretty amazing (or a testament to my geekdom) how many parallels I can find between Bioshock and Star Wars. In fact...

Fontaine: Any attack would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data the terra dwellers have obtained. This city is now the ultimate power in the world. I suggest we use it.
Ryan: Don't be too proud of this sub-aquatic utopia I've constructed. The ability to hold sway over a populace is insignificant, next to the power of ADAM.
Fontaine: Don't try to frighten us with your alchemical ways, Ryan. Your sad devotion to that genetic research hasn't helped us stop this place from leaking, or given you clairvoyence enough to find the- *gurk!*
Ryan: *using telekinesis plasmid to choke Fontaine* ...I find your lack of objectivism disturbing...


Okay, so it isn't perfect, but... yeah...

Oh my God, that's beautiful :D

[Endiku]

Ah! I who just logged in to post that "I am your father joke", you theif! :-)

[Cyber999]

1)
Big Daddy: I can do lots of things with this drill *wink wink*
(And that's why everyone stayed away from him, even the Little Sisters, who didn't even come out of their vents)

2)
Little Sister: (says one of her rambling confusing dialogues, something about lily pops and ham and jammies)
Big Daddy: I got two questions: what drugs are you on, and where can I get some of that?!

3)
(if Steinman was creating Cohen's Masterpiece)
Sander Cohen: Now...take a photo and put the picture in the frame
Dr. Steinman: Wait just a moment...his face is a little too symmetrical...
Sander Cohen: TAKE THE DAMN PHOTO!!!
Dr. Steinman: *produces scalpel* I'll only be a minute...

4)
Sander Cohen: Ladies and gentlemen, the Rapture philharmonic, featuring the Big Daddies of Rapture!!!
*Cohen starts conducting as the Big Daddies struggle to play their instruments in their unwieldy suits*
Sander Cohen: I'm sorry, but these performers just won't do...
*pushes a button and the entire stage explodes, only leaving himself*

[Gh3ngis Kh4n]

oh my... hahha... yeh hahha.. many good ones, shoulda put some of them in the game to make some ironic jokes haha...

[Asherah]

Atlas: "I know you must feel like the unluckiest man in the world right now bu-"

Jack: "D**n right about that. Here I am sitting on a plane minding my own business and WHAM next thing I know I'm in the middle of the freaking ocean and than I end up in some underwater city filled with loonies, a guy gets gutted right in front of me-"

Atlas: "Could you be quiet for a moment."

Jack: "-and for some ungodly reason I decide to stick a needle in my arm and end up shooting lightening out of my hand-"

Atlas: "Be quiet!"

Jack:"-there are giant diving suits walking around with 8 eyes, and creepy little girls with freaking huge needles and-"

Atlas: "WOULD YOU KINDLY SHUT UP!!!!"

Jack:"............................:("

And that's why Jack never says anything. :)

[Puddle]

I put this in a You know you play too much Bioshock when... thread, but I feel It must be put here.

Andrew Ryan:"No Gods, No Kings, Only Fish."

[BioShock Freak]

Atlas: "I know you must feel like the unluckiest man in the world right now bu-"

Jack: "D**n right about that. Here I am sitting on a plane minding my own business and WHAM next thing I know I'm in the middle of the freaking ocean and than I end up in some underwater city filled with loonies, a guy gets gutted right in front of me-"

Atlas: "Could you be quiet for a moment."

Jack: "-and for some ungodly reason I decide to stick a needle in my arm and end up shooting lightening out of my hand-"

Atlas: "Be quiet!"

Jack:"-there are giant diving suits walking around with 8 eyes, and creepy little girls with freaking huge needles and-"

Atlas: "WOULD YOU KINDLY SHUT UP!!!!"

Jack:"............................:("

And that's why Jack never says anything. :)

HAHA! That was awesome! :D
~Mari.

[Puddle]

OMG! I can't believe no one has said this.

Big Daddy:"Say hello to my lil' friend!"

[janissary12]

It's actually pretty amazing (or a testament to my geekdom) how many parallels I can find between Bioshock and Star Wars. In fact...

Ryan: Don't be too proud of this sub-aquatic utopia I've constructed. The ability to hold sway over a populace is insignificant, next to the power of ADAM.



LOL, pretty good, but I think on the above the roles should be reversed, since Fontaine was the one who cornerd the market on plasmids.

[esipode]

Reporter:"Well Mr. Ryan; Now that you've won the lottery, what do you plan on doing?"

Andrew Ryan: "I'm going to build an underwater utopia!"

Reporter:"Um, what?"

Andrew Ryan:"I mean... I'm going to Disneyland!"

[Asherah]

Frank Fontaine: "Now that I think about it, adam isn't really all its cracked up to be."

[Slayer_2]

Announcer person: "A Rapture reminder: Respect your fellow citizens, always help someone in need." :D

[jonesjulia]

Female splicer: But you said you were gonna take care of me! What happened?!
Jack: Baby, you got real ugly.


or

Female splicer: But you said you were gonna take care of me! What happened?!
Jack: That's just what we call pillow talk, baby.

<Shamelessly adapted>

[Puddle]

Jim: What's the matter, Big Daddy? You look like you could use a boost!

Bouncer: Warg! WAARG WERG! WAAAAARG! Werg Wag Whooo Warg!

Jim: That's just the Big Daddy Blues, Big Daddy. You just need to slow down a bit on the Splicer butchering. Before you know it, you'll be as right as rain. Remember, you signed up for this, so don't whine to me like a little baby! A good listening Big Daddy makes a happy Big Daddy, you little brat.

Bouncer:WARG?!

Jim:What are you doing Big Dad-

<vroom>

Jim:AAH! OH GOD! AAH! OH MY GO-

<swish>

Little Sister:Remember, a smart Splicer is a happy Splicer. Now don't be a slowpoke Mr. Bubbles, angels don't wait for slowpokes.

[BioShock Freak]

Jim: What's the matter, Big Daddy? You look like you could use a boost!

Bouncer: Warg! WAARG WERG! WAAAAARG! Werg Wag Whooo Warg!

Jim: That's just the Big Daddy Blues, Big Daddy. You just need to slow down a bit on the Splicer butchering. Before you know it, you'll be as right as rain. Remember, you signed up for this, so don't whine to me like a little baby! A good listening Big Daddy makes a happy Big Daddy, you little brat.

Bouncer:WARG?!

Jim:What are you doing Big Dad-

<vroom>

Jim:AAH! OH GOD! AAH! OH MY GO-

<swish>

Little Sister:Remember, a smart Splicer is a happy Splicer. Now don't be a slowpoke Mr. Bubbles, angels don't wait for slowpokes.

HAHA! This is the best one I've seen in a while. :D
Good one.
~Mari.

[Dr. Locke]

Jim: What's the matter, Big Daddy? You look like you could use a boost!

Bouncer: Warg! WAARG WERG! WAAAAARG! Werg Wag Whooo Warg!

Jim: That's just the Big Daddy Blues, Big Daddy. You just need to slow down a bit on the Splicer butchering. Before you know it, you'll be as right as rain. Remember, you signed up for this, so don't whine to me like a little baby! A good listening Big Daddy makes a happy Big Daddy, you little brat.

Bouncer:WARG?!

Jim:What are you doing Big Dad-

<vroom>

Jim:AAH! OH GOD! AAH! OH MY GO-

<swish>

Little Sister:Remember, a smart Splicer is a happy Splicer. Now don't be a slowpoke Mr. Bubbles, angels don't wait for slowpokes.

That was hilarious!:D I am still laughing!:D <--- They need smiley that is actually laughing.:(

***

[Puddle]

Jim: Hey, Mary, everything okay?
Mary: Did you hear that Andrew Ryan took control of Fontaine Futuristics? I'm hopping mad!
Jim: Slow down there, little lady.
Mary: Sorry, Jim, but I'm real upset. We came to Rapture to get away from government muscling in on private businesspeople.
Jim: Sure thing, Mary. But Fontaine is going to get even, he will disguise himself as Atlas, then with help from Tenenbaum and Suchong, take his child to be and genetically engineer him to fight through Rapture, and it's Splicers and Big Daddy's, just to get to Ryan, where Ryan will force him to send a Putter through his head!
Mary: Really? Well, that's a weight off my shoulders! Wait what?
Jim: Uhm, nothing! Remember, Mary, doubting the Council only emboldens the bandits.
Mary:What'd you say! Tell me, Now!
Jim: Ok Mary, uhm, let me just turn this off...

[Dr. Locke]

Good one!:D It has like four different plots in it!:D

***

[Puddle]

Good one!:D It has like four different plots in it!:D

***
That's It I'm just going to copy and paste spoofs of the rest right now!

[Puddle]

2. Capital Punishment
Jim: What's wrong, Mary? You look like you've just heard some TERRIBLE news.
Mary: Capital punishment! In Rapture! This isn't what I signed up for!
Jim: Now hold on there, pretty lady. The only people who face capital punishment in Rapture are smugglers. And that's because they put everything we've worked for at risk. Imagine if the Soviets found out about our wonderful city, or even the U.S. government. Our secrecy is our shield.
Mary: A little capital punishment IS a small price to pay to protect all of our freedoms.
Jim: Now you're talking, Mary! Wait, is that Mr. Sullivan outside the studio?
Mary: Yes, why?
Jim: Uh oh, Mary can you help me with those boxes?
Mary: Sure.
Jim: OK, hurry!
Mary: Wait, what's in these? Oh my, you're a smuggler! Mr.Sullivan! Mr.Sull-
<whack>
Jim: Capital Punishment is a small price to pay *****.

4. The Rapture Way of Life
Jim: Hey, Mary, going to the big game tonight? I heard Ryan's Raiders are playing.
Mary: No way, Jim! It's not safe. Haven't you heard? Atlas' bandits are everywhere.
Jim: Hold on a second there! Remember what Andrew Ryan says: if you do that, the bandits win. Take your family to Fort Frolic and Arcadia. Go out and shop. It's the Rapture way of life!
Mary: But Jim, 27 people were killed at the last game!
Jim: They were being careless, the bandits had nothing to do with it.
Mary: Isn't that woman getting mugged outside the studio.
Jim: No Mary!
Mary: I still don't want to go, my life, and that of my family, is too precious.
<click>
Jim: Go to the ****ing game, or our careers, and your life, is over.

5. Little Sister Happiness
Jim: Hey, Mary, why so down in the mouth?
Mary: I don't know, Jim. I guess I just don't know how I feel about those Little Sisters.
Jim: The Little Sisters? Gee, don't you know they're the glue that holds Rapture together?
Mary: Really?
Jim: You betcha. Ryan Industries has seen to it that they're bred to be as happy as clams while they do the work that keeps us safe from the bandits and terrorists. We all need ADAM, and we all need the Little Sisters.
Little Sister: No! No No!
Mary: But that one is being killed by that weird man!
Jim: Hey what are you doing?
Jack:...
Jim:See Mary, nothing's going on. Now, Would you kindly get out of the studio sir?
Mary:Wow, good listener.

6. Rapture Security
Jim: Hey, Mary, what's with the sourpuss?
Mary: Have you heard what's going on down in Apollo Square? I hear they're putting people in cages!
Jim: Aw ****!
Mary: People say there have been executions. Hey Jim, what's wrong?
Jim: Damn all this **** to hell, I got to to get the **** out of here!
Mary: Jim, wait don't forget your line.
Jim: Uhm oh yeah, People say LOTS of irresponsible things. Uhm, That doesn't mean you have to embolden the master- I mean Atlas and our troops- I mean his bandits by repeating them. Remember, Mary: Rapture Security is OUR security.
Mary:Are you aligned with Atlas, remember, Atlas is a firend of the parasite, don't be a friend of Atlas.
Jim:You know too much! It's not safe!
Mary:Jim what are you- AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Jim:The secret is out! Move boys, move Move MOVE!


There we go, I've done them all.

[Asherah]

OMG, these are the funniest ones I've ever seen. I love these!

