Post-A-Joke

[Dr. Locke]

Joke Central

It is about time we get the humor and good moods flowin' with jokes brought in by our viewers! Go ahead, post your favorite, family friendly jokes!

And our ironic motto here is:
If it is lame, we won't laugh

[ZiLLa]

Whats the difference between an Emo and a Zombie?

Nothing! They both bleed lots and moan lots! ROFL.

[Dr. Locke]

Good.............................................. ...................one!

[esipode]

How do you keep a retarded person in suspense?

...

(Get it?)

[ZiLLa]

(Posts Post-a-Joke motto here)

[esipode]

(Posts Post-a-Joke motto here)

THAT WAS A TERRIBLE JOKE!
(just kidding, i know it wasn't a joke...which is why i'm very angry!!!GGRRRR!)

[ZiLLa]

Religious Joke!

Why couldn't Jesus melt M 'n' Ms in his hands?

Because they just fell through the holes!

[BioShock Freak]

^O..M..G..
LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry for laughing people, I couldn't help it. :o
~Mari.

[ZiLLa]

ROFLMAO. I had to post this!


How do you turn a baby into a dog?

Pour gas over it and light a match. Woof.

[BioShock Freak]

^Ok, that one sucked.


How do you keep a retarded person in suspense?

...

(Get it?)

Dude, you got me on that one. :o :D
Yeah, I get it. :p

Glad to be drunk

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

The man asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the man said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

~Mari.

[ZiLLa]

I have more!


How do you turn a baby into a cat?

Freeze it solid, then run it through a bandsaw. Meeow.

[ZiLLa]

^Ok, that one sucked.



Dude, you got me on that one. :o :D
Yeah, I get it. :p

Glad to be drunk

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

~Mari.

ROFL.

Good one.

[dacbietazn]

okay okay i got a story...you guys will love it..

3 guys, anthony, steven and david
the guys die
and they go to heaven
they meet God,
and he's this cool guy like..
"yeah heavens cool, you guys will love it, you can do whatever you want"
but...he warned them
"i have just one rule, DONT step on my ducks...or else"
the next day..
David and Anthony are walking
and they see Steven with this hella ugly chick
and David and Anthony are like
"Whoa, steven what happened?!"
Steven replies,,
"I stepped on God's Ducks.."
so the next day..
David and Steven and his fat girlfriend are walking
and they see anthony with this realllly ugly girl
and they're like..
"WHOA anthony, what'd you do?"
anthony replies..
"I stepped on God's ducks.."
so the next day..
Anthony, his ugly girlfriend, hue and his fat girlfriend are walking
and they see david with this REALLLY HOT AS* GIRL
and they come up to him and are like
"WHOA DAVID, HOWD YOU GET THAT HOT GIRL"
The hot girl replies
"I stepped on God's Ducks.."

[BioShock Freak]

^ROFL! Yeah, I like that one. :D

Ok, too long to post here so here's the link if you'd like to check it out. :D
101 Ways to Annoy People. (http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Misc-Jokes/101-Ways-To-Annoy-People.html)
~Mari.

[BioShock Freak]

Crazy Patients

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.

He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.

The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.

Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."

The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

~Mari.

[Hatesink]

Crazy Patients

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.

He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.

The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.

Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."

The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

~Mari.^Funny

It reminds me of the joke from The Killing Joke

How about this one...

A man walks into his doctor's office wearing an eye patch and with one hand slid into his shirt-front.

The doctor asks what the problem is, to which the patient responds "I think I'm Nelson"

The doctor replies "You mean you think you're Napoleon"

To which the patient replies "Doctor...please...I know I'm not Napoleon"

---------------------------------

I like these...

Pilot 'gripe sheet' entries and engineer response.




P - Problem

S - solution (response)


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.


P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.





Church:
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned
fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No sh*t?"

----------------------------

How about these (some of my favourites)...


A blind man walks into a shop with his guide dog (seeing eye dog). He takes the dog by it's tail and starts swinging it around and around his head. Seeing this the shop assistant runs up to the blind man and says "Sir! sir! What are you doing?!" to which the blind man replies: "Having a look round the shop..."

-----------

An attractive female teacher in a long skirt slit almost all the way up to her waist is sitting taking a class.

During the lesson she crosses her legs, at which point a boy in the first row blurts out "Miss, I just saw your stockings" to which the teacher angrily responds "What kind of thing is that to say to a teacher, leave the room immediately, think about what just happened here and don't come back for at least ten minutes."

A little later she crossed her legs a second time, at which point the boy at the desk behind the student who'd just been sent out of the class blurted out "Miss, I just saw your stocking-tops" to which the teacher angrily responded "What kind of thing is that to say to a teacher, go home right now and think about what just happned here, and don't come back for at least a day".

A little while later she crossed her legs a third time at which point a boy in the third row blurted out "Miss, I just saw your garter belt" to which the teacher angrily responded "What kind of thing is that to say to a teacher, go home right now and think about what just happened here, and don't come back for at least a week".

A little later the teacher crossed her legs a fourth time and a boy in the fourth row got up and started putting away his things, at which point the teacher asked him what he was doing, to which he responded "Miss— after what I've just seen, I don't think I'm ever coming back."

-----------


It's a dark rainy night with not a soul around for nerry a mile when a lone man in an old car is driving along a black and unquiet country road, when his engine cuts out. He brings the car to a stop and braving the darkness gets out and pops the hood to take a look at the engine to see if he can see anything wrong. Just then, an eerie, inhuman voice from behind him says "It's the distributor". The guy, shocked by the voice, whips around to find a black horse standing in the field next to the road and looking at him. He's so freaked out by this he gets back in the car as quickly as he possibly can and tries the ignition and thank god the car starts and he's able to pull away and resume his journey shaken and a little spooked but on route once more. That is until the engine cuts out a second time and he's forced to stop again. Again he gets out of the car and pops the hood and looks over the engine to see if he can spot the problem, when again the eerie inhuman voice issuse from behind him: "It's the distributor". Again the guy whips around to look for the source of the voice and finds nothing but the black horse standing in the field next to the road looking at him. Totally freaked out by this the guy runs around to the driver's door, jumps in, turns the key and again thank god the car starts...