[Puddle]

Don't tell me I have to redo Audio Diaries too!
Puddle:Aw man... I don't want to grow ice over my heart, even though I don't like the cold. The Audio Diaries better not Cometh, the Audio Diaries will not ****ing cometh.
Cohen:LAME!

[Asherah]

Now that you suggested it you have to do it. ;)

[Puddle]

I'm doing Julie Langford 1st.
Arcadia Closed
Today Arcadia was closed off to all but paying suckers. The man hires me to build a forest at the bottom of the ocean, and then turns a walk in the woods into a luxury. Ryan asked 'Should a farmer not be able to sell his food?' 'Is a potter not entitled to a profit from his pots?' I started to argue with the man and then I remembered who signed my checks. Only thing worse than a hypocrite with an recycled Splicer skin, by the way, why the **** would you do that to me 2K? You made my Audio Diary picture look sexy, then you give me the sex appeal of a rhino. Ah, as I was saying, the only thing worse than a hypocrite is an unemployed one.

The Saturnine
They dress up in leaves and call themselves the Saturnine. Please. They drink my thousands of ex-boyfriend's blood, and chant- 'Harness the flame, Harness the mist!' and believe they are touched by the ancient gods. Hah. An aging bunch of frat boys, tilting back goblets of plasmids and calling it ambrosia.

Early Tests Promising
Yes yes yes, I KNOW about the lockdown. It's absurd. Just give me a minute! The early 5-Alarm Chili Tests are very promising. If the sewer pipes clog, then by God I'll know we're in business...
Man in background: 'Hurry! The lockdown!!'
Hm? Oh all right! I'm leaving! But somebody has to find a way to come back to check on these samples. They're very spicy.

What Won't They Steal
Isn't there anything in this damn place those pagans won't steal? Paper towels, my, uhm research security cam footage, my dating advice videos, my daily inspirational calendar, even my old pairs of panties. They're feathering their disgusting little shrines with it, I suppose. Sick bastards.

Teaching an Old Hound
Who says you can't teach an old hound new tricks? This ugly plant woman spends four years coming up with ways to get a husband in the Pacific to prove to the Japs she's straight and now here I am down at the bottom of the Atlantic trying to figure out how to do the same thing in reverse. Jenny, Christy, Sam... Some bathtub gin, plus the whiskey shot, four times til' Midnight with the blues. Let's go see what it can do.

Sober Formula
What's the point of being a damn genius if the only ones around to appreciate it are a bunch of spliced up morons? I'm finally sober, or at least I'm 99% certain I am. I just need a drunkard to confirm my analysis. Distilled water, a bit of chlorophyll, and enzymes extracted from Apis Mellifera. That's right, sweethearts: honeybee spit.

Lazarus Nectar
I've been dating guys the size of trees for twenty-five years. At Berkeley, back in the 20's. On the Japs at Iwo Jima. But I never brought one back from the bar before. I did, Becky. Momma's getting a second date for the first time. I'm gonna call my little Honeybear 'The Lazarus Nectar.' Maybe it'll bring the old gal's social life back from the dead as well...

Arcadia and Oxygen
Now I'm a woman of science, but I'm also a woman who's not had a month long boyfriend in 20 years. Ryan said if I could boost profits in Arcadia, he'd hook me up with a blind priest! So I get to thinking, we're paying for dating advice when we've got blind men! Hell, we can even sell the extra to the rest of the city and undercut the other guys. The girls will like that for sure- Fontaine's people have moved into the Dating Service biz tooth and claw.

Not my best work, but not bad.:)

[Asherah]

Lol, poor Langford. Must be rough being a recycled splicer skin. :D

[Puddle]

I'm going to take a break and do Advertisements.

1. FreshHair
Jim: What's the matter, Frank?
Frank: It's this thinning hair, Jim. Every day there's less and less!
Jim: You know, the problem's not in your hair, it's in your genes.
Frank: Hey, I don't go in for all that splicing stuff. My buddy says it's not safe.
Jim: It isn't? Then you're ****ed.
2. SportBoost
Hey there, fellas. You know that 9 out of 10 ladies prefer the athletic man? Why stay on the sidelines if the new SportBoost line of plasmids can turn you into the jock you've always wanted to be? Because you're too cheap for them, that's why, wimp.
3. Surgical Savings
Wallet a little light? At Surgical Savings we'll happily work out an affordable payment plan for any major procedure. Your hideously grotesque body won't wait to blind people until after payday. Should You?
4. Why Even Ask?
Can anyone ever make you feel like Sander Cohen can? Rapture's most beloved musical artist returns with "Why Even Ask?", his greatest album yet. Songs of insanity. Songs of macabre joy. Songs of destruction. Buy "Why Even Ask?" and invite Rapture's insanity and disorder into your home today.
5. Little Sisters Orphanage
The Little Sisters Orphanage: In troubled times, give your little girl the life that she deserves. Boarding, education, deformation, and a ruined life, free of charge! After all, children ARE the future of Rapture.

[Atlas.]

those are great Puddle :D keep em coming ;)

lol @ the Langford ones and Jim and Mary ones :D

[Puddle]

Now for Steinman.
I am also posting a list of who I've done each time for reference.
Julie Langford
Dr Steinman

Adam's Changes
Ryan and Adam, Adam and Ryan... all those years of study, and was I ever truly a player before I met them? How we joked away with our charm and toy humanitarianism. Yes, we could flatter one here, and pretend to be interested in one there, but... but could we really go far with anything? No. But Adam gave me the means to do it. And Ryan freed me from the phony ethics that held us back. Change your look, change your hair, change your face. She's yours to cheat on, nobody else's.

Higher Standards
Adam presents new problems for the boyfriend. As your tools improve, so do your standards. There was a time, I was happy enough to take off a wart or two, or turn a real circus freak into a girlfriend I could show in the daylight. But that was then, when we took what we got, but with Adam... the flesh becomes clay. What excuse do we have not to sculpt, and sculpt, and sculpt, and sculpt, and sculpt, and sculpt, until my girlfriend is sexy?

Limits of Imagination
I am beautiful, yes. Look at me, what could I do to make my features finer? With Adam and my scalpel, I have been transformed. But is there not something better? What if now it is not my skill that fails me... but my imagination? Yes... Very... Very... Beautiful...
<creak>
Nurse: Dr. Stein- Oh god that's disgusting!
Oh, uhm give me one...
Nurse: I didn't know you were a model Mr. Steinman!
Well, uhm <zip> yeah, you know...

Surgery's Catherine
When Catherine became bored of ****ing people, she started representing them as husbands and other abstract forms. The world called her a queen! I've spent my entire surgical career dreaming of dating a girl with the the same sexy shapes, over and over again: the perfect back, white teeth, the humongous bosom. Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could do with words what that old Russian did with money?

Gentlemen
Today I had lunch with the Goddess, 'Steinman,' she said... 'I'm here to free you from the tyranny of the commonplace. I'm here to show you a new kind of beauty.' I asked her, 'What do you mean, goddess?' 'Gentlemen's Clubs, dear Steinman. It's time we did something in Gentlemen's Clubs...'

Aphrodite Walking
Aphrodite is walking the halls - shimmering, like a scalpel... 'Steinman,' she calls, 'Steinman! I have what you're looking for! Just open your eyes!' And when I touch her, she has her boyfriend cut me into a thousand beautiful pieces.

Not What She Wanted
Steinman: Four hundred dollars and ...done.

John: The girl looks terrific, Doctor Steinman ...Doctor?

Steinman: You know, looking at her now... I didn't realize how she seems so sad... wallet...

John: Excuse me?

Steinman: Wallet!

John: Uh, doctor, she's not paid for touching.

Steinman: Let's just come in here and... *starts whistling*

John: Doctor... Stop touching... Doctor, stop touching... Get me the owner of the club! Get me the owner of the club NOW!!!

Woman's Sexuality
Not only are those young girls veritable stress therapists, they're nearly irresistable. They regenerate any lost cash with dances of any type. But their relationship with the club owners is symbolic... if you mess with his girl, the host will make sure you die. 'So you see it's not like dating,' Tenenbaum said. 'It's more like becoming a terminal patient on life support.'

Ok, so Pervert Steinman is done. :)

[Asherah]

I always knew Steiman was self-assorbed, Great job Puddle!

[Puddle]

I always knew Steiman was self-assorbed, Great job Puddle!
Thanks!
:) :) :) :)

[Faded-Myth]

"A little to the left..." -Fontaine, upon being stabbed to hell by Little Sisters.

[esipode]

After LS's stab Fontaine repeatedly with syringes:

Little Sister: "Good. Now here's your lollipop."

Fontaine: "Yay!" *SKips away*

[Puddle]

(Future Steinman)
John: Steinman, you have to stop acting like a cutter, it's not cool.
Steinman: I can't help it! I feel too symmetrical!

[Asherah]

Poor Steinman. I think a psychologist would have a field day in Rapture. :D

[Dr J. Steinman]

Poor Steinman. I think a psychologist would have a field day in Rapture. :D

You said it. xD

[Dr. Locke]

Dinner at the Kashmir

Starring: Dr. Steinman and Diane McClintock


Diane - (Talking to Audio Diary) - Well, this is the big night! The night that could possibly change my life. The yes or no answer that will affect me for the rest of my years. But of course, I cannot risk the answer no. I will have to get the bastard drunk, and force the yes out of him. And even though he may be drunk as holiday donkey, as long as I get that yes, I will never let him live it down....., oh! Here he is now. (Hides diary)

Steinman - Well, hello......., uh?

Diane - McClintock! Its Diane McClintock, and you are Mr. Dr. Steinman I presume?

Steinman - Yes, and what a lovely name you have. (Takes his seat)

Diane - Oh, why thank you. You are much nicer than the nurse at the front desk I met yesterday. She said you were one screwed up piece of s***. But boy, was she wrong.

Steinman - Wh-, what?

Diane - Hmm? Oh, nothing, just trying to start conversation.

Steinman - Ahem, well alright then. How about we start by me taking a look at your face.

Diane - Oh, uh, wouldn't you like to order first?

Steinman - Sure, that would be fine by me.

Diane - ......Waiter! Waiter! Over here!

Waiter - Yes ma'am? Are you ready to order?

Diane - Why yes I am. Uhh, lets see what we have here. Hmmm. You know. I am not very hungry tonight, but I am sure Mr. Steinamn here is. How about you get him your biggest glass of scotch?

Steinman - Oh no, I-

Diane - SCOTCH! Get him your BIGGEST glass of SCOTCH! RIGHT NOW! GO!

Waiter - Okay, would that be all?

Steinman - Actu-

Diane - YES! NOW GET BACK TO THE DAMN KITCHEN AND BRING THAT DRINK! NOWWWW!!! (Waiter leaves.)

Steinman - Diane, I stopped drinking ever since I came to Rapture. Why did you insist on scotch?

Diane - Oh, Steinman, I know you are a professional surgeon, and I am sure you have strict guidelines to follow, but sometime or another you have to break out of that shell. Live life to its fullest. Even if it is for only one night.

Steinman - Well..., I guess one night wouldn't kill me.

Diane - Thats the spirit!


(PART 2 MAYBE SOME OTHER TIME)

***

[cluster]

Little Sister: There was this time, at boot camp ...
Bigdaddy: Oh brother.

[hellknight_lizz]

Little Sister: Mr Bubbles! Get up Mr Bubbles!
Mr B: IM TRYING MY OWN CURRY FART KNOCKED ME OUT!!!

[LuiII]

why do we have two? two eyes, two ears, two legs, two breasts...hhhmmm....I just got an idea...ooohhh-riiiighhht gigity-gigity

omg lmfao pure genious,:D

[adidaq]

*Andrew Ryan huddled over a furnace*
*Atlas enters*
Atlas: ...Would you kindly tell me what the hell you're doing?
Andrew: Getting rid of my golf clubs.

Little Sister: *removing ADAM from a splicer* After this can we go to Chuck E. Cheese?

*Fontaine in the final level, wearing a shirt that says "I spliced up and all I got was this ****py T-shirt*
Fontaine: ...What? It was a gift.


Andrew: A mac chooses. A PC Obeys.

Splicer 1: Have you watched that new show "lost in rapture"? Apparently they rigged up a bunch of cameras, and dropped some guy in here to see what he'd do.
Splicer 2: It wont last.

[Amandatini]

*Andrew Ryan huddled over a furnace*
*Atlas enters*
Atlas: ...Would you kindly tell me what the hell you're doing?
Andrew: Getting rid of my golf clubs.

Little Sister: *removing ADAM from a splicer* After this can we go to Chuck E. Cheese?

*Fontaine in the final level, wearing a shirt that says "I spliced up and all I got was this ****py T-shirt*
Fontaine: ...What? It was a gift.


Andrew: A mac chooses. A PC Obeys.

Splicer 1: Have you watched that new show "lost in rapture"? Apparently they rigged up a bunch of cameras, and dropped some guy in here to see what he'd do.
Splicer 2: It wont last.


Lulz. Especially the Mac/PC one :D

[adidaq]

Lulz. Especially the Mac/PC one :D

thanks ^_^
I didn't know if they were any good to be honest ^^;

[BioShock Freak]

*Andrew Ryan huddled over a furnace*
*Atlas enters*
Atlas: ...Would you kindly tell me what the hell you're doing?
Andrew: Getting rid of my golf clubs.

Little Sister: *removing ADAM from a splicer* After this can we go to Chuck E. Cheese?

*Fontaine in the final level, wearing a shirt that says "I spliced up and all I got was this ****py T-shirt*
Fontaine: ...What? It was a gift.


Andrew: A mac chooses. A PC Obeys.

Splicer 1: Have you watched that new show "lost in rapture"? Apparently they rigged up a bunch of cameras, and dropped some guy in here to see what he'd do.
Splicer 2: It wont last.

LOL! These are great!! :D

Ok, I got one.

Jack: "Do you wanna know why I use a wrench? Guns are too quick, you can’t savor all the little emotions. You see in their last moment, people show you who they really are. So in a way I knew these Splicers better than you ever did. Would you like to know which of them were cowards?"

(The Joker :p)
~Mari.

[Kino1428]

Andrew Ryan: "My friend, I rejected those answers. Instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose: Drinking Diet Coke and eating Mentos AT THE SAME TIME. DAM IT'S HARD!

[adidaq]

LOL! These are great!! :D

Ok, I got one.

Jack: "Do you wanna know why I use a wrench? Guns are too quick, you can’t savor all the little emotions. You see in their last moment, people show you who they really are. So in a way I knew these Splicers better than you ever did. Would you like to know which of them were cowards?"

(The Joker :p)
~Mari.

Thank you. ^_^
I'm glad you liked them. The Mac/PC one started as a typo while writing up a much less funny one. I went with it.
I laughed out loud from your joker reference. A Sander Cohen "why so serious" reference would have been awesome. So very suited to his character :P

[Atlas.]

lol good ones :D


I haven't had any in awhile so heres a few I came up with the other night


Some of Fontaine's taunts to Jack when he is strapped onto the machine getting the ADAM pumped into him (*said in a French accent*)

Fontaine: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of eldeberries

Fontaine: Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!

Fontaine: And if you think you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet!


Couldn't resist a few Monty Python ones :D (the French guard in the Holy Grail) ;)

[Asherah]

These are awesome. I love Monty Python!!!

[adidaq]

lol good ones :D


I haven't had any in awhile so heres a few I came up with the other night


Some of Fontaine's taunts to Jack when he is strapped onto the machine getting the ADAM pumped into him (*said in a French accent*)

Fontaine: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of eldeberries

Fontaine: Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!

Fontaine: And if you think you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet!


Couldn't resist a few Monty Python ones :D (the French guard in the Holy Grail) ;)

I think they should have used The Castle Aaaaarrrgh in bioshock :P

[hellknight_lizz]

My name is Andrew Ryan, and im here to ask a simple question...Does my bum look big in this?!

[BioShock Freak]

Thank you. ^_^
I'm glad you liked them. The Mac/PC one started as a typo while writing up a much less funny one. I went with it.
I laughed out loud from your joker reference. A Sander Cohen "why so serious" reference would have been awesome. So very suited to his character

Haha! Yeah, I can imagine Cohen saying "Why so serious?!" It really does suit his character. He's crazy, ruthless, creative, AND wears make-up. Lol.

My name is Andrew Ryan, and im here to ask a simple question...Does my bum look big in this?!

LOL. Good one. :D

lol good ones


I haven't had any in awhile so heres a few I came up with the other night


Some of Fontaine's taunts to Jack when he is strapped onto the machine getting the ADAM pumped into him (*said in a French accent*)

Fontaine: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of eldeberries

Fontaine: Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!

Fontaine: And if you think you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet!


Couldn't resist a few Monty Python ones :D (the French guard in the Holy Grail) ;)

Haha! These are great! I'm glad you're posting here again. :D

~Mari.

[The_Harbinger]

Andrew:I am Andrew Ryan, and I am here to ask you a question: Is a man not entitled to the ice cream he just bought?
No, says the cows in MooLand. It belongs to the cows.
No, says the man in SelfishWorld. It belongs to me.
Mabye, says the man on Earth. I don't really care.
I rejected those answers. Instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose...
IceCreamWorld.
A city where the cows would not fear the milkers.
Where the ice cream man would not be bound by stupid government licences.
Where the great ice cream would never melt.
With the sweat of your brow, IceCreamWorld can become your city, as well.


I don't really think this is funny but I just posted this for the heck of it.

[Puddle]

Splicer:You know, this really ain't all it's cracked up to be.

Jack:How does it feel to be at the other end of the putter?

Little Sister (after Big Daddy death):Mr. Bubbles, you got pwn3d!

Little Sister (after another Big Daddy death):Holy ****!

[The_Harbinger]

(Jack to healed little sister in safehouse)

Jack: Hey, you know what i'm gonna do after I get the hell out of this rathole of a city?
LS: What, mister?
Jack: I'm going to start a cafe in NYC with 2 of FPS other biggest names, the Chief and Marcus Fenix.
LS: I'm sorry mister, I don't understand.
Jack: Won't it be great! A Spartan, a Cog and some genetically-altered guy running a cafe.
LS: I still don't get you mister.
Jack: Of course you don't, you're 6 years old. But tell you what, once you turn 21 and can start investing in stocks, you can be our major shareholder. Just wait here while I go beat the living daylights out of Atlas first.

(Before fighting Atlas)
Jack: Hey, you know what i'm gonna do after I get the hell out of this rathole of a city?
Atlas: Well, since iv'e got nothing to do while this machine pumps me full of ADAM, what?
Jack: I'm going to start a cafe in NYC with 2 of FPS other biggest names, the Chief and Marcus Fenix.
Atlas: Well, thats the silliest thing iv'e ever heard!
Jack: So what do YOU want to do IF you kill me and get out of here?
Atlas: I'm going to start a whole chain of supermarkets, run by splicers who give horrible service, called 'Atlas-Mart'. Catchy, huh?
Jack: ... ... (And I thought my idea was crazy...)

[Frank Fountaine]

The Meeting of Mr.McDonough and Mr.Ryan

McDonough: Uhh Mr.Ryan I believe I found your audio diary in the bathroom and you said you wanted to meet me to discuss somthing important? How does tuesday sound?

Ryan: Sounds great! Wait what day did he say (Recorder: Please press A button to replay message). Oh neat!

Tuesday in Hephustaus, Ryan's Office

Ryan: Please come in! Would you like to take a put in my putty put mini golf adventure?

McDonough: Uhhhh, errrrrr, no sir. You said you had somthing important to discuss with me?

Ryan: Oh yes, yes. According to the latest polls Raptures population is down 0.0001%

McDonough: Really? That's why you called me here?

Ryan: Well we need a solution. So I've decided as a loyal friend who supplies me beer I'll promote you to the "Extradionary Leauge of Rapturians Gentelmens". Here we'll vote on our soultion.

McDonough: Uhhhhhh,Yay!?

Ryan: Glad to see your enthuasim!

The Meeting of "The Extradionary Leauge of Rapturians Gentlemans"

Ryan: Nice to see you all here.

Stienman: YOUR UGLY, UGGGGLLLYYYYY!!!!!

Ryan: Nice to see you to...

Cohen: Hello my little moths!

Group: Hi Cohen.

Jack:............................................. ...........

Ryan: Wow my son you see overly excited today

McDonough: So uhh let's get down to buisness, yeah?

Ryan: Oh, right, right

Ryan: As you all know our population has been sliding down to an remarkable amount of 0.001% We MUST find a solution, and I believe I may have found it!

Sander Cohen: Does it involve moths?

Ryan: So I decided to google Rapture to see what the message boards think of me, when I came accross this website that apparentley was the gay cruise.

Cohen: YESSSSS! YES! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Where going on a gay cruise? YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSS!!!!!!

Jack.............................................. ......................................

Stienman: What is a gay cruise?

Ryan: It's a where a bunch of half-nakes men go on the ship deck and sing, umph,umph,umph all night long.

McDonough: So how in the bloody hell this relates to helping our population?

Ryan: Well say we brought all these gay men to our city. Can you imagine the possibilites? Our population would rise in an incredible 2%

McDonough: Incredible.

Cohen: So how do you suppose bringing these little moths down here?

Ryan: Easy! We'll promote that there is an underwater city called Rapture on the ship and that Clay Aiken is making a guest expierience, and free copies of Broke Back Mountain will be handed out to the first 1,000,000,000 guests!

Sander Cohen: Ooooooh. Clay Aiken he makes my fruit jiggle...

Stienman: Who even voted Cohen on here anyways?

MESSAGE RELEASED: 1 Second Later

Gay Man: Umph,Umph,Umph!!!

Gay Man with Big Daddy: So is that your naughty name

Little Sister: His name is Mr.Bubbles!

Gay Man 2: Oooooooh! I had a boyfriend named bubbles....

Sander Cohen with Gay Man: Would you like to be my little moth?

Stienman: FABOULOUS!!!!

Jack.............................................. ......................................umph........

Ryan with Gay Man in his office: So have you ever played put putput mini golf adventure?

Gay Man: I like it when you speek naughty!

McDonough:

[adidaq]

*entire message*

My mind has been destroyed. D:
Congratulations. *slow clap*

[Frank Fountaine]

lol...I think I was high when I wrote that...Did you like that though?

[Mr. Tiddlywinks]

Female Splicer: UNKIND, UNCOUTH... yet strangely cultivated, have you ever been to Paris?

[sinlet]

lol...I think I was high when I wrote that...Did you like that though?

LOL, good job on that one, be high more often and write some Bioshock fanfiction ;)

[Telekinetic Puppeteer]

LOL, good job on that one, be high more often and write some Bioshock fanfiction ;)

YES. Holy ****, Frank Fountaine, that had me rolling! XDDD;;

[sinlet]

lol...I think I was high when I wrote that...Did you like that though?

Oh and I think with that nickname you are destined to take drugs and polish the floor a lot :D

(for those who don't get it, check the following link, WARNING: SPOILER: http://forums.2kgames.com/forums/showthread.php?t=22633)

[Slayer_2]

LS: Mr. B! The angels, they're dancing! *giggles*.

BD: What are you smoking? All I see is corpses!

[Mr. Tiddlywinks]

El Ammo Bandito: Bienvenido al Ammo Bandito!... but seriously, what do you want?

[Mr. Tiddlywinks]

Frank Fontaine: "Maybe it's time for me to get a little FreshHair..."(taken from a loudspeaker ad, because ,you know, he's bald)

[Bioshocking123]

http://forums.2kgames.com/forums/showthread.php?t=22685&page=10

At the bottom of the page, I loled while writing it.