...Eventually the guy gets to a pub where he stops and orders a stiff drink and while sitting at the bar collecting his thoughts the barman ambles over to him and says "You look like you've seen a ghost" to which the driver responds by telling him the story of what just happened to him— the engine cutting out, looking under the hood, the eerie inhuman voice saying "it's the distributor" and no one around for miles apart from this black horse. Upon hearing the story the barman noddod and softly said "Oh yes" and leaning in close, looking from right to left as though not wanting to be overheard he said to the driver in the most hushed and serious of tones...
"That, my friend...was the black horse".
"The black horse?" asked the driver his jaw agog.
"Yes" said the barman "...the black horse. And I'll tell you something else" the barman went on.
"What?" asked the driver his eyes wide, the hairs standing up on the back of his neck.
"You're lucky it wasn't the white horse"
"Why?" asked the driver with a look of absolute terror on his face
The barman answered " 'Cos the white horse don't know nothing about motors"


Sesame Street's Burt & Earnie...

Bert to Earnie (exasparated): Earnie, why have you got a bannana in your ear?

Earnie to Bert (as though nothing out of the ordinary): I can't hear you Bert, I've got a bannana in my ear.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xK2DeJBOQD0 (Burt & Earnie, Bannana (not gross))

[ZiLLa]

That's the single biggest post I have ever seen. :|

A patient walks into the doctors surgery room.

Patient: Doc, I swallowed a coin, am I going to die?!

Doctor: Well Jim, everyones going to die eventually.

Patient: OH GOOD GOD! WHAT HAVE I DONE!?

[Hatesink]

That's the single biggest post I have ever seen. :|I guess you don't click on a lot of my posts ;)

It would have been longer but it exceeded the word limit...

Stephen Wright...

Curiosity killed the cat...
...but for a while I was a suspect.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards...
...I got a full house, and four people died.

I'm living on a one-way, dead-end street...
...I don't know how I ever got there.

I wish my first word was 'quote'...
...so when I died I could say 'un-quote'.

I spilled spot remover on my dog...
...Now he's gone.

It's a small world...
...but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Next week I'm gonna have an MRI...
...to find out whether or not I have claustrophobia.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?"...
...I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar".

My theory of evolution...
...is that Darwin was adopted.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Cross country skiing is great...
...if you live in a small country.

I bought a dog the other day...
...I named him Stay.
It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He's much smarter now...
...Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing.

I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record had a skip...
...The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed...
...it wasn't the kind that folds.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a right." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a left. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one...
...it wasn't doing what I was doing.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day...
...because that means it's going to be up all night.

I have a box of powdered water. I never know what to add.

I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights...
...I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I installed a skylight in my apartment...
...The people who live above me are furious.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I locked my keys in the car the other day...
...but it was alright; I was still inside.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's...
...she was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I mix my water myself...
...two parts H and one part O.

I once locked my keys out of my car...
...I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

[ZiLLa]

http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Comics/Dave/comic****head3.png (http://www.explosm.net/comics/1206/)

[Hatesink]

Q. How many sociologists does it take to change a light-bulb?

A. The problem's in the system.

[Lenny]

Doctor to patient: Sir, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like first?

Patient: Erm, I guess I'll have the bad news first.

Doctor: Ok, I'm sorry to tell you this, but we are going to have to amputate your right leg.

Patient: Oh my Lord! What could the good news possibly be?!




Doctor: The guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers!

[Hatesink]

One of mine...

I bought flowers. The instructions said "Plant in the cool part of the day"...

...does that mean I have to keep moving them?

(I wrote that, I'm proud of the fact. Oh yes, yes I am).

:D

[Dr. Locke]

I have a joke or two!

A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"


A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."


A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in sh*t up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with sh*t up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with sh*t up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

[BioShock Freak]

^Lol. Those are great! :D
~Mari.

[Hatesink]

Anyone here read The Killing Joke...?

'See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night... one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! So like they get up on to the roof, and there, just across the narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in moon light... stretching away to freedom.

Now the first guy he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daren't make the leap. Y'see he's afraid of falling... So then the first guy has an idea. He says "Hey! I have my flash light with me. I will shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk across the beam and join me." But the second guy just shakes his head. He says... he says..."What do you think I am, crazy?...You would turn it off when I was half way across."'

[FallenVamphyre]

No offense if you're blonde but I thought these 2 were funny:

1:
A ventriloquist and his dummy were telling jokes at a comedy club. The man tells a blonde joke, and everyone bursts into laughter except for one blonde girl. After the show, she approaches him and says "How can you tell such a mean joke?! Why would you discriminate someone just because of their hair color?"

Stunned, the man tries to stammer out an apology, but the blonde retaliates; "STAY OUT OF THIS! I'm talking to that little jacka** on your knee!"

2:
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"

[smartalec5595]

more blonde jokes! (dont take offense cuz IM a blonde headed person)

1) a dumb blonde, a smart blonde, and the tooth fairy are walking down the street and they see a $100 bill. who picks it up?

the dumb blonde, the other 2 dont exist.

2)what do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

pregnant

3)a blonde, a brunette, & a red head walk into a bar and the barkeeper tells them that theres a magic mirror in the bathroom and if you tell the truth in front of it you get what you most desire but if you lie it sicks you in.

so the red head goes to the bathroom and says to the mirror "i think i am the most beautiful person in this bar" and she drives away in a expensive red car.

then the brunette walks into the bath room and says to the mirror "i think i am the smartest person in this bar" and she gets 1 million dollars.

the blonde walks into the bathroom and says to the mirror "i think..." then FWOOOMP! the blonde is gone, sucked into the mirror.

:D :D :D :D

[FallenVamphyre]

Oh my, I think I started a trend here!

Love #2 & 3, smartalec!

[Dr. Locke]

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA smarty!

#3 is awesomely hilarious!:D :D

[smartalec5595]

thank you my cousin told it to me :D

[Death]

Two guys went out hunting one day. One of them goes. "Hey man. I can see your house from here. And I can see your wife is cheating on you!" The other goes. "Shoot them both, shoot her in the head, and him in his nuts." To which is replied "I can get them both in one shot"

[smartalec5595]

Loooooooooooooooooooool Man Thats Soooooooo Funny Lmao

[BioShock Freak]

Two guys went out hunting one day. One of them goes. "Hey man. I can see your house from here. And I can see your wife is cheating on you!" The other goes. "Shoot them both, shoot her in the head, and him in his nuts." To which is replied "I can get them both in one shot"

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !
THAT'S funny. HAHA!!!!!!!!!! :D:D
~Mari.

[Dr. Locke]

Two guys went out hunting one day. One of them goes. "Hey man. I can see your house from here. And I can see your wife is cheating on you!" The other goes. "Shoot them both, shoot her in the head, and him in his nuts." To which is replied "I can get them both in one shot"

Heh, Blue Collar Comdey Tour.

[FallenVamphyre]

Two guys went out hunting one day. One of them goes. "Hey man. I can see your house from here. And I can see your wife is cheating on you!" The other goes. "Shoot them both, shoot her in the head, and him in his nuts." To which is replied "I can get them both in one shot"
Larry The Cable Guy, right?

Meh turn again:

Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we're privates," protests Jasper.

"We're sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we're privates," says Jasper.

"You blind?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We're sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "Your cute," she says, "and I'd like to screw you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "Why'd you give me the okay?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we're sergeants now."

[BioShock Freak]

LOL! That's a good one. :D
~Mari.

[Dr. Locke]

That was indeed a good one!:D

http://i306.photobucket.com/albums/nn259/2kchat/docsiglnk.png

[BioShock Freak]

A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.

When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"

The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".

Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"

----------------------------------------------------------------

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

~Mari.

[jokerthesplicer]

Uwe Boll purchased the movie rights for Bioshock so he will be directing the movie.
here is his cast:
Jack-Eminem
Andrew Ryan-Kanye West
Atlas-Michael Cain
Tennenbaum-John Travolta in a wig
Big Daddy-CGI
Little Sister-Fat Joe
Sander Cohen-Steven Seagal

[BioShock Freak]

ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!
THAT is the BEST joke EVER! That one gets joke of the day. HAHA! :D
~Mari.

[FallenVamphyre]

Uwe Boll purchased the movie rights for Bioshock so he will be directing the movie.
here is his cast:
Jack-Eminem
Andrew Ryan-Kanye West
Atlas-Michael Cain
Tennenbaum-John Travolta in a wig
Big Daddy-CGI
Little Sister-Fat Joe

*eye twitches*

[Atlas.]

A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at
the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them
on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then
consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds. The bartender comments,
"Wow, you sure must have a problem." "If you had what I had," the man
replies, "you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning over, the sympathetic
bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Fifty cents," the man answers.

------

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.
He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the
front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he
says. "That's cool" says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby
replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda
shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw?
I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a
quite a surprise to Bobby-so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw;
she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for
the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house,
slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"Dammit Daddy! It's called the twist!"

[smartalec5595]

Uwe Boll purchased the movie rights for Bioshock so he will be directing the movie.
here is his cast:
Jack-Eminem
Andrew Ryan-Kanye West
Atlas-Michael Cain
Tennenbaum-John Travolta in a wig
Big Daddy-CGI
Little Sister-Fat Joe
lol i would loooooooooooove to see jack as eminem after killing a big daddy he suddenly starts rappin lol i love his music

[FallenVamphyre]

WTF @ #2, Atlas?! (EDIT: WTF, because it's scary. I do get it.)

Me again!

HOW TO LEARN COMMON PHRASES IN CHINESE

English Phrase / Chinese Translation

1. "That's not right"............... Sum Ting Wong

2. "Are you harboring a fugitive?".. Hu Yu Hai Ding

3. "See me ASAP".................... Kum Hia Nao

4. "There goes Stupid Man".......... Dum Dum Wa King

5. "Small Horse".................... Tai Ni Po Ni

6. "Did you go to the beach?"....... Wai Yu So Tan

7. "I bumped into a coffee table"... Ai Bang Mai Ni

8. "I think you need a face lift"... Chin Tu Fat

9. "It's very dark in here"......... Wao So Dim

10. "I thought you were on a diet".. Wai Yu Mun Ching

11. "This is a tow away zone"....... No Pah King

12. "Our meeting is next week"...... Wai Yu Kum Nao

13. "Staying out of sight!"......... Lei Ying Lo

14. "He's cleaning his automobile".. Wa Shing Ka

15. "Your body odor is offensive"... Yu Stin Ki Pu

16. "Great"......................... Su Pah

[smartalec5595]

lol my friend has something like that and you say great as:

fa king su pah :D

also PM me if you want 2 understand #2 of atlases

[Atlas.]

WTF @ #2, Atlas?!

lol i just thought it was funny ;)


those ones are good :D lol


That one reminded me of this one:


Van Gogh's Relatives

After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.

Among them were:

His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh

His dizzy aunt,Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop'n Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U. Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh

His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother, Grin Gogh

The nephew who drove a stagecoach, Wellsfar Gogh

The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh

The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh

His nephew, psychoanalyst E. Gogh

The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh

The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh

His Italian uncle, Day Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh.

[FtRapture]

WTF @ #2, Atlas?!

Me again!

HOW TO LEARN COMMON PHRASES IN CHINESE





lol those were funny.

[FallenVamphyre]

I understood #2 of Atlas's jokes...I said WTF because it scared meh!

[Atlas.]