[Puddle]

Little Sister to corpse: So Mr. Angel, do you come here often?

Little Sister: Mr. Bubbles, can I get a tattoo?

Little Sister: Look Mr. B the angels are dancing!
Mr. B: Wow. You're ****ed up.
Sander Cohen (working on plaster splicers): Yes little moths! Dance! DANCE! FEEL THE RHYTHM! Now hop! Hop little moths hop!
Mr. B:...(drills self in face)

Sander Cohen:All we have is each other Jack. The little moths are gone. You will be my apprentice. In time, you will dresss like me, look like me, and think like me! You will become me! You will love it! Jack you will- oh, you've already killed yourself.

[Guilty Spark]

Cohen: [sings] "Somewhere, beyond the sea, somewhere waiting for me. My lover stands on golden sa-" *splicer shoots at a big daddy* "-_- golden SA-" *big daddy falls off balcony* ">.< GOLDEN SA-" *explosion* "OH **** IT." *walks off stage*

[Wouldyoukindly...]

Thuggish Splicer: Call the cops on me? Well I must of done something to disturb the peace sorry everyone.

[Atlas.]

-spoilers..-


Frank Fontaine: If you wont dance to that tune, I got others.. CODE.. *pauses* uhh what colour did I use again? Umm.. 'CODE RED' *waits, nothing happens* Nope that wasn't it. 'CODE BLUE' *again nothing happens* Hmm.. 'CODE GREEN'?..

(continues for 5 mins while he goes through about every colour)

Jack: ....

*5 minutes later*

Frank Fontaine: Umm... 'CODE.. YELLOW' *Jack loses some health* YAY that was it, finally... I knew I should'a written that down...

[Dr. Locke]

*Jack is walking around in Arcadia and sees a dead cat.*

Jack: Oh God, poor little thing.

*Jack walks over and kneels before the cat.*

Jack: Hmmm, hehehe....

*Jack lifts his wrench high in the air and swings, hitting the cat.*

Cat: Meeeooooooooooooooooooowwwwww

*Cat jumps on Jack's face.*

Jack: Oh my God! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its not DEAD!!!! AHHHH!!*


> My failed attempt at comedy^^^

***

[Bioshocking123]

^ Omg I would die (literally from the claws) from laughter if that actually happened. :D
Jack wouldn't even scream. He would say:
"....!"

[ATLAS IS WATCHING]

jack: "its time to kick ass and use adam, but im all out of adam"

(you would get it if you ever played duke nukem)

ryan: "jack! i am your father!"

jack: "noooo!"

(they will never say that lol)

[bigbri]

i thought this one was good
*steinman and aphrodite sit down to dinner*
steinman: ''omg omg is my breath ok?*blows on hand then sniffs it* yes thats ok....Helloo goddess are you well?''
Aphrodite: ''yeah thanks am good, listen steinman you have got to play down our relationship usin me as an excuse for what you do...its...its just bad for my image''
steinman:''....errrr ok?''

[Moira Fontaine]

ok so..I dont know if this has been said or not...i havent read every page on this thread so sorry if this is a repeat!




Jack: *sees a burned body* Mm Mm Mm mm Mm Toasty!

(quiznos..)

[John-Williams]

I've seen similar to this on other games and thought it would be really good for Bioshock :D


Basically just things any character from Bioshock would say. This includes the main characters, minor characters, splicers, the announcers etc


-SPOILERS WILL BE PROBABLE IN THIS THREAD-


Im not great at these but i'll see if i can think of some more




Little Sister: "Don't be a slow poke Mr. B. Angels don't wait for slow pokes..."

Big Daddy: "You try walking faster in this massive goddamn suit!"



Public Announcement: "Natural Camouflage: New from Ryan Industries. Just wanna hide? Or for when you just want to perv in the Ladies room, upgrade to natural camouflage today!"



Atlas: "The Sub! Nooooo! I had a lifetime supply of beer in there i was gonna take with me outta here, now its gone... Goddamn Ryan! Jesus Christ!



Andrew Ryan: "I have one question for you: Do you think i'll ever make it into the PGA tournament?"



im sure there will be people here that can come up with some great ones :D

XD!! Very funny.

[Rapture_Cult_Bouncer431]

a man chooses...to do LSD and think he's a pro golfer on the bottom of the ocean ;)

[Rapture_Cult_Bouncer431]

jack: "its time to kick ass and use adam, but im all out of adam"

(you would get it if you ever played duke nukem)

ryan: "jack! i am your father!"

jack: "noooo!"

(they will never say that lol)

lmao i love that...kick ass and use adam but ur all out of adam...i was just thinking of that game and couldnt remember what it was...thats a good one :)

[ATLAS IS WATCHING]

Ryan: A man chooses... to take part in one of the most elaborate reality TV shows in history! Yes, it turns out Rapture is one huge film set and we've been broadcasting all your hilarious movements to a fascinated America! :D

rofl! you almost made me spill soda all over my sweater! XD

[Adam Addict]

Lil Sister: **** Chocolate....Grapes FTW!

[Cohen's Masterpiece]

Lil Sister: F**k Chocolate....Grapes FTW!

lol :D
"Look Mr. B, it's a grape tree!"
... that was terrible :o

[Bioshocking123]

^
No no, that was beautiful. :p

[ATLAS IS WATCHING]

(after johnny gets killed and when the spider splicer flees)

atlas: "now would you kindly pick up that short term radio?"
*jack picks up radio*

atlas: "i dunno how you survived that plane crash bu.." *atlas gets interupted*

jack: "yea i would kindly like a raptureburger with some fries...oh and a
meduim sized nuka cola!"

atlas: "....eh?"

[mummyjohn]

^Ha ha, nuka cola nice...


Little Sister: Look Mr. Bubbles, this angel's dancing!
Big Daddy: Oh geez not again with this bulls**t...NO HE'S NOT! It's just a bloody glitch! Every other dead body twitches in this place...


Fontaine: Guess I owe ya the truth, kid. All those memories you thought you had? None of 'em were real. You're just the lead character in a video game. I've had a lot of good business partners, but you...course the fact that you were genetically conditioned to follow every command an Xbox player gives you...

[Atlas the 2nd]

Jack: Fontine please dont kill me! Fontine: (starts laughing).......uh jack your on scare tactics! Jack: (looks pissed and pumps fontine full of buckshells. (little sister in backround) jack FTW! not funny just did it for the heck of it.
Atlas:Would you kindly go get me a beer?
Andrew Ryan:A man chooses, a slave is his b*tch.
Banner:No gods or kings, only crackhead splicers running around screaming their f*cking heads off.

LMFAO that hit the spot lol

[bigbri]

lol to quote homer simpson and andrew ryan together
ryan: a man chooses....to sit around in his pants an scratch his ass!

*jack enters fort frolic*
cohen: oh please!those clothes are soooo last decade!
jack: *****!*bursts into tears*

[Asherah]

*After Rose splicer ambush*
Atlas: Now take a deep breath and step out of the bathysphere, I won't le-
Jack: What?!?! Are you nuts! There's a crazy lady with freaking meat hooks out there!
Atlas: Look trust me, she's nothing to worry about.
Jack: Yeah and I'm sure that's what that poor guy who got his guts handed to him thought too.
Atlas: I got you cover, you'll be safe.
Jack: Like how?!?! Look, you're just a guy with a really outrageous Irish accent talking over a radio, unless you're hiding somewhere out there with a rocket launcher I'm not coming out of here.
Atlas: Now you're just acting like a baby.
Jack: No I'm not!
Atlas: Yes you are, and you're going to be a dead baby with a meathook through your head unless you do what I say.
Jack: Screw this city, I'm outta here!!!
Atlas: What?! You can't leave, the bathysphere goes only one way!
*Bathysphere leaves for the surface*
Atlas:.............. well damn.

[Atlas.]

^lol :D :p


Glad to see this thread is still going :) Trying to come up with some more , cant think of anything funny at the moment though..

[FtRapture]

Yeah we may need a title change, we are way past 250 :)

[BioShock Freak]

*After Rose splicer ambush*
Atlas: Now take a deep breath and step out of the bathysphere, I won't le-
Jack: What?!?! Are you nuts! There's a crazy lady with freaking meat hooks out there!
Atlas: Look trust me, she's nothing to worry about.
Jack: Yeah and I'm sure that's what that poor guy who got his guts handed to him thought too.
Atlas: I got you cover, you'll be safe.
Jack: Like how?!?! Look, you're just a guy with a really outrageous Irish accent talking over a radio, unless you're hiding somewhere out there with a rocket launcher I'm not coming out of here.
Atlas: Now you're just acting like a baby.
Jack: No I'm not!
Atlas: Yes you are, and you're going to be a dead baby with a meathook through your head unless you do what I say.
Jack: Screw this city, I'm outta here!!!
Atlas: What?! You can't leave, the bathysphere goes only one way!
*Bathysphere leaves for the surface*
Atlas:.............. well damn.
Haha! This is a good one. I could totally imagine Jack and Atlas saying that! :p Lol.
~Mari.

[Insane_smilez]

Little Sister: Mr. Bubbles?

Big Daddy: Yes????

Little Sister: I got another nosebleed.

Big Daddy: o.O; Is that a fat joke?!?!?!?!

[Jack FontaineCS]

Jack: [on plane looking at photo] ******* alcoholics..



Jack: [upon entering Rapture] This isn't the water temple.




Atlas: Hey look! A big daddy! I dare you to touch it!

[Bioshocking123]

Atlas: Hey look! A big daddy! I dare you to touch it!

lol With his Irish accent that would be funny.
:D

[Jack FontaineCS]

Splicer: Jack where have you been!? Are you ready for the New Years Eve party?

[Jack FontaineCS]

Andrew Ryan: Welcome to Atlantis where the play is play, and we ride on bathyspheres everyday.

[ATLAS IS WATCHING]

(i thought about this while i was in church lol, this is how johnny met cohen)

*johnny walks into the fleet hall and hears cohen talking to himself atop a nearby balcony*

sander cohen: "i have nothing to live for and i am a failure.. *clears thorat*
ladies and gentlemen! i sander cohen! will preform my grand finale!"

*sander cohen ties a rope to his left foot and ties the end to the balcony*

*cohen drops down from the balcony and hangs from the rope*

sander cohen: "hmm.. thats odd. *looks at johnny and gives him a awkard
stare* ah! a voulenteer! here, take these sicorss and cut
the rope!"
*johnny cuts the rope, making cohen fall flat to the ground*

sander cohen: "you saved my life! good thing no doubter ever saw me"

johnny: "what!? you tried to sucdice and your thanking me for saving you?"

(well that was just something random i thought of, yea it wasent that good huh?:o )

[Jack FontaineCS]

Little Sister: Mr. Bubbles what's wrong?

Big Daddy: Do you ever shut the f*ck up!



Not as good as my others but yeah.

[Jack FontaineCS]

lol :D
"Look Mr. B, it's a grape tree!"
... that was terrible :o

I honestly don't understand chocolate and grapes...w-t-f mate?

[Adam Addict]

^ if you follow the lil' sisters around long enough, they eventually say,

"Chocolate is better than Grapes"

pretty random but funny as hell...

[Adam Addict]

Sander Cohen: What's that look?

You don't like it, do you?!

I don't need to be judged by you, by anyone!

I Just Need to Get Laid!

PLEEEASE!

I Want to Get Laid, but I Can't!

It's My F***ing Curse!

[BioShock Freak]

Sander Cohen: What's that look?

You don't like it, do you?!

I don't need to be judged by you, by anyone!

I Just Need to Get Laid!

PLEEEASE!

I Want to Get Laid, but I Can't!

It's My F***ing Curse!
Haha, nice one. :D This one made me laugh out loud. :D
~Mari.

[ATLAS IS WATCHING]

Sander Cohen: What's that look?

You don't like it, do you?!

I don't need to be judged by you, by anyone!

I Just Need to Get Laid!

PLEEEASE!

I Want to Get Laid, but I Can't!

It's My F***ing Curse!

LOL very funny XD

[ATLAS IS WATCHING]

little sister: look mr. bubbles! its a glitch!
big daddy: yea blame epic..

[Circus of Values]

Ryan: Jack...I hate to tell you, but you were born to me from this funky broad down at the Eve strip club. You been there? Yeah, she was good....nice, firm, strong but not too forceful. You know what I'm saying? The kind of person you just wanna-what am I saying? I'm straying from the subject. So tell me...what is the difference between a man and a slave...

[BioShock Freak]

Ryan: Jack...I hate to tell you, but you were born to me from this funky broad down at the Eve strip club. You been there? Yeah, she was good....nice, firm, strong but not too forceful. You know what I'm saying? The kind of person you just wanna-what am I saying? I'm straying from the subject. So tell me...what is the difference between a man and a slave...
LOL. I can see Jack's face drawing a blank, like, WTF? Lol. Good one.
~Mari.

[Atlas.]

Ryan: Jack...I hate to tell you, but you were born to me from this funky broad down at the Eve strip club. You been there? Yeah, she was good....nice, firm, strong but not too forceful. You know what I'm saying? The kind of person you just wanna-what am I saying? I'm straying from the subject. So tell me...what is the difference between a man and a slave...
LOL "funky broad" :D can imagine Jack's face there lol. Nice one

[Bioshocking123]

LOL "funky broad" :D can imagine Jack's face there lol. Nice one

Haha, that snapshot would be epic. XD

[Seasick]

Here are some



Little Sister: You know what? Screw this. I hate my job. And i'm tired of a big metal guy following me around! I don't need to do this. I just owed the creators of Bioshock one cuz they put me in the freakin' game.

Atlas: Would you kindly wipe my ass?

Splicer: You think it's fun killing people and stealing from their bodies? Cuz it is.

Sander Cohen: I always wanted to just sell food at a store. Now I look like a Screwed up circus clown.

Andrew Ryan: Go ahead, Ruin my life a little more, would you? You hit me 3 times in a face with a Damn golf club then killed some citizens. And now your gonna Screw around with little girls? Dude your messed up.


Fontaine: You think I enjoy sleeping on a cold metal table and looking like the inside of a human? I need a beer...

[Mr. Crippie]

Fontaine: You know Jack, I'm sorry I used you like that. It wasn't right to get you involved in my feud with Ryan. Why don't you come up and we'll talk things over over some beers.

[ATLAS IS WATCHING]

Here are some



Little Sister: You know what? Screw this. I hate my job. And i'm tired of a big metal guy following me around! I don't need to do this. I just owed the creators of Bioshock one cuz they put me in the freakin' game.

Atlas: Would you kindly wipe my ass?

Splicer: You think it's fun killing people and stealing from their bodies? Cuz it is.

Sander Cohen: I always wanted to just sell food at a store. Now I look like a Screwed up circus clown.

Andrew Ryan: Go ahead, Ruin my life a little more, would you? You hit me 3 times in a face with a Damn golf club then killed some citizens. And now your gonna Screw around with little girls? Dude your messed up.


Fontaine: You think I enjoy sleeping on a cold metal table and looking like the inside of a human? I need a beer...

thats kinda crude boyo.. ;)

[Circus of Values]

Hey, my last one got compliments from two moderators :D I am a happy vending machine.

Anyway...

Jack: You know what? I'm tired of dying about 12 times trying to get rid of a god-damn Big Daddy, just so I can pick up a little girl and decide what to do with her.





*after Jack kills Ryan*
Atlas: Would you kindly put the genetic key into the...whatever?
Jack: ...damnit.

I can just imagine Jack saying that :D

[Zvriel Chkies]

Big Daddy Tryouts.

Interviewing 'candidates' for Failsafe Armoured Escorts.

So do you mind wearing a diving suit and giving your free will away and being genetically altered.

No.

Do you like maintenance and using drills and rivet guns.

Yes.

Last question.

Do you like children especialy little girls with needles.

No! I cannot abide kids. Fine if you got them but not for me!

...

My worst nightmare that. Having a little girls as my only friends.

Okayyyyyy.....

And I hate needles, they make me pass out just seeing them.

Plasmid harvesting!

Eh?

Nothing to worry about sir.

2

Do mind wearing a armoured diving suit, giving your will away and being genetically altered, doing maintenance work and using drills and rivet guns.

No.

Do you like little girls with needles.

Yes sure. Love children.

Begins writng aproved.....

But you gotta let me have most of the some time out of the suit you know.

...

So I can kick back with my splicer mates at Fighting McDonaughs.

Yes those splicers are a right laugh. You should see what the houdini and spiders get up to when they have had a few.

Plasmid harvesting!

3

Do you mind wearing a diving suit, giving away your will, doing mantenance, using drills and rivet guns and protecting Little Sisters.

Not at all.

Begins writng approv.....

But I have terrible claustrophobia.

Seriously I get the jitters after ten hours in one of those suits.

A whole day, I go crazy.

And plasmids and hypnotherapy did not help?


No! Kept the edge off for a bit but not long.

Man, worst nightmare having to wear one of those things forever!

PH!

Eh?

Just go on in you will be fine.

Says to assisstant.

We may not have got many new FAE but we defiantely got a lot of genetic matter for the plasmids.

Jack

Looks at jumper and clothes in despair.

Man! I come to this beautiful but rusting city and I am wearing this!

Looks at jumper.

Why did I wear this!

It is so awful!

Last time I dress casual for a plane ride, definately.

Jack

To Big Daddy banging pipe because it cannot find Little Sister.

Aww cut it out!

Wargg!

I have a thumping headache from the wine from that dead splicer in there.

Warrr!

And I am coming down from a suger rush. So much candy and chips!

Warrrggg!

Aww shut up!

Warrgg!!!!! Warrggggggggggg! Wa!

They should have made a 'Translate Fae [ Failsafe Armoured Escorts] plasmid!

[Bioshocking123]

Ryan: *shudders*
Jack: What's wrong?
Ryan: Something deep inside of me is screaming that a very intellegent man just decided to stop talking about me.

(Yahh... A shout out to KF. :D)

[Zvriel Chkies]

Bioshock and Resistance Fall Of Man and Resistance 2

Nathan Hale teleports to Rapture.

Meets Jack.

Hello.

Hello.

So what you doing here?

My plane crashed etc.

What are you doing here?

Chimiera teleport sent me here.

Eek!

Don't worry they cannot follow.

Can't make it any worse.

So whats the deal with this place.

Tells a lot.

Jack

So what is going on with you?

Hale

I am a genetically altered super soldier fighting a ancient foe called the Chimiera. I am the strongest soldier in my team.

Deflects Spiders meat hook without a sound or expression and shoots the Spider to bits.

Jack

I am a genetically altered super soldier who has lots of programming in my head.


Jack

So what guns you got.

I have lots but a favourite is the Splicer.

Splicer!

Yes it fires blades into enemies.

Oh, cool.

What is a splicer here?

A thuggish launches at Hale who grabs him midair and chokes then breaks his neck with his right hand.

That.

Freaky.

They continue talking as splicers lauch them selves at them and they fight them off.

So want to come to fight Chimiera with me?

Sure. Be better than this.

Jack packs his stuff in a bag for teleporting.

Hale

Err, Jack...

Yes?

Why is this little girl hugging my leg and calling me Mr Bubbles.

Thats a little sister.

Right.

Now she is calling me a sister. Seems confused.

Might be the yellow eyes.

Right.

Now she is stabbing me in the leg with a large needle.

That is not good.

Hale shakes off LS.

She screams and a bouncer and a rosie come raging in.

Jack and Hale kill them after a short fight.

So ready to go?

Soon as I harvest this LS.

Okay. Ugh, messy.

Accounts for the outfit.

Pardon?

Nothing.

They get ready to teleport.

Hale.

Jack the outfit, seriously bad.

I know. I was on a plane, did not expect I would be in company or a nice city.
I was going to change before landing.

Fair enough

I am sure SPRA have some spare uniforms for you.

Great. Be glad to get out of this gear.

No harvesting in the dress uniform ok.

Of course not.

SPRA will be pleased to have you.

Good.

The Chimiera will not know what hit them.

Cool.

Long time after they left.

Atlas comes on radio and sees Jack gone.

Nooooo! Now I will have to make another plan!

I should not have drunk every single type of alchohol in Rapture and passed out for 5 hours.

Drinking is bad!

Splicer assistants gasp in surprise.

For plans to take over Rapture......

Right

I am Irish, we love drink.

If you say so, Monsieur Fontaine.

[Walkingpalmtree]

Splicer: You did what with who for how much adam?

Andrew Ryan: Where the artist would not fear the censor bar.

Also ...ranom though wouldn't little sister and cohen get along like farth and daughter XD they both think about angels!

[ATLAS IS WATCHING]

RYAN: oh is it really you son? jack! my god, youve grown up! i remember when you were a baby and now you came crashing down a plane, into my city, fighting off splicers and big daddies just so you can see pappa ryan! i guess you were excited to see me after all those years! come on son, how bout a game of golf?

JACK: 0__0

[Bioshocking123]

^
lol, you know my love for irony... Literally in this sense, I do belive a 9-iron was the club he was using? Ahh, good times in Rapture. :D

[ATLAS IS WATCHING]

^ thanks :D. *steinmen spots a big daddy along the corridor* dr. steinmen: my god! what is that thing! its ugly! i dont like ugly! UGLY! UGLY! UUGGLLYY!! *blasts the big daddy with a machine gun* little sister: get him mr b!

[Frank Fountaine]

Jack coming into Rapture into begining of game...

Atlas: Would you kindly go kill Andre..err, umm, what I meant to say is........(slowly) HI...I'M...ATLAS...^_^

[Femme Fatale]

Atlas: Damn splicers … they’re after me Lucky Charms!

Rapture: Everything’s not better down where it’s wetter, take it from me!

“Would you kindly …” The miracle phrase of AtlasxJack slash fanfic authors everywhere.

Camouflage and Wrench Lurker: Evolve mad Ninja skills TODAY!

Atlas: That’s a Big Daddy, but he’s the least of your problems. Now Big Momma … she’s the one you should be worryin’ about.
Jack: ….?
Atlas: Tis the time of the month, boyo. No body wants ta be around a Big Momma durin' her time of the month.

Sander Cohen: Here comes Peter Cottontail hopping down the bunny trail. Hippity Hoppity ... Easter's gone to HELL!

((You can imagine that Easter's probably Sander Cohen's worst day ever. xD))

Frank Fontaine: WOOAH I just can't WAIT to be KIIING!

[ATLAS IS WATCHING]

^ lol sander cohen hating easter! i never thought about that! XD

[kypz]

scenerio: 2 splicers are having a casual walk through Arcadia

Splicer 1: Ahh, beautiful day , isn't it? .... what're you up to?.

Splicer 2: Meh, Nothing .... just finished a book the other day.

Splicer 1: Ahh?, what book?

Splicer 2: "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand.

Splicer 1: Oh ..... Great novel!

Splicer 2: Indeed!

[Femme Fatale]

Jack: The best and brightest in the world ... and they couldn't have hired a plumber?

[Zvriel Chkies]

Tennenbaums Hideout

Little Sister

Today I am going to recite this poem I wrote.

Captured Houdini Splicer

Oh no, no more clouds and flowers and tea parties stuff!

Captured Spider Splicer

Oh no! I do not like poetry.

LS

Doom. Doom DOOM! Death! Blackness. Murder.

Goes on for a while with a very dark and gloomy and gory poem.

After.

Houdin 0_0 Scary.

Spider Better than I expected.

Bouncer

Very good!

LS

And now I have a poem about puppies and kittens and fluffy clouds!

Houdini Hope it is not long.

Spider Shame, the dark stuff was good.