I understood #2 of Atlas's jokes...I said WTF because it scared meh!
Then I apologise for that one, probably not the best one to have posted...


A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself.

The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.

"Are you hurt?" he asked.

"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"

[Dr. Locke]

I thought #2 was absolutely hilarious Atlas! Maybe not the most appropiate ever but hey, no damage done! ROFL!

[Dr. Locke]

Got One!

Two dumb blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some mysterious tracks in the dirt. The first dumb blond said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.


Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

[Spliced Big Daddy]

whats the difference between chuck pork and pea soup


you can chuck pork but you cant pee souP :P

[Telekinetic Puppeteer]

Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on. So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold.

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table.

[BioShock Freak]

Ok, I don't get your joke. Is it supposed to be a Mexican joke or something? LOL.
~Mari.

[Telekinetic Puppeteer]

It'll come.

[FallenVamphyre]

What do Michael Jackson have in common with dog crap?

-They both start out brown and turn white.

[Dr. Locke]

Mari - She did all that farting with the guests in the room.

FallenVamphyre - Ewwwwwwww.


***

[Atlas.]

ROFL @ that one Puppeteer :D


A sales representative, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, “I'll give each of you just one wish.”

”Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. “Puff!” She's gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales representative. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. “Puff!” He's gone.

“OK, you're up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

[Telekinetic Puppeteer]

ROFL @ that one Puppeteer :D


A sales representative, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, “I'll give each of you just one wish.”

”Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. “Puff!” She's gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales representative. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. “Puff!” He's gone.

“OK, you're up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Ohohohohohoho..! X'DDDD;; That ain't right!

[Atlas.]

Ohohohohohoho..! X'DDDD;; That ain't right!
That wasnt ment in a wrong way or anything, if thats how you took it ;)

[BioShock Freak]

ROFL @ that one Puppeteer :D


A sales representative, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, “I'll give each of you just one wish.”

”Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. “Puff!” She's gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales representative. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. “Puff!” He's gone.

“OK, you're up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

ROFL! That was a good one. :D
~Mari.

[Telekinetic Puppeteer]

That wasnt ment in a wrong way or anything, if thats how you took it ;)

Aah, knock it off.

[Atlas.]

Sorry that was me... i put it down to it being nearly 3am :o

[Telekinetic Puppeteer]

Guh-zoon-tite.

[Atlas.]

forget i said that, was being an idiot (as usual) :rolleyes:


Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal:
"Change your course ten degrees east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degres west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

[Dr. Locke]

I wanna hear some more jokes. Anybody?

***

[coffee009]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really mad.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday

[Dr. Locke]

Haha! I have heard that before. It had me laughing for days!

***

[Amandatini]

forget i said that, was being an idiot (as usual) :rolleyes:


Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal:
"Change your course ten degrees east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degres west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

Haha, I love that one :D

[esipode]

Guh-zoon-tite.

I sneezed right after I read that.

I forgot about this thread. (Unfortunately, I remember it only after I forgot the joke I wanted to tell.):rolleyes:

[Death]

forget i said that, was being an idiot (as usual) :rolleyes:


Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal:
"Change your course ten degrees east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degres west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

Holy snap! CANADA HAS TALKING LIGHTHOUSES!?

[FallenVamphyre]

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.

''Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!'' she exclaimed. ''Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?''
--------------------------------
One day, an old guy gets on a bus. Several minutes later a punk kid with red, green, and orange hair gets on. The kid notices that the old man keeps staring at him.

"What you staring at, old man? Ain't you ever done anything wild in your time?"

"Yeah. I screwed a parrot once. I was wondering if you were my son?"

[Dr. Locke]

The first one made me cry.

The second made me shutter.

:p

***

[Spliced Big Daddy]

dawwwww, i was thinking about getting a parrott but now....:(

[Demitasse]

Two termites walk into a bar.
One of the termites asks "Is the bar tender here?"

[Dr. Locke]

You sneaky dog. It took me a second but i got it! is the bar TENDER? ROFL! Good one!

***

[BioShock Freak]

LOL! Good ones. :D
I told the parrot one to my friends right now and they were ALL laughing. :D
~Mari.

[Dr. Locke]

Okay, I am going to give you the top 26 things you must or maybe should do in a elevator! But lets start off with an appetizer!

Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!

FUNNY!


Now lets present the list!

TOP 26 THINGS TO ON AN ELEVATOR!

1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them
on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,
and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After
a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day
been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,
ask if they have an apointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask
them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay,
don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group Hug!", and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in
horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then
announce, "I have new socks on".

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passnegers, "This is MY personal space"

***

[Dr. Locke]

O, and heres one more!

A Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.Unable to find the s**** of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife,whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

PS. Sure is hot down here.

***

[Spliced Big Daddy]

lol, and yay i live in illinois :)

[Dr. Locke]

THIS ONE IS SOOOO FUNNY, I ALMOST DIED!

Man Falls Asleep At Church


One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. &quotWho is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

[FtRapture]

Wow really you almost died :eek:

[Dr. Locke]

Okay FtRapture, if you read this, I swear, you will die.

THE FUNNIEST JOKE EVER! (http://www.4degreez.com/jokes/disp_jokes.mv?categ=&sort=n&jokex=991635554) (Mature Content)


***

[FtRapture]

That was funny! How does this death thing work is it like the ring where I have 7 days left?

[Spliced Big Daddy]

what is it, i wanna know b4 i click lol

[Dr. Locke]

Curse words. And from the Member Picture thread, I believe you may be a little too young to view that joke. But it is your choice.

Isn't the Member Picture thread terrible?:D

***

[Spliced Big Daddy]

lol, im very mature for my age... googoogagga

[Dr. Locke]

............ You drew all over your face with Sharpie. But whatever.

***

[Spliced Big Daddy]

lol it was my friend who did that, i said :P

[Dr. Locke]

.................................................. .................

o, my mistake.

.................................................. .................