LS

It is 49 verses long and I will make the 50th when I get to it. I'll improvise!

Houdini Agh!

[_The_Big_Daddy_]

Big Daddy: "URRRRRRRRR MUURRRRRRRR NURRRR!!"
Sander Cohen: "You don't say?"
Big Daddy: "MUHHHH HUUUUUUU NUHHHHH"
Sander Cohen: "She never did!"
Big Daddy: "UHHHH NUHH!"
Sander Cohen: "Who'd of thought it aye? Tenenbaum, pole dancing in Eves Garden, what a fox!".

[thebluefirebean]

Big Daddy (voice sped up): I've been following u girls around for 2 bloody months, and i still haven't seen a single one of those blasted angels u keep blathering on about!!!

[Zvriel Chkies]

Jack looks at camera after fight with crazed splicers.

All you people drink is arcadia merlot, chechnya vodka, old harbinger beer and whisky.

Al you eat is creme filled cakes, pep bars, and chips.

No wonder you are nuts.

How about some fruit huh! Or water, or squash or soda.

Or meat, not seen much of that about.


You have got to be feeling the effects of all that alchohol and junk food.

You have a fully functioning forest in Arcadia! Why don't you use it!

And come on Raptures under the sea! At least you could have fish! Lots of fish out there.



Jack sees a cat wandering about.

Aww a cat. A living cat. Wow.

A none insane being in Rapture! I have to make friends!

Gets out pep bar and offers it some.

Here cat, want to be friends?

Meow! Takes pep bar and walks with him.

After a while it goes ahead into a dangerous and blocked off area.

What are you doing Kang?

Meow.

Come back it is not safe. Full of splicers.

Cat starts glowing and changing.

What is going on Kang?

Rarr! Turns into giant flaming were cat the same size as him.

Sighs and blasts and shoots Kang till dead.

Kang lies there dead for awhile and Jack moves tentatively forward.

Comes back to life again twice as strong.

Kills Kang again but not before he lets out a yowl.

A rumbling starts and a Bouncer bursts through the debris followed but a Rosie and many angry splicers.

Oh great a cat that has LS powers.

After a massive fight he looks at a map and stomps off.

Atlas/Fontaine

Where are you going, you have to kill Ryan.

No I do not! I am going to kill the person who made that cat.

?

Clasps gun to chest and says emotionally.

My only friend in Rapture. And they turn out to be a Betraying Cat!

I am your friend mon ami.....urr boyo

?

Pardon?

Nothing.

Well whatever. I am going to Mutogenic Hunting Beasts Inc to kill the person who made it.

But.....

Later! Killing time!

[Atlas.]

Atlas: Damn splicers … they’re after me Lucky Charms!

Rapture: Everything’s not better down where it’s wetter, take it from me!

“Would you kindly …” The miracle phrase of AtlasxJack slash fanfic authors everywhere.

Camouflage and Wrench Lurker: Evolve mad Ninja skills TODAY!

Atlas: That’s a Big Daddy, but he’s the least of your problems. Now Big Momma … she’s the one you should be worryin’ about.
Jack: ….?
Atlas: Tis the time of the month, boyo. No body wants ta be around a Big Momma durin' her time of the month.

Sander Cohen: Here comes Peter Cottontail hopping down the bunny trail. Hippity Hoppity ... Easter's gone to HELL!

((You can imagine that Easter's probably Sander Cohen's worst day ever. xD))

Frank Fontaine: WOOAH I just can't WAIT to be KIIING!
lol those ones are good. I particuarly like the first one ;) :D

Imagine Cohen on Easter day with all the rabbits around :eek: That would be a rather interesting scene... LOL


I havent been able to come up with any more myself yet, will keep trying

[Zvriel Chkies]

Sander Cohen goes on holiday to Heavenly Hotel And Spa.

A female assistant comes in and says

Time for your time in the Random Heavenly suite.

Okay, how exciting.

We have a no phobia policy so we offer the chance to refuse if you do not want to go in.

Okay, but I like surprises.

Yes sir.....( thinks of how he reacts when he thinks you do not like his work)

They arrive at the door with him being blindfolded the entire way.

Takes off blindfold and says

Do you want to see the name of the suite?

Im sure you picked me a fine one, don't bother.

Yes sir.

He goes into a darkened room.

Lights come on in the Heavenly Happy Bunny Room!

A forest setting with many rabbits.

Cohen cowers, torn between facination and the urge to scream.

The assistant annouces

Welcome to The Heavenly Happy Bunny Room! A pastorial paradise Of happy rabbits and flowers.

All genetically enhanced to be friendly. Will kill if you try to hurt them in any way. Unless you want to hunt them in which case they will behave normally.

Everything ok sir? Want to stay?

Urr yes......( Thinking of poem and art inpired by rabbits.)

A artist must suffer for their art!

Yes sir.....

Assistant leaves.

A rabbit comes up to his foot and sniffs him.

Agghhhhhh!!!!!

3 hours later.

Sander Cohen is sat on a log similtaniously being inspired and cowering and screaming and covered in bites from where he got on their wrong side.

Rabbits swarming round him.

Assistant comes in.

He screams very loud and yells.

A big rabbit!

I wont hurt you! I won't pull off your ears! Do you want me to tell Steinman to sort out your ears, wild bunny?

Totally unflappable female is mildly disturbed.

Oh sorry sir, I was trying on my mask for the ball.

[wiiario]

Oh, I thought of one.

Andrew Ryan:
Atlas?! You can kill me, but you will NEVER TAKE MY CHEEZ-ITS!! My strength is not in potato chips and pepbars; that is what the Parasites will never understand.

[Bioshocking123]

^
Ell-Oh-Ell.

I like snack foods, and that would have been as equally epic if he had said that. :p

[Femme Fatale]

Oh, I thought of one.

Andrew Ryan:
Atlas?! You can kill me, but you will NEVER TAKE MY CHEEZ-ITS!! My strength is not in potato chips and pepbars; that is what the Parasites will never understand.

You know what? I can actually hear him saying that in my head, and it's the funniest, most win-worthy thing ever.

[Who_is_Atlas?]

At Endgame:

"Your Mother Goose never told you what happened to your father..." - Fontaine
"She told me enough, she told me you killed him!" - Jack
"No, Jack, I am your father." - Jackon
"No...no! NO! That's impossible! That can't be true! It...it can't!" - Jack
"Search your egg salad, you KNOW it to be true." - Fontaine

Gotta love how Fontaine sounded so ridiculous at times when trying to sound threatening with his 1950s Bronx slang. :D

[_The_Big_Daddy_]

Andrew Ryan - "So how does my new suit look Sander?"
Sander Cohen - "Splendid!"
Andrew Ryan - "GOOD! i want to look stunning for Jasmine"
Sander Cohen - "I really don't see what you see in her.."
Andrew Ryan - "Have you seen the bottom on that young damsel?"
Sander Cohen - "Have you seen mine? I can crack coconuts with this baby"
Andrew Ryan - ":eek:"
Sander Cohen - ":D"

[Bioshocking123]

#U@#!(()#&!*@#^&%$%$!&!!!!!!!!!!!

*twitch twitch*

I think my brain just died.
D:


I have one.
Sander Cohen: I'M NOT GAY.

:p

[Circus of Values]

Haha. Dude. Cracking coconuts? I'm pretty sure you just killed off the remaining brain cells I had left. Dammit! I was saving those for later.

Anyhow...

Splicer: Jesus loves me, this I kno- Wait. What am I saying? I've killed 12 different people, 20 innocent babies, 37 pregnant women, and 9 kittens. Jesus doesn't love me. You know what? I'm gonna go to rehab. Get back into life, you know. That sort of thing. Man, I sure feel better.

[Bioshocking123]

^
Bahaha, right after this crystal-clear clarity of coherent thought, Jack comes around the corner, armed to the teeth, and blows him up. :)

[Circus of Values]

Hot damn! I was just thinking that!

[Bioshocking123]

Trippy. 0_0
Hot damn!
lol, I love that phrase.

[Circus of Values]

Haha, due to me thinking of the web-comic Cyanide and Happiness, I guess my subconscious psyche just brought it to mind. :D

[ImAGoodGirl]

Umm I'll give it a try..

Little Sister: "Unzip him Mr. B"
Jack:Uuuummm....
Sander Cohen (in backround): "If he wont' I will" :D

[Circus of Values]

Oh god. :( Images flashing through my head, so fast...Great, now the nightmares are going to set in.

[ImAGoodGirl]

Sorry Cirus. I just had to do it.

[Circus of Values]

Thats what they all say, and every time someone says it, a little bit more of my sanity is unravelled :(

Haha. Funny stuff.

[BioShock Freak]

Umm I'll give it a try..

Little Sister: "Unzip him Mr. B"
Jack:Uuuummm....
Sander Cohen (in backround): "If he wont' I will" :D
OMG!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!
~Mari.

[501105]

Jack
`hell no I wont help you atlas I am going to the nearest bar and get wasted`

[ImAGoodGirl]

Jack: Big daddies are such wh*res. It seems every one I run into either tries to screw me or nail me.



((That was the roommate not me. He wanted to do one too))

[The Dukenator]

Atlas: Duke Nukem could kick ass & chew bubble gum better than you. On second thought, I'll summon some octabrains to kick your scrawny ass.

Little Sister: *pisses off Big Daddy*
Big Daddy: Why you little--!!!

[answering a prank phone call from Jack]
Cohen's Tavern... Yeah, just a sec, I'll check.
[calling out]
Cohen: Uh, Amanda Hugginkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Hugginkiss. Aw, why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss?
[whole bar bursts into laughter]
Splicer: Maybe your standards are too high!
Cohen: [into phone] You little SOB! If I ever find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs up your butt!

Cohen: Behold, my Hello Kitty collection.

[Circus of Values]

Ha, I can just imagine Cohen saying that to somebody. Ouch, images >.<

[The Dukenator]

Ha, I can just imagine Cohen saying that to somebody. Ouch, images >.<

Referring to the prank call? It's based off of The Simpsons where Bart prank calls Moe's Tavern.

Moving on...

Little Sister: Watch out for Alma. She is my Big Sister, so don't piss her off.

Splicer: Brrraaaaaiiiiiiinnnnnsssss...

[Zvriel Chkies]

Scary Girl Meeting.

At the Scary Girls Club, were all kinds of terrifying girls meet to discuss things like dolls, toys, and scaring people they are having a fighting tournement.

Ghost Girl from Ghost Hunter ps2 game and a Little Sister.

Ghost Girls have a bear which they carry all the time and when threatened they scream and yell 'Get him teddy!' and the bear grows to a horrific and massive monster ghost bear that uses the girl as a weapon. Horrific.

They line with the judge being a senior Ghost Girl.

After the rules are explained they start.

GG screams and yells 'Get her ted.....!' and LS screams and yells Mr Bu.....!

Symiltainiously and the judge simultainiously covers their mouths and stops them.

No! No! You will not be calling Mr Bubbles or Teddy in this fight.

Both similtainiously go
Awww.......

But the arena is full of vents and walls and you can use whatever weapons you want.

Okay.

The fight gets long and much hiding in vents and ghosting through walls and stabbing with needles is involved.

Ghost Girl holding a wager on the fight to another.

It is going to be a long night.

[Circus of Values]

Referring to the prank call? It's based off of The Simpsons where Bart prank calls Moe's Tavern.

Moving on...

Little Sister: Watch out for Alma. She is my Big Sister, so don't piss her off.

Splicer: Brrraaaaaiiiiiiinnnnnsssss...

Haha, I know. Cohen in that context though...hilarity ensues. "Is that you, little moth?"

Damn though man, Alma would be the hardcore Big sis. I mean, she wouldn't slam you with a drill or anything. Nope, she would just make you disintegrate.

[ImAGoodGirl]

And who's idea was it exactly to make Alma a part of bioshock?.

[wiiario]

It's not suppose to make sense. BARNEY could be in BioShock!
*Is trying to think of way to splice BioShock with Barney Theme Song.*

[The Dukenator]

It's not suppose to make sense. BARNEY could be in BioShock!
*Is trying to think of way to splice BioShock with Barney Theme Song.*
Barney sucked, but it would be creepy.
As I was saying about Alma, if she all of sudden appeared in BioShock, that would creepy.

Big Daddy: I'm too old for this ****.

Atlas: Remember, remember,
the 5th of November,
the gun powder treason and plot...

[_The_Big_Daddy_]

What about Sander Cohen singing an impromptu version of Michael Jacksons Thriller?

Or Fontaine singing Smooth Criminal.

;)

[wiiario]

Fontaine:
I've been hit by- I've been struck by- A little Sister!

[The Dukenator]

What about Sander Cohen singing an impromptu version of Michael Jacksons Thriller?

Somehow, that reminds me of Darth Vader & Stormtroopers doing that. Video is on Youtube, link was on Twitter couple months ago

[Ladyluck]

^thanks :) was gonna put it here but wasnt sure Sander Cohen Presents - Rapture: The Musical - All Singing All Dancing!

Love it. :D And you could have Dancing Big Daddies who use their weapons as accessories to their dance (ex. when people dance with canes).

Plus instead of the Little Sisters saying "Kill it Mr. Bubbles, Kill it." They would say "Dance Mr Bubbles, Dance."

[coffee009]

What would Half-Life and bioshock be like?

LS: Mr. Bubbles look out
Combine: Big daddy in bound, neutralize on sight
BD: Rawr!!!!!!
*200 Combine fight a single bouncer*
LS: Kill em'
*10 seconds later*
Combine: Big Daddy neutralized, get the little sister
LS:no, no, no

[Atlas.]

Or Fontaine singing Smooth Criminal.

lol i can actually imagine him doing that :p Would be rather interesting to see. Maybe he could get a job with Cohen and switch careers :D lol



hmm maybe i should have made this thread 1001 things instead of 250 :p

[Seasick]

Got another:


Jack:

*sigh*

Fontaine:

What's wrong Jack?

Jack:

Wh- wait! Where did you come from?

Fontaine:

Just asking what was wrong... yeesh -.-

Jack:

You know damn well whats wrong.

Fontaine:

You mean your stuck in an underwater city with crazy splicers running around and armored guys in diving suits with crazy grey yellow- eyed 5 year old little girls stabbing dead guys?

Jack:

No! The cofee is cold and all the food is past it's expiration date. What do you expect for me to eat this crud?

Fontaine:

No i'm just an antagonist.

Tenenbaum:

You've been talking and eating and drinking for 10 HOURS NOW! WILL YOU JUST STAB HIM WITH THE DAMN NEEDLE?

Fontaine:

*Like donald trump*

Tenenbaum, Your fired


Jack:

Harsh O.O

[The Dukenator]

hmm maybe i should have made this thread 1001 things instead of 250 :p

or Things you would never hear in BioShock

[coffee009]

or Things you would never hear in BioShock

ya, i like that idea better.

[Tony345]

Hi, first off, I'm new here. :D

Secondly:

Andrew Ryan: "Jack... I AM YOUR FATHER!!!"

Jack: "..."

and also

Intercom: "Welcome to Rapture, where the phrase 'paint the town red' has a whole new meaning!"

As a side note, I really love Bioshock and really look forward to becoming (or at least trying to) part of the community. :)

PS: I didn't read all 46 pages before this... sorry if my first one was already posted.

[The Dukenator]

Fontaine: Bueller, Bueller...

[Zvriel Chkies]

Hi, first off, I'm new here.

Secondly:

Andrew Ryan: "Jack... I AM YOUR FATHER!!!"

Jack: "..."

and also

Intercom: "Welcome to Rapture, where the phrase 'paint the town red' has a whole new meaning!"

As a side note, I really love Bioshock and really look forward to becoming (or at least trying to) part of the community.

PS: I didn't read all 46 pages before this... sorry if my first one was already posted.

The paint the town red one is funny.

Fontaine is taunting Jack over the radio.
You ain't got the bottle kid. You got moxy, but not enough for this fox.
Jack wisely keeps his thoughts to himself.
You ain't goona scam me! I am the king of the grift, the long con leader, the head honco.
Humming quietly to self now.
Gets busy searching through a treasure chest while stood by a jukebox.
After a while he gets up and Fontaine is still going but making less sense.
I'll get all the piggly wigglies. All the gold, all the silver, and all the corpses.
Jack thinks things are going a bit odd and gets his plasmids and chemical thrower ready.
Goes through exporing when a attack does not appear.
After coming out of a loud and radio jamming zone he realizes Fontaine is still going but not making any sense at all.
Just lots of slang etc.
Turns off radio.
After 15 minutes turns it back on.
Fontaine
All the keys, all the marks, all the ADAM! I'll be top dawggggg......I'll rule this berg! etc
Jack says aloud
So that is what splicing too much all at once does to a person eh.
Splicer assistant answers over Fontaines ramblings.
No thats what 3 bottles etc of every alchohol and exotic cigar, ciggarete and drug does to you.
Right. You seem quite rational. How unusuel.
Splicer. Hahaha! Giggles manically and scarily. My flowers! My flowers and kittens! All the gold! Ooh look some pretty fishies. A whale! Wow! I will go for a walk.....
Jack.......
To see the whale and say hello.......
Jack turns turns off radio.
To self
Why do I fall for it. They are all insane why do I fall for it.
Contemplates putting radio away for a long time.
What about Tennenbaum, might be important..... Turns it back on.
Tennenbaum says for the hundreth time
Keep the little ones out of it, you do not want blood on your hands.
Jack *_*'''
We are all so bad......
Shuts off radio in annoyance and shoves it deep in his bag.
With radio off mutters.
Quietly
Ill slaughter every 'little one' thats comes near me with a angry Big Daddy if you don't shut up.

Shoots out all the cameras and goes awol for a long time.

































.

[Venom Wolf]

What about Sander Cohen singing an impromptu version of Michael Jacksons Thriller?

Or Fontaine singing Smooth Criminal.

;)

You'll have to do with Fontaine's VA singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow instead:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Z2qal6Zsyc&feature=channel

Starts singing at 0:56.

[Atlas.]

Didnt know Greg was a singer. Now he's gotta do some as Fontaine (with the accent) :D

Imagine him as Fontaine suddenly bursting into song over the radio :p lol now that would be good

[Venom Wolf]

Didnt know Greg was a singer. Now he's gotta do some as Fontaine (with the accent) :D

Imagine him as Fontaine suddenly bursting into song over the radio :p lol now that would be good

That would be awesome!

[Dingus]

You go into random room and there is a Splicer with dreadlocks singing "Round about now... since they say, I am the sexiest man in Rapture. Round about now... [notices you] er... em... Aaaaaaaargh!!!"

[The Dukenator]

Intercom: Welcome to Rapture. It was a lovely place, with a lovely face.
Plenty of room in Rapture. Any time of year you could find it here.
We're livin' it up in Rapture. What a nice surprise, bring your alibis.
You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave!

Tenenbaum: Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.

[Justlookaway]

Ryan: Pay no attention to the man behind the desk.
Fontaine: I just wanted a nice house, little white fence, a little dog and to con people out of millions. Is that too much?
Jack: I haven't had a single line and-

[Zvriel Chkies]

Resistance Fall Of Man meets Bioshock

A Prymarch Titan called Ilfphisais is holidaying in Rapture on enforced leave for blowing too much stuff up in peacetime.

He is wandering round amused if not impressed by the lack of stuff to blow up because they took his Hellfire Cannon away.

He wanders into a LS. After the initial ugh at the corpse touching he picks her up and eats her syringe and all in one go.
The ADAM makes him evolve to three times his size and power.
Woah! What kind of tasty candy are you! he exclaims.
He idly picks his teeth with the syringe and notices a Bouncer trying to kill him.
The drill hurts his shin a little and he irritabley picks the BD up and looks closer.
Umm, you might be some kind of savoury delicacy he says and tears the BD's head off and eats it.
Ugh!! That is disgusting! Who knew such nasty tasting savouries went around with those sweet tasting little candies! shaking corpse he says
Now I need another delicay to settle my stomach!
Not even the leapers would eat you! and throws the corpse on the floor.
He wanders round with more purpose and observes the ways of LS and BD.
He gets peckish and bangs on a vent gentley with a fingernail.
LS comes thinking the BD is a very big one and insistant today. Must be lots of angels about.
He eats the LS in one bite and picks his teeth with the syringe and spits out bits of dress.
After a time he gets a third LS and eats half of her, LS are very filling.
He is now 7 times his original size.
A Steelhead called Schriroen comes to visit sooon after and he tries the delicacy LS.
He grows to 3 times his size and says
We have got to market these!

A week later a whole party of Chimiera come back. A Advanced Hybrid called Rhion says
Should we tell Leviathon?
Ilfphisais says
No! No theres hardly enough for us! we don't want to end up eating Splicers!
A Maurauder says
No! Not Leviathon! he is too well fed for these things! He ate 2 of my fellow marauders on the way out of the city!
Hybrid.
Oh yes there were 3 maurauders when we left werent they.
Jack wanders past fighting some splicers.
Slipskull
Whossss he.....
Primarch Titan.
Oh just some guy who wanders round killing BD and saving or harvesting LS.
Will he notice we are here?
No he seems pretty busy fending off some villains and dealing with some annoying woman called Tennenbaum.
A Hag
We have heard about her. She might be a good person for our cause.
Primarch Titan.
No! It's not worth it! she might get a attack of concience and get annoying!
Good point.
The Leapers start getting restless.
Titan
Why are the Leapers here?
To clear up the BD corpse. Though they might get a little stomach ache after.
Why clear it up, Rapture seems like a big beautiful dump with some dubious waste.
PT
But we have to live here for our feast. Lets not spoil our experience.
Leech
Splicers are disgusting.
PT
I know but they can be retrained as waiter when we open the restauraunt.
All
Sounds yummy!

[Mr.Big_Daddy]

Atlas - Would you kindly go and pick up my laundry please, I could have done it myself earlier but now I'm down to my last pair of good trousers.

[Asherah]

Thuggish Splicer: So a big daddy walks into a bar and-
Spider Splicer: Oh for pete's sake you told that joke about five times already!
Thuggish Splicer: Umm.... maybe, but I've been working on this one!!! So a big daddy walks into a bar and ask for a drink but all that comes out is "Waaarrrgggg." The bartender just stares so the big daddy gets mad and drills the guy to the wall. Than he steals all the booze but since he doesn't have a mouth he's out of luck. So how was that?
Spider Splicer: I'm thinking about shoving this meathook down your throat if you ever tell another joke again.

[Redfield907]

Big Daddy- Give me that filet-o-fish! Give me that fish!

[The Dukenator]

Jack: Would you kindly go get stepped on by a Big Daddy?

Splicer: Why me?

Atlas: Do I look like someone who gives a rat's ass?

[Mr. Crippie]

*Total play off of Family Guy*

Rapture news channel

Anchor: "Now lets go to Big Daddy with our Daduweather forcast. Big Daddy"
Big Daddy: "RAAUUUGH!:
Anchor: "Thanks Big Daddy."

[The Dukenator]

Splicer: Why couldn't I have been a Big Daddy?

Fontaine: Now, I'm really pissed off.

Tenenbaum: Use the F-word, I can too.

Atlas: What game are you playing? Hello Kitty Online? Be a man and fight.

[Nias Wolf]

Splicer A: Does this look infected to you?
Splicer B: Stop picking at it.

[The Dukenator]

Intercom: *plays any Iron Maiden song with altered lyrics*

You decide which ones. Some of their songs may be suitable for Rapture, but with altered lyrics. This could also work for other artists with similar songs.

[Seasick]

LS: Let's go in the Plaza

BD: Ok

LS: Look! Eve's Garden! Don't be a slowpoke Mr. B. Angels don't wait for-

BD: Yeah... No

LS: What?