***

[Spliced Big Daddy]

lol, i hear alot of swears anyways

[Dr. Locke]

Yes, now and days, no kid can live passed the age of 6 wiithout hearing a curse word.

***

[BioShockWins]

Yeah...
When I was twelve my neighbor (who, coincidentially was a dark mage) was all in my face like "a pox on thy house!"

Hows that for a curse?

[Spliced Big Daddy]

lol he was kdding right?

[BioShockWins]

No. He was a real dark mage and all of my family died later that year.
I'm also a wearwolf/spiderman combo.

EDIT:
This is the "Post-a-joke" thread, no?

[Dr. Locke]

Last year we sold our house to move to Oklahoma. And we decided to have a yard sale to get rid of unneeded stuff. The lady that bought our property decided to browse our items. And she came across a fine set of dishes. I went over to describe them to her, and I made the mistake of saying that they were made of partial silver. (They were antiques, and I thought they really were made of silver.) And she immediantly screamed, "BULL****!!! You expect me to believe that this is silv-." She caught herself and stopped there. I hated her from then on.

***

[BioShockWins]

That wasn't a very good joke, Locke.

[Dr. Locke]

I was responding to your previous "cursing" story.

***

[smartalec5595]

yeah cursing is jjust becoming more and more acceptable nowadays...its sad...but that was a hilarious story :D

[ironbear66]

Well,
There was boy who was too shy to say "i have to pee" cause his parents have learned him that it's a dirty word, instead he says: I have to sing , so one day his parents brought him to his grandma for a sleep over, later on that day the boy had to go to the toilet so he said: i have to sing , i have sing. Ok, said grandma, you can sing, but quietly in my ear.

[thesuperjman]

lol i liked that one iron bear.

[Spliced Big Daddy]

lol nasty :)

[FallenVamphyre]

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[BioShock Freak]

Awww. That's sad! LOL! Good one though. :D
~Mari.

[FtRapture]

This one time I won tickets on a cruise ship in a poker game, when I got onboard this woman tried to jump over but I talked her down.. I told her it was really cold then as she was trying to get back on the ship she slipped and I had to pull her back up.. About that time employees ran up to us and they thought I was trying to do something to her because we were both on the ground.. It was a scary night....


Not nearly as bad as the time I got locked up at Guantanamo bay with my stoner friend... but that is another story.

[BioShock Freak]

Oh man! Now THAT had me dying! HAHA! :D
~Mari.

[Spliced Big Daddy]

lol i just saw that movie, if thats wat u talking about

[FtRapture]

Movie? ooops wrong thread I thought this was the how was your day thread.. ;)

[Spliced Big Daddy]

i thought u were talking about harold and kumar escape from guantanomo bay, they are stoners, or am i being punked

[BioShock Freak]

Movie? ooops wrong thread I thought this was the how was your day thread.. ;)

LOL! I thought you were posting that as a joke. :D
~Mari.

[FtRapture]

i thought u were talking about harold and kumar escape from guantanomo bay, they are stoners, or am i being punked

I would go with the latter.

[Dr. Locke]

This one time I won tickets on a cruise ship in a poker game, when I got onboard this woman tried to jump over but I talked her down.. I told her it was really cold then as she was trying to get back on the ship she slipped and I had to pull her back up.. About that time employees ran up to us and they thought I was trying to do something to her because we were both on the ground.. It was a scary night....

Thats Titanic. Are you Jack?

***

[ironbear66]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f####d?' The fellow said, 'No.'

She said, 'Well, you will be, when the tide comes in'!

Man walks into a bar and asks the Barman for 6 double Pernods.
'Wowww' says the barman, ' you must be celabrating something good'
'I've just had my first blow job' says the man.
'Thats worthy of celabrating friend' replies the barman, ' let me treat you to one as well'.
'No thanks' says the man, ' If 6 dont kill the taste, a 7th wont help'!!

6 degrees of blonde
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,
some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde
says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,. -:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him
in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,
she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?’
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
'Is it mine?'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
SIXTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarised.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the
cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find
all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*

Too Ra Loo Ra Loo Ra

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had
an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to
heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place
I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish
Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Too Ra Loo Ra Loo Ra

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the
first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to
heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you
want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell
me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were
getting a group together to go right now.'

Too Ra Loo Ra Loo Ra

Paddy was in New York

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a
busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted,
'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the
sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth
time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the
Catholics across?'

Too Ra Loo Ra Loo Ra

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded
to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his
best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I
died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin'
from?'

Too Ra Loo Ra Loo Ra

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped
for speeding in Connecticut The state trooper smells alcohol on the
priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's
done it again!'

Too Ra Loo Ra Loo Ra

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender,
'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her
hands and knees.

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she
say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

Too Ra Loo Ra Loo Ra

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with
his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife,
Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading
to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught
himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed
heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made
the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his
pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut
and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began
putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled
and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his
head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it
could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops
of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
mostly...it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Too Ra Loo Ra Loo Ra

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.
'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope...just when it's raining.'

[ironbear66]

Religious debate

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.
He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing t o the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he'd won.

'I haven't a clue' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.'

'And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance...particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix t hese problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
< B>Please enter the command: 'I Thought You Loved Me.exe' and try to
download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7. 0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a
very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in
the background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and
performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

[Dr. Locke]

Those were so awesome! Very clever!

***

[thesuperjman]

those are all funny ironbear. idk if it will be past the mods limits though, but they were good. thanks for sharing.

[Puddle]

First some mediocre jokes to soften you up...

A day at the Therapist's:

Joe:I just wish we could get along.
Therapist:Well, They say If wishes were fishes the world would be an ocean, then we would drown in our greed.
Joe:You said that last week.
Therapist:Think about it this time.
Joe:I did think about it.
Therapist:And what did you do?
Joe:I bought a boat.

Tim:We don't communicate as much as we should.
Therapist:Well, can you think of a reason why?
Tim:I don't know, maybe I shouldn't have made Angelina come here from Spain.
Therapist:Is she homesick?
Tim:Not at all.
Therapist:Well how is that a problem?
Tim:I don't know, It's just like we speak a different language.

A man walks into a bar. He sees three men, all of them are upset, and seem drunk.
The first man is eating a sandwich, called the Ant. The second is eating a hot dog. The third is eatng a cod.
The cops arrest the 1st guy he asks why and they say "You assaulted your aunt."
Then the cops arrest the second guy, and when he asks why, they say "You assaulted, and killed your dog."
The third guy walks up to the Cops, puts his hands behind his back and says take me away. The cops ask why, and he says "I salted my fish."
They say "Nice one, Prankster."
They can be heard saying "Killer!" outside.
After the cops leave, the guy puts on a hood, and takes all the money from the cash register.
The cops arrest him the next day, and ask why he did it, he said you told me to Prank Stir!
They said, We called you a prankster!"
Oh, well then It's a good thing I only pranked Andy! It turns out he was the bartender, but there's still a problem.
"What?' says the cops.
I killed Ur.

[Dr. Locke]

Those were mediocre!:) The third one I became totally lost on.

***

[Puddle]

Those were mediocre!:) The third one I became totally lost on.

***
I got lost on the third one too.
I know, I've got a hilarious one, but I'm afraid it's a little touchy. (it may offend any American, immigrant, person who lives in, lived in, or descends from Mexico, any member of the Bush Administration, any supporter of the Bush Administration, Prsident Bush, or person who believes in the American Economy.) So, Mods, what shall I do?

[ironbear66]

I got lost on the third one too.
I know, I've got a hilarious one, but I'm afraid it's a little touchy. (it may offend any American, immigrant, person who lives in, lived in, or descends from Mexico, any member of the Bush Administration, any supporter of the Bush Administration, Prsident Bush, or person who believes in the American Economy.) So, Mods, what shall I do?

i think that you should post it

[Puddle]

i think that you should post it
I still don't know, I'm pretty much slapping the economy in the face, the extended version makes fun of Cubans too.

[BioShock Freak]

I got lost on the third one too.
I know, I've got a hilarious one, but I'm afraid it's a little touchy. (it may offend any American, immigrant, person who lives in, lived in, or descends from Mexico, any member of the Bush Administration, any supporter of the Bush Administration, Prsident Bush, or person who believes in the American Economy.) So, Mods, what shall I do?

Seeing how sensitive most people here can be, I'm know someone will find it offensive, even if it's funny. So no, don't post it; I don't think it's such a good idea.
~Mari.

[Puddle]

Seeing how sensitive most people here can be, I'm know someone will find it offensive, even if it's funny. So no, don't post it; I don't think it's such a good idea.
~Mari.
Okay, if you want to see it PM me. And if your offended you can only blame yourself.

[Dr. Locke]

I need to see this joke. PM me.

***

[BioShock Freak]

I need to see this joke. PM me.

***

That's ironic. I thought you were one of the ones that were easily offended. :cool:

Hey Puddle, PM it to me.
~Mari.

[Dr. Locke]

I don't know where you got the idea that I am easily offended, I just don't like being picked at whenever it happens.

***

[Puddle]

So...?
My one problem with the joke is delivering it really requires two punchlines.:(
It would work best in a newscast, or David Lettermans Top Ten (the unexteded pre-punchline.)

[FtRapture]

That's ironic. I thought you were one of the ones that were easily offended. :cool:

Hey Puddle, PM it to me.
~Mari.


That is what I thought too after the YMCA thing *shrugs*

[Dr. Locke]

Well I am a Christian, and I don't like that being poked at.

***

[BioShock Freak]

Well I am a Christian, and I don't like that being poked at.

***

Yeah, I understand. Don't think I'm attacking you or anything. I totally respect that. I'm not religious at all and expect people to respect it too. What I'm trying to say is that some people tend to take a little joke too serious when all that could've been done is have a little laugh, or ignore it if it's disliked. If I don't find a joke funny, I don't call it mediocre or say things like that, I just let it go and wait for the next one that's funny. Makes it easier for everyone and avoids having posts like these.
Now, let's just get back to the topic and leave this subject alone.
I'm sure some good jokes will come soon.
~Mari.

[Puddle]

I need thinking time! Uhm... no that's cruel. Uhm... let's try this.

"Dude it's raining yellow!"
"That's impossible."
"No it's not look!"
"Holy ****!"
"It tastes like beer."
<10 miles above.>
"Dude, they must be freaking out."
"Yeah, they're probably thinking it's raining beer, idiots."
"Well, you better go back to flying the plane."
"I'm not done."
"Dude, It's beer, just dump the rest."
"We were supposed to be pouring beer?"
"Yeah"
"Oops!"
<zip>
"Dude, that's sick."
"Well, I had seven before I started flying, you probably couldn't tell the difference."
:eek:

[BioShock Freak]

OMG! HAHA! Good one. :D
Poor guys at the bottom though. Lol.
~Mari.

[Puddle]

OMG! HAHA! Good one. :D
Poor guys at the bottom though. Lol.
~Mari.
I could imagine that going on a "The More You Know" thing, promoted for pilots. Followed by a loud crash.:)

[FallenVamphyre]

A bit raunchy but LOL:

A women desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts.. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should come in at 8am the next day.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Tickle-Me-Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he be shown the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

It took me a little while to get it. If you don't get it still, pay attention to the 2 last words in the final sentence. ;)

[thesuperjman]

hahhaa lol. i liked that one.

[Dr. Locke]

That was funny! But why two test tickles?

***

[Puddle]

That was funny! But why two test tickles?

***
***Warning Bioshock Reference***
Hmm... yes, those Elmo's are much too symmetrical, I'll only be a minute...
lol good one.

[Asherah]

Ok here's one-

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife
in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with
your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane
and kick his seeing-eye dog in the a**."

[BioShockWins]

That took me forever to get...

Hehehe.