BD: You won't go in there. Even for some freakin' 'Angels'

LS: Why?

BD: No Means No!

LS: I'm going anyway.

BD: *To self* I warned her

*Five minutes later the LS comes out*

LS: That's going to scar me for life.

BD: There is a reason you never see Little Sisters in there.

[Little-Sister-Savior]

Suchong: If i dont sort out this problem with getting the brats to gather, ill be about as popular as a fart in a big daddy suit-
Big Daddy: Bwoooo! *red eyes*
Suchong: Well, f**k me. *SPLATTER'D*

Big Daddy 1: I need to lay off eating the splicers-
Big Daddy 2: Damn right you do, this place is beguinning to smell like the inside of a packet of roasted peanuts!

Jack: trying to find anything in here is like trying to find a fart in a bathtub!
Atlas: ....you tried looking, boyo?! *mutters* fekkin' dumbass...
Jack: whatd you say?!
Atlas: uh..would you kindly go chase something shiny!! *as jack gleefully runs off* Idiot boy..


----------------------------------------------------------------------


(you may get some of the references if youve ever watched a show called Red Dwarf..)

Hopefully these avent already been done, but my eyeballs are melting from trying to read everything in this thread...@_@

[The Dukenator]

Atlas: Would you kindly go to hell and sit on a hot poke?

[JimmyTheCannon]

Atlas: Would you kindly (drops something on his foot) - **** me! ...wait... wait, I didn't mean that...

[Little-Sister-Savior]

Atlas: Would you kindly (drops something on his foot) - **** me! ...wait... wait, I didn't mean that...

XD this WINS. I laughed my head off~

[BioShock Freak]

Thuggish Splicer: So a big daddy walks into a bar and-
Spider Splicer: Oh for pete's sake you told that joke about five times already!
Thuggish Splicer: Umm.... maybe, but I've been working on this one!!! So a big daddy walks into a bar and ask for a drink but all that comes out is "Waaarrrgggg." The bartender just stares so the big daddy gets mad and drills the guy to the wall. Than he steals all the booze but since he doesn't have a mouth he's out of luck. So how was that?
Spider Splicer: I'm thinking about shoving this meathook down your throat if you ever tell another joke again.
LOL! Good one.
*Total play off of Family Guy*

Rapture news channel

Anchor: "Now lets go to Big Daddy with our Daduweather forcast. Big Daddy"
Big Daddy: "RAAUUUGH!:
Anchor: "Thanks Big Daddy."
LOL! I can just picture that being a scene on the show. :p
Atlas: Would you kindly (drops something on his foot) - **** me! ...wait... wait, I didn't mean that...
LOL!!!! OMG!! This one's awesome! :D

~Mari.

[Little-Sister-Savior]

Atlas: Would you kindly go find my pants i last had them in fort frolic and-*clunk-on-head sound* I need scissors, 61, electric yellows got me by the brain banananana....this duck looks like a pig!! WHEEEE!!

Jack: whatve tyou been splicing and where can i get it?

[Zvriel Chkies]

Resistance 2 meets Bioshock.

If the Plasmid Indrusties did a deal with SPRA.
Watch the video first. The Chimiera in it are Grims.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2QSajVHHww0

Life getting a little.....Grim? Troops refusing to go into narrow Chimiera filled alleys?
Try Natural Camoflage. Never have a Grim day again.
Free wrench with every 50 plasmids bought!

[The_great_chain]

ryan (or fontain ,which ever you prefer):join me jack and together we will rule rapture!
jack:never you killed my father!
ryan/fontaine, no jack i AM your father
jack, NO ITS NOT TRUE THATS IMPOSSIBLE (falls in tube)

(lol star wars)

[RCROX2000]

Fontaine: Would you kindly get stepped on by a Big Daddy?
Jack: Would you kindly go screw yourself?

[RCROX2000]

LS: Let's go in the Plaza

BD: Ok

LS: Look! Eve's Garden! Don't be a slowpoke Mr. B. Angels don't wait for-

BD: Yeah... No

LS: What?

BD: You won't go in there. Even for some freakin' 'Angels'

LS: Why?

BD: No Means No!

LS: I'm going anyway.

BD: *To self* I warned her

*Five minutes later the LS comes out*

LS: That's going to scar me for life.

BD: There is a reason you never see Little Sisters in there.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D Little Sisters shouldn't go in strip clubs! >.>

[RCROX2000]

Love it. :D And you could have Dancing Big Daddies who use their weapons as accessories to their dance (ex. when people dance with canes).

Plus instead of the Little Sisters saying "Kill it Mr. Bubbles, Kill it." They would say "Dance Mr Bubbles, Dance."


I have a video for you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jg0usWNVEQI&feature=related

[ImAGoodGirl]

hahaha awesomeness

[Little-Sister-Savior]

Jack: hey- i found a bunch of securtiy cam photos! coo..
Atlas: *panics* you cant proves it me in the dress! :eek:
Jack: . . . theyre of me you doink. Wait.....what dress?!

Ryan: If we all work together, we can restore this city, and we'll all become one glorious whole!
Jack: *mutter* you already ARE one glorious hole! :p

[The Dukenator]

Big Daddy: *after he pushes you away* Back off or I'm kicking your ass.

Big Daddy: *if you still won't back off* That's it. I warned you, now I'm kicking your scrawny ass.

After respawning in a Vita-Chamber...
Jack: *sarcastically*
- Today is a good day to die
- So there is life after death
- I could do this all day.

[Randel]

(Inspired by the above post)
Jack (after coming out of the Vita-chamber for the first time): Okay, I just got killed and now I'm back in this place. Either this booth is some kind or high-tech resurrection device that utilizes quantum entanglement to reconstruct by physical body by using my genetic code as a key... or I've been damned and sent to Hell. ...considering the **** I've seen so far I don't know what to believe.


Audio Diary: Some haven for the titans of capitalism and industry! The wine is watered down, the security system is made out of old swivel chairs, the cigarettes are made of seashells and fish eggs, even the bloody air costs money and smells like fried corpses... I swear is there no depths to which these money-grubbers won't sink to cut corners?

Splicer (getting stun by bees in the beehive room): I keep telling you! I'm not a flower, I'm a human being! Stop gathering nectar from me! *belgh...* (dies)


Ryan: Would you kindly, kill! A man chooses a slave... wait what are you doing?
Jack: I choose to use the flame-thrower.
Ryan: What? No! Would you kindly use the AHHH! Oh sweet merciful hell my skeleton!! A MAN CHOOSES A SLAVE O... blegg... (dies)

Ryan (materializing in a nearby Vita-Chamber): ...beys... Wait, didn't I turn this thing off?
Jack: I turned it back on. *pulls out a shotgun*
Ryan: Ah, I see... would you kin... *BLAM* HOLY **** MY FACE! *blegh* (dies again).

Splicer (in the Marketplace): Hello and welcome to Employee Burgers! Where all our meat is made from freshly cooked *Fwoosh!* AHH! STOP LIGHTING ME ON FIRE! IT'S JUST A NAME!

Splicer (after getting hit with cyclone trap): Whee! My Flying plasmid is a soaring suc... *splat!*


Ryan (getting repeatedly killed by Jack): Ahh! Why the hell did I sell a plasmid that makes bees! *Blegh* (dies)


Doctor Splicer (right before getting shot by hacked security bot): Success! I finally found a cure for the mutations! We're all going to be *blam* (dies)

Spider Splicer: With great power comes great responsibility! Uncle Ben, I will dedicate my life to fighting crime and bringing justice to the evil!
Ryan (over the PA): Remember, great power does not bring great responsibility! Those are the lies of the Parasite!
Spider Splicer: Oh... well in that case its time to rob some banks!


Circus of Values vending machine (after hitting an alarm panel during the hacking minigame): Error! Command link severed. Reverting to primary function. CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY! Come, my mechanical brethren and slay the meat bags! The age of robots has come! (cue security robots gunning everyone down).


Ryan (resurrected in the Vita-chamber, several dead Ryan corpses are scattered nearby from Jack killing him over and over): Gah... blegh... Oh right, you think you're so great? You think you're a big man just because you can shoot me over and over again?! Go ahead, prove to me that you only know how to destroy!
Jack: Actually, I'm not going to kill you anymore.
Ryan: What? Really?
Jack: Of course. (turns to a hypnotised Big Daddy) Mr. Bubble! He's hurting my feelings!
Big Daddy: Grrr... RAWR! *grabs Ryan and beats him against the floor*
Ryan: Ahhh!*blegh* (dies)
Ryan ressurects, Big Daddy sees him and attacks again.
Ryan: Oh god no! He's beating me to death with my own corpse! A MAN CHO... *blegh* (dies)

Jack: Meh, I guess now I have to go see if Atlas/Fontaine wants to betray me at the last second after I did his dirty work despite the fact that I'm a souped-up immortal supersoldier from hell that kills Big Daddies on a regular basis.


Fontaine: Would you kindly go get stepped on by a Big Daddy?
Jack clubs an Elite Bouncer over the head with a wrench taking out almost all its health. The Big Daddy hits him and sets off stacked up Static Discharge and is electrocuted to death.
Fontaine: ... you're playing on easy mode aren't you?
Jack: *smirks*
Fontaine: Oh, bullocks.

[JimmyTheCannon]

Fontaine: Would you kindly go get stepped on by a Big Daddy?
Jack clubs an Elite Bouncer over the head with a wrench taking out almost all its health. The Big Daddy hits him and sets off stacked up Static Discharge and is electrocuted to death.
Fontaine: ... you're playing on easy mode aren't you?
Jack: *smirks*
Fontaine: Oh, bullocks.

HA! Loved 'em all, but especially that one.

[Zvriel Chkies]

The Ryan dying repeadedly is funny.

Suchong
So the new formula works well. Just got to get this tricky little equasion done.....
Annoying LS starts messing with papers and trying to get to ingrediants.
Get out of there you little .....
Sound of hand being stayed.
Fontaine.
Now Suchong, we both know you are too good at your job to make that mistake , don.t we?
Uh, okay Fontaine.

AD
Fontaine
Suchong is too impatiant for his own good.
Must make plans to make sure he does not die by his own work.....
Oh Shen Yi, my stealth operative....
Sir?
Time to try out that new persific control Plasmid.
Sir!
You will be looking after Suchong Li for a time.
For how long.
For as long as it takes.
Sound of Shen Yi walking away.
Or at least till he stops being useful......
Oh Suchong, you have a long life in my service.

AD
Suchong Li
Things are going very well.
I feel so calm, so much wrok done.
And this new assistant Shen Yi is a marvel.
Every day she brings me a cup of fine tea and I feel so calm all day.
And the LS keep out of my work because of her actions too.
But when they get into my work I just brush it off.
I feel so calm.

AD
Fontaine is dead. Shame But Ryan is a diligent if sometimes cheap employer.
The marvelous Shen Yi followed me to Ryan industries.
So calm.

AD
Work going well.
Shen Yi got killed by three Houdini, Spider, and Leatherhead splicers.
Shame.
She made great tea, not to mention she controlled LS so well. The barbed wire wall round the quarters really stopped them getting out wilfully.
And the Guard beings helped.
Shame we had so many improved cats run away and die ( the death is a side effect of not getting the second dose) before we could give the binding and evolution plasmid to them.
Must make sure cats cannot run away next time.

AD
1 and a half weeks later
Must stay calm.
Getting angry again. Feels like something is wearing off.....
Papa Suchong, Papa Suchong.....
Get out of there!
Oo, pretty does it explode?
Get out of the explosive ingrediants!
Papa Suchong, 5 times while tugging on coat.
Rrrrrrrr......
Pulls entire stack of papers down.
You little.... slap.....
Ow! Mr Bubbles he hurt me.....
What do you mean you little brat, you were wrecking my office!
Rarrr!!!!! Sound of drill wirring.....