[BioShock Freak]

Ok here's one-

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife
in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with
your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane
and kick his seeing-eye dog in the a**."

I still don't get it. :o Lol.
~Mari.

[Asherah]

I still don't get it. :o Lol.
~Mari.
He's saying that only a blind guy would even think to have an affair with his wife. Not very flattering for the wife's looks if I say so. ;)

[Dr. Locke]

A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney Dangerfield)

TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. (Jerry Seinfeld)

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some f**kin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more f**kin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the f**kin’ French toast."

***

[BioShock Freak]

He's saying that only a blind guy would even think to have an affair with his wife. Not very flattering for the wife's looks if I say so. ;)

Ooooooooooooooooooh, I get it. LOL!


A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney Dangerfield)

TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. (Jerry Seinfeld)

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some f**kin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more f**kin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the f**kin’ French toast."

***

Personally, I find ALL of Jerry Seinfield's jokes wack. I can NOT stand that guy. But the hooker in the bar one and the last one with the french toast were good. LOL. :D

Guys, don't post inappropriate jokes. If I see it again, you'll get a warning.

~Mari.

[ZiLLa]

What does a Pirate do?

PIRATE STUFF!

AAAAHAHAHAHAH.

Look at my posts. :D

[FallenVamphyre]

The Wife everyone wants!.... Read On.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damnit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'


The driver says, 'Yeah , well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'



'Only when he's been drinking.'

[Dr. Locke]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Another stupid off the road. That is my kind of wife. Always on the side of justice!:D

***

[Asherah]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Another stupid off the road. That is my kind of wife. Always on the side of justice!:D

***



wife? you're marry? ;)

[Dr. Locke]

Noo. I said thats is my kind of wife.

***

[Asherah]

Oop, I misread that and I mistook that for a typo. Sorry... :o

[Puddle]

I AM BACK BABY!
A guy goes to the Hospital one evening. He goes to the front desk and asks for the gynecologist.
The intern asks "For your wife?"
And he says "I need to speak to him."
The intern then leads him to the gynecologists office.
The man then says, "Sir, can you help me? I've been having problems with my bladder and-"
"Why are you asking me?" says the gynecologist?
"Well your profession says guy so I figured-"
"I can't help you, but you should go see our other doctor. I work on women."
"Well that's a surprise." the man says, walking out of the office.
The gynecologist replies "Surprise! Wait till you learn about the colonoscopy!"

[thesuperjman]

that wasnt too funny, i mean, i get it and all, but eh.^^^

[Puddle]

I just wanted to revive the thread. I game myself 30 seconds to think of it, so I consider it a win.

[thesuperjman]

haha as long as you think yourself a winner than you are one :)

[Asherah]

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

[Puddle]

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
Didn't we post this one?
Anyways, back to something everyone loves.
BLONDE JOKES!

Blonde:"How could you cheat on me!"
Dude:"I'm sorry!"
Blonde:"I can't speak to you! I'm out of here!"
Dude:"Isn't this your place?"

Guy:"Are you ready to go to the movies?"
Blonde"I think we should leave later."
Guy:"But the movie starts in 1/2 an hour."
Blonde:"We should go when they close, that way there won't be any lines!"

Back to normal jokes.
Dennys
Guy:"Wow, honey 4:30 is late to be having lunch."
Girl:"I know but I had to work thru my lunch break."
Guy:"Well I'm starving."
Guy:"Oh my god it's senator McCain!"
Girl:"Senator, what are you doing here at three o' clock, don't you have a debate in a few hours?"
McCain:"I snuck out for some dinner."
Guy:"You must hate eating dinner so early."
McCain:"Actually I'm a 1/2 hour late!"

PROOF! PROOF!
That's all for now.

[BioShock Freak]

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

LOL! Good one! :D



Back to normal jokes.
Dennys
Guy:"Wow, honey 4:30 is late to be having lunch."
Girl:"I know but I had to work thru my lunch break."
Guy:"Well I'm starving."
Guy:"Oh my god it's senator McCain!"
Girl:"Senator, what are you doing here at three o' clock, don't you have a debate in a few hours?"
McCain:"I snuck out for some dinner."
Guy:"You must hate eating dinner so early."
McCain:"Actually I'm a 1/2 hour late!"


I don't get this one. Can you explain it please?

~Mari.

[Puddle]

LOL! Good one! :D



I don't get this one. Can you explain it please?

~Mari.
It's like how people think going to dinner at 5:00 is a senior thing, well, it's the same thing but more extreme.
IT SAYS HE'S OLD!

[bioshock_fan]

Where in the world do people pay to eat spit, grease, and bugs on a daily basis?

A North American fast food joint.


...I'll try to come up with a better joke next time.

[BioShock Freak]

It's like how people think going to dinner at 5:00 is a senior thing, well, it's the same thing but more extreme.
IT SAYS HE'S OLD!

Oooh ok. LOL. Thanks. :D
~Mari.

[Puddle]

Can I do Yo Momma jokes?

[Puddle]

May I use Yo Momma jokes?

[Dr. Locke]

Guy:"Wow, honey 4:30 is late to be having lunch."
Girl:"I know but I had to work thru my lunch break."
Guy:"Well I'm starving."
Guy:"Oh my god it's senator McCain!"
Girl:"Senator, what are you doing here at three o' clock, don't you have a debate in a few hours?"
McCain:"I snuck out for some dinner."
Guy:"You must hate eating dinner so early."
McCain:"Actually I'm a 1/2 hour late!"

Hilarious....

I need to go stock pile some jokes about Obama.:)

***

[esipode]

Hilarious....

I need to go stock pile some jokes about Obama.:)

***

Oh! I got one!
But first, a quick trip to Imageshack!
...Upload Dang it!

http://img101.imageshack.us/img101/1576/mpbarackxg7.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[Hector Rodriguez]

Hilarious....

I need to go stock pile some jokes about Obama.:)

***

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:
Your 1.3gb hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80mb and then slowly expands back to 1.3gb.

Dude, they're jokes, get over it. You want to post Obama jokes, no-one's stopping you, but don't make such a big flipping deal about it. They are JOKES. And you said the jokes shouldn't be here because of politics. So by posting Obama jokes, you're contributing to what you dislike. Makes perfect (hypocritical) sense.

[thesuperjman]

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:
Your 1.3gb hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80mb and then slowly expands back to 1.3gb.

Dude, they're jokes, get over it. You want to post Obama jokes, no-one's stopping you, but don't make such a big flipping deal about it. They are JOKES. And you said the jokes shouldn't be here because of politics. So by posting Obama jokes, you're contributing to what you dislike. Makes perfect (hypocritical) sense.

he... wasnt complaing... or making a big deal or anything......

i gotta joke!!! this is my favorite one!!!

you have to read it outloud though :D:D

-knock knock
--who's there
-smell mop
--smell mop who?

....HAHAHAH!!! :D:D

[ironbear66]

he... wasnt complaing... or making a big deal or anything......

i gotta joke!!! this is my favorite one!!!

you have to read it outloud though :D:D

-knock knock
--who's there
-smell mop
--smell mop who?

....HAHAHAH!!! :D:D

Did i get right ? ----> Smell my poo? :D LOL in that case

[BioShock Freak]

HAHA! If that's what it is, then yeah. I didn't get it before, I get it now. Nice one. :D
~Mari.

[Hector Rodriguez]

he... wasnt complaing... or making a big deal or anything......

i gotta joke!!! this is my favorite one!!!

you have to read it outloud though :D:D

-knock knock
--who's there
-smell mop
--smell mop who?

....HAHAHAH!!! :D:D

Referencing some little spiel he went through a short while ago, not just that paticular post, just to clear it up.

[thesuperjman]

o i see^^^, pardon me then.

but yea yall, thats my favorite, use it on your friends its always fun :D

[Justlookaway]

http://static.howstuffworks.com/gif/joker-2.jpg

So there's these two guys, in an insane asylum. One day they decide they don't want to be insane anymore so they break out.

They were on the roof of the asylum and about to get out, when they see that they would have to jump this gap to get out. Now one guy, he's not afraid to jump, but the other guy, he's afraid of heights. So...the brave guy says, "Hey I've got an idea, I've got a flashlight I'll jump across, shine the beam over to you and you can just walk across on the beam."

The other guy says, "Do you think I'm crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across."

HAHAHA:D

[BioShock Freak]

HAHAHA! Nice one!! That made me literally LOL. :D
~Mari.

[Justlookaway]

HAHAHA! Nice one!! That made me literally LOL. :D
~Mari.

Thanx:D . That one actually came from the joker, its one of his lighter jokes. The rest are a tad bit dark and depressing.

[BioShock Freak]

Thanx:D . That one actually came from the joker, its one of his lighter jokes. The rest are a tad bit dark and depressing.

Really? The Joker said that? Hmmm. Hey, can you please PM me the rest of them, the dark and depressing ones? :D
~Mari.

[ironbear66]

Really? The Joker said that? Hmmm. Hey, can you please PM me the rest of them, the dark and depressing ones? :D
~Mari.

Justlookaway is the true joker, they based character upon him, the man behind the legend =D

[Justlookaway]

Justlookaway is the true joker, they based character upon him, the man behind the legend =D

You caught me:p
http://www.filmedge.net/DK/myspace/KillingJoke.jpg
And Bioshock Freak...there's really only one other one that I can think of so...

A man's wife is pregnant, and like any other good, decent, god-fearing husband he's worried about his baby. So he paces back and forth in front of the ward's door. Back, forth, back, forth, back, forth. He starts pulling on his hair, grinding his teeth, and sweating in anticipation. Finally, a cute little nurse comes out, "Congratulations sir, its a boy."

"My wife and son are okay?"

"Absolutely"

So the the man rushes into the ward, happy as can be. He looks around, no one's there. The bed is made and the floor is sparkling. He turns to the smiling nurse, "Where are my wife and son, nurse?"

The nurse laughs, "April Fools! The baby was a miscarriage and your wife is dead!"


Ooh...kinda gritty. Bioshockfreak, I'll let you know if I run across any others.

[BioShock Freak]

Oooh man! That's grimy! Poor man. Haha. :D
~Mari.

[ironbear66]

Oooh man! That's grimy! Poor man. Haha. :D
~Mari.

That was more grimmer then grim reaper

[ironbear66]

A bit of jokes, enjoy


If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, expect a long sentence.
____
Russia was slow to recover after WW2 because it kept Stalin around.
____
For plumbers, a flush beats a full house.

I used to be a banker but I lost interest
_____
Skipping school to bungee jump will get you suspended.
_____
When chemists die, we barium
____
An auctioneer often looks forbidding.
____

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
____
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
____
There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.
___

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
____
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
____
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
_____
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
_____
A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
_____

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
____
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
____
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
____
There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
___
Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
____
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
____

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
___
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'.
____

If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed
____

Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.
____

Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.
_____
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

____
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
____

I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
____

Old doctors never die they just lose their patience.
____

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
____

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

[thesuperjman]

sweet i love those short ones^

[bioshock_fan]

- When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

- "I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar."

- Innkeeper: "This room is $15 a night, but it's $5 if you make your own bed."
Guest: "I'll make my own bed."
Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."

- "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

- A horse sits down at a bar, and the bartender asks - "Why the long face?".

- What do you call a cow without legs? Ground beef.

- Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head.

- Where does the one legged waitress work? The Ihop.

http://www.grimmy.com/images/MGG_Archive/MGG_2008/MGG1026.gif

[BioShock Freak]

HAHA! Ironbear and Bioshock fan, those were GREAT! They kept me laughing the whole time. :D
~Mari.

[Puddle]

"How do you find an ass and a widebeest in the same room?"
Go to the Oval Office.

"What do you call a donkey with power?"
A politician.